All He’ll Ever Be (Merciless World Series Book 1)

I remember the first time I saw Nikolai. We were only children. His father worked for my father until he was killed.

The funeral home always had the prettiest flowers, and that’s what I looked at whenever we went there, all of the pretty flowers. But that day, I let myself watch the boy next to the casket.

I never liked to look at the people there. They always cried, and it made me want to cry, but I wasn’t allowed. We were Talverys and we weren’t allowed to cry, no matter how much I wanted to.

The boy was crying. He was taller than me and in a black suit that didn’t fit right, because he was too tall for it. His ankles were bare although his black shoes were new.

He looked so angry as he stared at the casket, wiping away his tears like they were nothing but a nuisance.

I never wanted to speak to anyone, not like my mother and father did. I never wanted to give anyone a hug or even be near any of them. Especially, the ones who smiled and laughed at funerals. I didn’t understand it and it made me angry to see people laughing when they were supposed to be mourning. I didn’t learn until years later that everyone mourns differently. Apparently, my coping mechanism is solitude.

And Nikolai’s was anger.

I remember how hesitant I was to touch his shoulder and ask him, “Are you okay?”

He was the first person I’d ever talked to at the many funerals I’d attended by this point. When he looked at me, when he glanced over his shoulder to answer me, he had a look of pure rage, maybe even disgust, but then he saw me, and it softened. Not just softened; his expression crumpled. The boy bared his soul to me and I saw the pain and the loneliness. He didn’t speak; he only shook his head. But then I tried to hug him, and he let me.

My father hired him to do collections, even though he was only fourteen. He said the boy needed a distraction and I was happy I got to see him every week.

And then my mother died. And I felt the grief, the solitude that begged me to hide away and isolate myself. But Nikolai refused to let me be alone. He promised me he’d stay with me. He was the first person who said it was okay to cry and he held me while I did.

Ever since that day, we were inseparable.

He was my only friend. My only lover. And the only person I ever trusted in this world other than my mother.

The door to the back room of a candy shop three blocks north of the safe house is all that stands between Nikolai and me. My fingers keep pinching and twisting the cuffs of the jean jacket. Deep inside of me, the fear that they’ve hurt Nikolai is very real. That he’s cuffed to a chair and on death’s door is likely. I’ve seen it before. So many times.

“He’s okay, right?” I ask quietly, not hiding my fear as I peek up at Eli. He considers me for a long moment before nodding his head and each fraction of a second that passes ramps up my anxiety.

“Thank you,” I whisper my gratitude, although I’m not sure I entirely believe him and look toward the door with my shoulders squared as if it’ll open any second.

“You can go in now,” Eli tells me from behind and I reach for the knob, but he stops me, gripping my forearm and telling me, “Let me.”

Nodding, I wait with bated breath for the door to open. It’s on rusted hinges and they screech with the motion of the heavy door opening.

“Aria,” Nik breathes my name before I even see him, and his voice is drowned out by the sound of metal chair legs scraping against the concrete floor as he pushes away from a small card table in the center of the barren room. Barely aware that Eli is watching and that there are two other men in the room also watching, I run to him, meeting him halfway and clinging to him.

I don’t care in this moment. They can all watch and judge.

All I can see as I hold him is the gun touching the back of his head and I can’t get it out of my mind. Burying my face into his hard chest, I feel so much relief, unjustified relief, but it’s there.

Nikolai holds me even tighter. Like if he loosens his grip on me, I’ll be gone forever.

I inhale a deep, steadying breath as he whispers, “Thank God.”

“Nik,” I barely breathe his name as try to hold on to my composure. “Nik.” I keep saying his name, but I can’t help it. He’s okay, I tell myself over and over as he pulls back slightly to look at me before hugging me back against his chest.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispers against my hair, and I can feel his warm breath all the way down to my shoulder.

“How did you find me?” I ask him and pull back to look at him. The sight of his face shreds my composure. Faint bruises and a split lip are evidence left behind from days ago.

It’s only then that he releases me, looking between me and Eli and then to the table. “Sit with me?” he asks as if there’s any chance at all I would deny him, and it’s the first time I can smile. It’s a sad smile, the kind that comes with a pain that everyone else can feel.

“Of course,” I barely get the words out and I have to clear my throat. Brushing my hair back and breathing in deeply to steady myself, I tell him, “I’m so happy to see you.” My next words come out rushed. “I’m happy you’re okay.”

“Me too,” he replies, but his voice is cloaked in sadness and he doesn’t stop looking over every inch of me. “Are you okay?” he asks me and then reaches across the table to take my hand. His is large and warm, easily dwarfing my hand. Hands that have held mine for as long as I can remember.

I nod, swallowing the knot in my throat and not wanting to tell him or anyone else everything that’s happened. “How did you find me?” I repeat my question and try to remember everything I wanted to tell him.

“I did what I had to do.” His answer is short, but he doesn’t stop rubbing soothing circles on the palm of my hand. It comforts me like he’ll never know. He’s done the same thing all my life. Every tragedy, every heartache. It’s such a simple thing, but with that gentle touch, I can breathe, feeling as if everything is all right, even when I know it’s not.

“Does my father know?”

“Yes, he…” Nik’s voice gets tighter as he swallows whatever he was going to say. “He knows.”

“What is it?” I ask him, and I don’t hide the urgency in my voice when I demand, “Tell me everything.”

“We have eyes on Carter. And I know,” he struggles to keep a straight face, his fortitude failing him. “I know what he did to you,” Nik says with a sickness at the end of words. “I’m so sorry, Aria.” He breaks down in front of me, covering his eyes for a moment and apologizing over and over.

“Stop it.” My command comes out harsher than I planned and I nearly rip my hand away from him. I won’t be a charity case for sympathy.

“I swear I’ll kill him.” His expression hardens, and his eyes turn sharp. “I’ll make him pay for what he did to you.” I can see Eli shift his weight out of the corner of my eye and my pulse quickens, pounding at my temples, the adrenaline pumping harder and harder.

“No, you won’t,” I tell him quietly, grabbing his hand with both of mine. I hope he can read the message in my eyes telling him to shut the fuck up. Nik is hotheaded and reckless, but he can’t be so stupid as to say that kind of thing right now. “Stop it,” I warn him.

“After what he did to you?” he questions me, his brow furrowed, and forehead creased.

“You don’t know what he did.” It’s all I can tell him, wanting to deny any of the accusations he could throw at me, even if they’re true.

I know my expression is a mix of worry and sadness, but I can’t help it. I can’t control the emotions on my face. Not with Nikolai.

“I know enough. I’m going to kill him for it,” Nik repeats his threat, the anger coming in full force and I feel lightheaded with indignation.

“I’ll never forgive you,” I whisper the words, feeling the ache sit against my ribcage, etching into my bone and eating away at whatever soul I have left.

“What’s wrong with you?” Nik raises his voice with incredulity and backs away from me, his hands pushing against the edge of the flimsy table and inching it closer to me. He’s breathing heavily as his composure crumbles. “He’ll pay for what he did!”

“I didn’t come here to talk about that,” I say and struggle to look Nik in the eye. Belatedly, I remember what Carter told me about the men on Carlisle and what I’d planned to say.

“We’re family,” Nik reminds me, his tone wretched, his gaze covering every inch of my face and doesn’t stay steady in the least. He’s losing it. “I’ll protect you!” he declares, and I take this moment to gain control of the conversation.

“Then move the men on Carlisle,” I tell him quickly, staring into his eyes, although my words stumble into one another. Moving my hands into my lap, I resist the urge to fidget and straighten my back. “The war is between my father and Romano. Romano’s the one who took me.”

Nik’s expression is pained as he says, “This isn’t a negotiation, Aria.”

He looks over at Eli, but only for a moment before giving in and spilling the plans my father has set in motion. He barely considers withholding the information and something doesn’t feel right about it.

“The men on Romano’s turf are decoys. He’s letting them die and preparing to rampage Cross’s territory.”

I worry my bottom lip between my teeth and I struggle to breathe, but somehow manage to tell him, “Change his mind.”

“Not after what Cross did to you.”

I wish he could understand. I wish he felt like I do. I cannot fail. I won’t live to see the men I love kill each other. I won’t fucking do it!

“Then create a reason. Have Mika go up to… to…” I’m blanking on the street name that divides the territories. I’ve heard them all so many times before, but I rarely left the house. When I did, I never wandered far and so the street names mean nothing to me.

Whipping my gaze to Eli, I raise my voice and say, “Help me!” I stare at him as if he’s failing me because he is. They’re all failing me, and this is a losing cause. “The street where Romano territory meets Talvery territory.”

“Bedford.” Eli’s response comes easily. He’s not shaken in the least and I gather my composure, pushing my hair out of my face and staring at the steel table until I’m able to speak calmly.

“Bedford, move them up to Bedford,” I plead with Nik, keeping the cadence of my voice soft and even. “Please,” I beg him, desperate for him to understand.

“You think that will stop this war between Talvery and Cross?”’ he asks me with an air of ridicule. “The men you’re dealing with aren’t men who have mercy, Aria.” Nikolai talks to me as if I don’t know them and it pisses me off.

I know firsthand how cruel they are.

“I’m not asking for mercy, Nik. I’m asking for fucking common sense.” I practically spit the last few words. I lean back in the chair, keeping one wrist balanced on the edge of the table. “If they die, it’s because you failed.”

“Failed at what?” he asks me. “Taking charge of an army I don’t control?”

“We have control. It’s easy to take control,” I say words my father once said to me. He said I needed to be harder, that I needed to wield my name and authority. I never imagined I would heed his advice.

“Send Mika to Bedford; he’s at the top of the chain like you. No one would be surprised if he dies there, so make sure he does, Nikolai,” I harden my voice, remembering my absolute hatred for Mika and all the evil shit he’s done. “You know he deserves far less than an honorable death. Take him up there on a false pretense, shoot him in the back of the head and be done with him.” I’m nearly shaken by the venom in my tone, by how meticulously I’m planning murder and interfering with war. “Tell my father it was Romano, and that you have to retaliate. Do it tonight.”

“Mika’s dead.” It takes a moment to even comprehend what Nikolai said before he adds, “Your father killed him.”

A cocktail of incredulity and anguish mix in my blood. “What? What happened?” My questions leave me in a single breath, a quiet one as I’m too afraid to speak any louder. As if doing so would change the truth of what happened.

Nikolai glances at Eli before leaning forward and speaking in a hushed voice. “Your father thought you ran away or that you were dead. He went through the tapes and Mika was the last person to speak to you.”

With a deep breath, his eyes drift from me to Eli again before he turns his attention back to me. “He asked Mika why he was there and what he said that got you so upset.”

“And?” I question him, my voice not nearly as low as Nik’s, but it doesn’t matter. I know Eli can hear. I know they can all hear.

“Mika didn’t answer fast enough. Your father shot him in the head in front of everyone.”

“Oh, my God.” My heart pumps the blood coldly through my veins as I picture the scene and worry about what my father is thinking and everything he’s been through.

“I won’t lose sleep over Mika, but your father’s losing it, Aria.”

My chest feels like it’s collapsing, and I struggle to grab hold of every bit of anger I’ve had toward my father since I’ve been here.

“He didn’t come for me.” I can barely speak the words.

“As soon as he found out where you were, he did. We did.”

A moment passes and then another. I’ve held so much pain and anger inside of me at the thought that my father didn’t care. Fuck. I wish I knew more. I’m losing this game. Each pawn I think I can capture has already been taken before I make my first move.

“He won’t move those men or hold back against Cross, Aria. He wants justice.” He adds firmly and with a conviction that sends a shiver down my spine, “We all do.”

“This isn’t justice. It’s senseless death.” I stare into Nik’s eyes, willing him to understand me.

“You deserve justice, Aria.”

“I’m fine, Nikolai. Carter didn’t do anything to me that I didn’t want.”

Disbelief mars his handsome features. “You aren’t thinking right,” he says and slowly a look of sympathy replaces any hint of anger. “Aria, please come with me.”

“I can’t let that happen.” Eli’s quick to step closer to us, and I’m equally as quick to shove my hand against his stomach and tell him to back off. Eli takes in my expression before nodding his head and falling back into place. I don’t know what he saw on my face at that moment, but he’ll never know how much I needed him to side with me.

“I’m not leaving, Nik, and you need to find a way to move the men. Find a way,” I implore him, but not a word is getting through to him.

“I won’t let you stay here,” Nikolai says then puts both fists on the table, breathing heavier and looking at Eli.

“I won’t let you do this; I won’t let you choose to stay with a man who hurt you.”

“It’s my choice.” I don’t defend what Carter’s done. But I’ll always defend myself and my ability to control my fate, now and until the day I die. “I finally have a choice,” I tell him with a hardened voice, seeing my friend for the first time as my enemy.

“Is that what you call it?” he questions me.

“I can hide away. I can run. Or, I can know I have enemies and be prepared for what they’ll do to me,” I tell him staring into his eyes and not backing down. My shoulders shake from the sheer adrenaline and I can barely contain myself. “I don’t want you to be an enemy.”

“Aria,” he breathes my name with agony. “I will never be your enemy.”

“Then understand that I will not leave him.” I question telling him the whole truth as he stares into my gaze. I don’t want to know what he thinks of it, but I need him to know. “I love him, Nikolai.”

“You’re sick,” he tells me with nothing but sadness in his broken gaze. “I won’t let you go like this.” His voice begs me to understand, but I know there’s no reasoning with him. Just as there’s no reasoning with me.

“Maybe I am sick,” I play along with him and somewhere deep in my soul, I even agree. “But wasn’t I sick all along? Hiding away in my room and afraid of everything.” The defensiveness in my voice is nothing compared to the anger I feel at remembering how pathetic my life used to be. Life might be too kind a word to describe what I had before Carter took me.

“That’s why I tried to save you,” Nik tells me and reaches for my hand, but I pull away. His fingers brushing against mine feel like a fire that burns deep into the bone.

The cords in his throat tighten as he watches the space between us grow and he confesses, “I wanted you to be free. You deserve to live a better life than this.”

His words ring in my ears and echo over and over. It fills the hollowness in the crevices of my chest. He tried to save me?

“You what?” I breathe the question.

Everything slows to a crawl as he answers, a look of shame showing on his face. “This,” he motions with his hands, “this is all my fault.” He struggles to look me in the eye when he tells me, “I knew you’d think it was Mika. I wanted you out, so you could run, but Cross lied to me.”

My heartbeat ticks in slow motion. So slowly, the world tilts on its axis and I feel lightheaded. I have to grip the table to stay upright.

“He said he would get you out. He promised me he’d save you. He fucking lied to me, and I fell for it!” He contains his resentment when I don’t respond, and leans forward begging me to understand, “All I ever wanted was for you to be free from this. I won’t let this ruin you. You deserve so much better than this.”

I can’t speak. I can’t move. I can’t even breathe as I hold onto the table to keep me upright.

“Aria?” Eli calls out my name, but I don’t look at him. I don’t look at Nikolai when he begs me to forgive him. All I can do is stare at a scratch on the steel card table and try to hold on to my sanity.

“You were my friend,” I whisper as tears prick my eyes. This all happened because of him. Because of the one person I had in life. The one person I thought I could fully trust.

“I love you, Aria, and you need to run.” The word run makes my lips twitch. Run. That’s how little he thinks of me. To him, I’m merely a scared girl who needs saving. A girl who should run, not one worthy of staying and fighting.

Letting my gaze find his, I peer into his soft blue eyes and whisper, “You don’t know who I am anymore.”

“You’re innocent in this. You’re too innocent for this life.”

“Nothing about me is innocent, Nikolai. It’s only what you all think of me.”

“You know that it’s not–” Nik tries to backpedal but I cut him off. I’m tired of being the scared little girl. I refuse to be seen as such.

“I never knew I had a choice until it was taken from me. I won’t let anyone take it back.”

“I can make this right, Aria,” Nik reaches for my hand again, leaving his palm up on the table. And I take it willingly because I still love him, even if he’s made all the wrong choices and doesn’t see it. I still love him. He may not know how I’ve changed, but the boy inside of him is the same. My friend is staring back at me. I know that much.

I rub soothing strokes on the back of his hand as I look him in the eyes, letting my anger go and knowing he will never agree with me. My voice is hoarse as I whisper, “I’m fine, Nikolai.”

“You’re not. I can see you clearly, Aria. I always have.” His voice begs me to listen, and I am, I just don’t agree.

“I wish I was a better man, so I could save you. I tried,” he tells me even though he looks past me with disappointment and regret equal in his expression. “I tried.”

My heart pains for his. He’ll never understand, and I don’t know what this means for us, but I know this meeting was useless for this war.

“Try to move the men on Carlisle. I can save myself.” My response gets his attention, and he shoots me a halfhearted smile, but one from a friend to a friend. One that warms the chill that runs through me.

“You’re not doing a very good job of that, Ria.” He uses the same nickname my mother had for me and it breaks the wall of strength I’ve been holding on to.

“It’s been so long since someone’s called me that,” I tell him with a smile that matches his.

“I’ll always love you,” he tells me and he grips my hand harder. He whispers, “Always, Ria,” before kissing my wrist. A move that makes Eli shift his stance once again.

His smile dies before mine does. “I will never forgive myself if something happens to you,” he says, and his voice is choked. “I can’t do anything now, but I promise I’ll make this right, even if you hate me for it.”

“I wish you would just listen to me,” I tell him as the door opens behind me. The rusty hinges make it known without turning my head to see.

“I’ll make it right,” Nikolai says hurriedly as two men walk around the table on either side of me and take him away. I have to grip the edge of my seat to keep from reaching for him. My heart splinters, not knowing when I’ll see him again and feeling as if I’ve failed miserably.

“Don’t be stupid, Nikolai,” I call after him.

He peeks over his shoulder at me with a smile that I recognize and one that brings tears to prick the back of my eyes. “I’ll try not to, Ria.”

“You’ll let him go?” I ask Eli quickly and with a desperation that’s obvious.

He doesn’t hesitate to answer, “So long as he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

I can only nod a response, not trusting myself to speak, knowing full well Nikolai would do foolish things to save me.

The door closes, and Eli tells me we’re waiting for a moment, but I hardly hear him as I think about everything that was revealed in the last thirty minutes.

I never thought much of who I wanted to be as I got older. I only knew what I was running from.

I didn’t want to marry someone my father approved of, like Mika. I never wanted that, and I thought if I stayed quiet and listened, my father wouldn’t marry me off as some of the whispers I’d heard hinted at that possibility.

I didn’t want to be the reason the man I fell in love with died. That’s the exact reason Nikolai and I ended what we had. When my father started watching me closely, when he asked me if anyone had touched me because he’d kill them if they had, I denied it.

And when he cornered Nikolai and asked him, Nikolai told my father what he wanted to hear, that we were nothing but friends, but he would honor my father’s request to leave me alone.

I knew I didn’t want to be alone; I didn’t want to run away. And so, I sat there in my room, quietly hiding from everything I knew I didn’t want, but I never thought of what I wanted. I never chased what I knew deep down could be mine.

Nothing will stop me from chasing it now.