All He’ll Ever Be (Merciless World Series Book 1)

It’s quieter here than I thought it would be. Sebastian picked a nice area. He had the place built two years ago but never came back. I don’t know if it’s the memory of him or everything that happened tonight that makes my heart twist like someone’s wringing it out from inside my chest.

The whiskey didn’t make the pain better. Not the first glass, not the second. Not when I threw the bottle at the window, shattering it and filling the room with the smell of liquor. Earlier, I spent too long sagging against the wall while sitting on the floor of the office staring at the box. The box that’s still open, empty, and pushed up against the rug. I can’t move it back. I can’t bring myself to move it back as if she was never in there.

Everything is telling me to let her go.

Logic and reason. She will never love me because of the way we started. She will never love me after I kill her family. She will never love me, because of the man I am.

I know it all to be true.

But the idea of letting her leave fucking hurts.

“Do you want me to go in with you?” Daniel asks me from the driver’s seat, ripping my gaze from the front of the house and cutting through my thoughts.

“Are you sure you’re okay to see her?” he asks me the real question.

“I’m not going to hurt her,” I tell him as I stare back at the house, praying I’m telling the truth. I want her to feel this pain. I want her to know how much it hurts.

“What are you going to do?” he asks me, his hands sliding down the leather steering wheel.

“I’m going to give her what she wants,” I lie. I’ll never let her leave me.

My brother’s voice is stern and loud in the cabin of the car as he says, “You’re making a mistake.”

I’m taken aback by his criticism, staring at him as the dark night sky gets darker. “You can do what you’d like with Addison; I won’t judge you. But stay out of it when it comes to me and Aria.” It’s all I can tell him because I don’t know what to do with Aria. I don’t know what I can do with a woman who would betray me like she did.

“Are you really going to let her walk away?” When I don’t answer his question, he pushes me by saying, “She’ll have no one when this is done with. No one.”

I raise my voice to reply and end this conversation. “I said I’m going to give her what she wants. I didn’t say I’d let her go.” My blood rushes in my ears as Daniel’s eyes narrow in the darkness.

“Are you coming in?” I ask him, refusing to let him continue.

“No, she’s not inside. She walked down to the liquor store for more wine when Aria went to bed.” He settles back in the seat and looks straight down the road to add, “I’m going to drive up there and keep an eye on her from a distance.”

Pausing, he looks at me before adding, “Cason’s with her and there are eyes are on her, but still…”

“She must know you’ll be watching her,” I say absently, remembering everything that happened months ago.

His nod is solemn. “I know she does. I’m sure she hates it too.”

Giving him a tilt of my head to part ways, I grab the handle to open the door, but Daniel’s words stop me. “I wonder if she’ll know when I get to her.”

With my fingers wrapped around the handle, I still, then ask, “What do you mean?”

“She used to know somehow. Years ago, when Tyler died. Every time I came close to her, she’d turn around as if she knew I was there. It didn’t matter how far away I was or how many other people were around us. She always knew, back then.”

He finally looks over at me, the sorrowful smirk still on his face. “I wonder if it’ll be the same even now.”

I don’t know what advice to give my brother. I can feel his pain and there are no words to help him.

“Just make sure she’s safe,” I tell him, remembering all those years ago and everything that happened between them… between all of us.

“Always,” he tells me and smacks the back of his hand against my arm. “Don’t fuck it up.” He forces a weak smile to his face, although it doesn’t reach his eyes. I can’t give the same back to him.

The sounds of the night greet me as the car door opens and then shuts easily. The crickets and the wind are all I can hear. The men posted on the side of the building see me and I acknowledge them with a simple nod. I button my suit jacket and walk up the sidewalk and onto the porch. With every step, the anxiety over my fears grows. The fear that I’ve lost her forever. That she never loved me, and I never really had her. The fear that tonight has destroyed anything and everything that’s between us.

There’s no turning back from what’s happened. There’s no denying that she’s clouding my judgment and keeping her means losing the confidence and respect from my men.

Helplessness is something I haven’t felt in so long, but it’s with me now as I stalk toward the safe house.

Eli’s been at the front door all day with his earpiece in and the phone displaying the monitors. He stands up straighter with the smack of my boots on the stone steps as I make my way toward him.

“Aria’s in the north bedroom on the second floor. Addison’s at–”

“The liquor store,” I finish the sentence for him.

“Boss,” he says and rewards me with the barest flicker of a smile. “Of course, you’d know.” He opens the massive front door; it’s solid steel eight feet high and three feet wide. The bright light from the foyer reflects off the freshly polished wood floors. It’s been a while since I’ve been here and the memory of standing on this threshold with Sebastian makes me pause.

Chloe, Sebastian’s wife, is the one who chose everything for this house. She wanted to come back. I really thought they were coming home years ago when this house was built, but they didn’t.

Standing there, I remember my childhood like it was yesterday, back when I was a different person. Back before all that shit happened with Aria’s father; before my best friend left and my mother passed away, leaving me on my own to take care of my drunkard of a father and my four brothers. I’ve never thought back on it and felt ashamed. But as I stand here, I think back to who I used to be and know I would hate the man I’ve become. I would hate who I’ve turned into and what I’ve done.

You can’t go back though. You can never go back.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” Eli asks quietly, carefully.

“How is she?” I ask him. I’ve known Eli for four years now. He helped me take over the majority of this territory and he’s the only reason I’ve moved deeper into Crescent Hills, where I’m from. There’s no law in Crescent Hills, so moving my empire there is a task harder than most, and the income doesn’t justify it. It’s a hellhole no one wants, but I thought Sebastian would eventually come back and help me take it. I thought wrong.

“She’s been crying on and off since Addison left.” Eli’s gaze doesn’t stay on mine as he reports on Aria to me. He looks down at his shoes and swallows before looking me back in the eyes. “She saw some of the news. I’m not sure what she’s most upset about. Leaving you or losing her family.”

Anger is a slow simmer. I shouldn’t have waited to pull the trigger. “If they were already dead, I wouldn’t have this problem.”

Eli nods in agreement. “We’re ready when you are, Boss.”

“Romano’s already taking down the streets in the upper east.”

Eli nods again and says, “It’s been all over the news today. I imagine Romano will hit them from the south side this week.”

“Talvery will be expecting it though.”

“That’s good for us here. Chances are good he’ll take his men on the northernmost streets up there and hit him harder.”

“They both react predictably.”

“And they’ll both fall… predictably.” The grin on his face would be reflected on mine, but all I can think about is how Aria will truly hate me then. She was willing to threaten me to save them. Deep in my gut, I know the idea of vengeance is something that will cross her mind. And it fucking kills me.

“I don’t know that I can ever trust her again,” I speak the revelation out loud and regret it immediately. What the fuck is wrong with me?

“She’ll get over it. I overheard her explaining things to Addison; she understands why this has to happen.”

The night air clings to me, holding me here at the threshold instead of moving forward to face Aria.

“Where did you find that dumb fuck, Jett?” I ask him to get off the topic and remind him who I am. His fucking boss.

“He’s a good shot, just a little shit when it comes to his mouth. I think he has Asperger’s or something.” He looks past me and into the night for a moment before continuing. “He’s not too good at reading social clues, but in the war, he waited three days to get a shot on the insurgents in Afghanistan. Three days he stayed in the same bunker, barely bigger than a shack. He didn’t fucking move until the three on his hit list were in his sights.” He huffs a short laugh although it lacks genuine humor. “They came out for a smoke, thinking they were in the clear since it’d been quiet for three days. It only took him twenty seconds to get all three of them in the skull.”

“I still want to rip his fucking throat out,” I tell him absently, although my respect for Jett grows as I picture what he’s been through.

Eli shrugs. “I’ve told him before that he could still shoot his gun if I cut out his tongue.” He chuckles and adds, “Jokingly, of course. I owe him my life.”

“I’ll keep that in mind the next time I want to punch his face in.” My words come out dull, lacking the conviction I had before.

“What’d he say?” he asks me.

“Nothing,” I answer him, knowing I don’t want to have this conversation with him. I respect Eli, but he’s not my friend. This is business.

He nods once, opening the door just a hair more and the soft sound of it creaking is loud in my ears.

“Tell the men not to go in and to stall Addison until I’m done in here,” I say, staring at the spiral staircase that leads to the second floor where my little songbird is now caged. “I don’t want her to hear this.”

“Yes, Boss.”

I pat him on the shoulder as I walk in, but I don’t look him in the eyes. Even though I’m staring at the staircase, all I can see is everything that happened hours ago. The gun she pointed at me, the box she ran to and hid in. The sight of the car as it pulled away and how she didn’t object.

My throat’s tight and the hammering of my heart gets faster and more painful as I climb the stairs. The railing is slick under my hot palm.

She’s mine.

She’s going to know I fucking own her when I leave her tonight.

Even if she still leaves me, she will always belong to me.

Always.

The thought makes the rushing of blood in my ears that much louder. Each step closer to the door my cock gets harder, thinking of every reaction she’ll have to me.

Anger, hate even.

Or maybe she’ll beg me to forgive her.

I close my eyes, resting the flat side of my fist against the wall to the right of her bedroom door at the thought of her begging me for mercy. Something she refused to do in the cell.

My eyes open slowly at the sound of the bed creaking from just beyond the door.

Aria

I heard his footsteps before the door opened.

I can’t explain why I prayed for it to be Carter. The last time I saw him, all I had was fear of him.

With the window open, the wind drifts in, shifting the curtains out of place and letting the moonlight drape over Carter’s dominant form.

My heart flickers in a weird uneven beat and I’m reminded of the first time I ever saw him. The same fear races through me, but so does the feeling that he could save me.

If only he wanted to, but from the sharp look in his eyes, that’s not what he has planned for me at all.

At this point, I’m okay with that. He can do what he’d like to me because I already know I’ll submit to him. I already know I still love him. No matter how fucked up it is.

“Carter,” I whisper his name as I sit up in bed, letting the sheets fall into a puddle around me. A shiver graces my skin as the wind tickles my shoulder.

The floor creaks with his heavy step and the shadow across his face moves, hugging the sharp lines of his jaw as he stalks toward me.

“Get on your knees,” he commands me in a rough voice. That’s the only greeting he gives me and it reminds me of what life was like in the cell with him.

Defiance runs deep in my blood and it spikes anger high in my chest as my jaw clenches.

“That’s what you have to say to me?” I question him with my voice wavering. Anxiety and heartbreak are equally present, making my toes curl and my fists bunch the silk sheets. I can barely breathe as I bite back the words, “You didn’t come for me.”

He pauses at the end of the bed, but only for a moment, a single beat of my wretched heart. He speaks softly, yet forcefully as he slips off his jacket and lays it carefully at the end of the bed.

“I have many things to say to you, Aria Talvery,” he practically spits my name and I snarl back, “Fuck you,” feeling the hate for him intensify.

I’ve always known he was my enemy, but I never felt as if he saw me that way. The tides have changed.

His deft fingers unbutton his shirt and my eyes leave his to watch as he strips.

“I told you to get on your knees,” he reminds me in a voice that drips of dominance and sex. He tosses his shirt on top of his jacket, losing the control he had a moment ago.

My eyes are drawn to the leather of his belt as he unbuckles it and then quickly pulls it from its place, letting the leather hiss through the air.

My pussy clenches as he bends the leather into a loop and waits for me to obey him. “You’ve already questioned me, defied me, and lied to me today. Are you really going to disobey me again?”

I swallow thickly, knowing I want his punishment, and I want this. But I didn’t lie to him.

“I’ve never lied to you and I never will,” I tell him quickly, feeling my pulse quicken.

“You didn’t tell me the truth. That’s lying,” he says, his voice louder and he doesn’t hide his anger in the least.

“I won’t…” I pause and trail off. Biting down on my lower lip, I hate that the one conflict we have that will tear us apart, again and again, is one we will never agree on. “I won’t sit back and let you kill them. I won’t.”

Carter’s movements are faster than I thought possible, sending a spike of fear through me. The belt hits the bed as he grips my chin and lowers his lips to mine. My heart races and lust mixes with terror. “You don’t have a choice,” he whispers against my lips.

I question myself even as the words leave my lips, “You’re wrong.”

I can feel his heat; I can hear his heart hammer in his chest as I stare into his dark eyes. I could get lost in them forever and at this moment, I wish I could. “I wish things were different,” I tell him as his silence grows.

“They will be soon,” he says. The darkly spoken words come with a threat. “On your knees, songbird.”

It’s his nickname for me, his grip on my chin, his lips so close to mine and the rapid pace of his heart, that all make me move.

I keep my eyes on his for as long as I can as I get onto all fours and let him slowly strip my pants from me. He pulls them down slowly, teasingly even as his fingers brush down my sensitive skin.

The cool air is all I can feel for a moment and I know the belt is coming. I brace for it, but there’s nothing for what feels like forever.

“Do you think you deserve this?” he asks me with his voice low and not an ounce of resentment that I expect.

I breathe the word easily, truthfully, “Yes.”

The belt bites the flesh of my right thigh from behind and I scream out in agony. He didn’t waste a second.

My thighs tremble as I try to stay on all fours.

Smack! The edges of the belt scrape against my ass and send a wave of pain through my body while burning where they slice across my skin. I can’t control the sob that claws its way up my throat. My toes curl as I grip the sheets tighter and fight back the tears.

I jump at the soft touch of Carter’s hand against my heated flesh, wishing I’d said no, but then I would be the liar I claimed not to be.

“Do you know what happens to men who point a gun at me, Aria?” Carter’s voice is laced with a deadly threat as he bends over me, his hard cock digging into my ass and just the feeling of it sends a deep-rooted desire to surface in my blood.

The lust nearly drowns out the pain. It’s so close, and I wish it would, but Carter isn’t finished punishing me yet.

His lips brush the shell of my ear as he tells me, “They don’t live to pull the trigger.”

I have to swallow before I can answer him. My skin alternates between pain and pleasure on the places where his hand still rubs soothing circles. “I never would have pulled it,” I answer him in a soft voice while rocking my hips back against him. I’ve always been a whore for him. I bow to him and love it. Some sick side of me desires it. I imagine I always will.

“You don’t care that everyone saw, do you?” he asks me and the weight of what I’ve done feels heavier.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do it.” I swallow thickly, conflicted by my exhaustion, my pain, my greed for more of his touch. “You left me no choice.”

He pulls away instantly, leaving my body feeling the chill of the air between us. I can hear the metal buckle of his belt clink and see him raise his arm in the shadows that play on the wall in front of me.

I close my eyes tightly but it doesn’t help in the least.

Smack! The belt bites at my left ass cheek, and then immediately moves to the right.

I bite down as hard as I can on nothing and try to hold back my cries as the belt screams in the air and lands blow after blow against my tender flesh.

My arms buckle as the pain rips through me. Tears leak uncontrollably from the corners of my eyes.

Carter fists the hair at the base of my skull and forces me to look at him.

His eyes are dark and swirling with tortured emotion. “I need to see you, Aria. You can’t hide from me.”

My head shakes before I realize I’ve moved, the stinging pain making even the small movement of brushing my thigh against his absolute agony. “I can’t,” I whimper.

I’ve never felt a pain like this. I try to hold back the tears as my shoulders shake, but they come regardless.

“You can take this,” Carter tells me, grabbing the reddened flesh of my thigh and squeezing it. The pressure forces the pain to shred every last piece of control I have.

With his right hand on my thigh, he cups my pussy with his left.

My back bows instantly and I’d collapse to my side if he wasn’t holding me in place. The pleasure is unimaginable. Every inch of my body feels it. My nipples pebble, but my neck arches and my body begs for more.

“You can take this, Aria.” Carter’s voice is gentle, soothing, and deep as he rubs his fingers against my sensitive clit. From the way he sounds right now, I almost wonder if the lust he once had for me is now gone, but I know that can’t be true. That can’t be the case from the way he starts to touch me.

He pinches my clit and a lightning bolt of pleasure thrills every nerve ending in my body. I’m hot and cold at the same time. Quivering beneath the man who gives me pain I can’t bear and pleasure that’s as equally consuming.

And I crave more of him. I need his fingers inside of me.

He pulls away as the numbing pleasure races through me and I see him reach for the belt again.

“Carter,” I whimper a plea. I love the pleasure, but the pain is terrifying. “Please,” I beg him.

He hesitates. With my cheek on the pillow, staring up at the broken man who only knows how to break others, I beg him again. “Please, forgive me.”

“I’ve already forgiven you,” are the only words he gives me before gripping the belt tighter.

I close my eyes, waiting for more punishment, waiting for Carter to take me how he thinks he needs.

Instead, a soothing hand runs along the dip in my waist, and as much as I want to pull away, knowing his gentle touch is going to cause where he’s struck me to flare with pain, I stay still for him. I let him caress where the belt met my skin, and bring the pain to the surface even more.

“I just want you,” I whisper into the pillow. It feels damp beneath my cheek, soaked from my tears. “Please, Carter.”

“This is me, Aria. This is who I am.”

His words are a fire that licks along the wounds of my heart, split into two halves of who I am. The first half of me is a woman who’s broken and in love with a man who’s been hurt more times in this life than I could possibly bear. And the other half is a woman who wants to be strong and refuses to allow her will to be ignored any longer.

“You don’t know who you are anymore, Carter. No more than I knew who I was when I held the gun,” I tell him in a shuddering voice. “Take from me what you want,” I concede. Closing my eyes, I bury my head in the pillow but then remember what he said. And so, I position myself on all fours again, even as my legs shake. “I’ll give it all to you.”

The belt drops to the bed with a thud and before I can turn my head to look over my shoulder at Carter, he plunges deep inside of me, his cock filling me and stretching me without mercy. One of his hands grips my hip to keep me upright as the force of his thrust nearly shoves my body into a prone position from the blow. Fuck! It’s too much so quickly. The scream that’s torn from me is silent.

With his other hand, he pinches my clit hard and the force of the pleasure tearing through me makes my back bow as I scream out his name.

His thumb rubs my clit relentlessly as he rides through my orgasm, fucking me like it’s the last thing he’ll ever be able to do.

And I take it all. Biting down on the pillow to mute the screams and writhing beneath him from the mix of pain and pleasure that confuses my body, I take all of him.

Over and over again.

I take it until I think he’ll break me. Until my body begs me to flee, but even then, he doesn’t stop. He’s a brutal man, with brutal instincts and I don’t know that he’ll ever have mercy on me again.

I’m barely sane, barely coherent when I feel his thick cock pulse inside of me. The head of his dick is pressed deep inside of me, and I’ve never before wanted a moment to last forever like I do now. Feeling the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had while Carter groans my name and then lowers his lips to kiss my shoulder.

He breathes heavily as he lays his chest on my back, moving one hand to brace himself and the other to hold my belly, keeping my skin pressed to his.

The last kiss he gives me is a long one, his lips to my shoulder. Like he doesn’t want it to end.

“I fell in love with the idea of you,” he whispers after pulling his kiss away from me. “Then I fell in love with fucking you.” There’s an agony etched in his words. It sounds like he’s telling me goodbye and I’ve only just now realized it.

“Carter,” I say as I turn in his embrace, ignoring the pain from the belt which is still present, bringing my hands to either side of his hard jaw and try to kiss him back, but he pulls away.

“I thought I loved you.” Every bit of the man who brings terror to all who defy him is gone. There’s a softness in his eyes that begs me to accept it all, to bow down to him and bend to his will. No matter what it is.

But I can’t. Not anymore. Not after what happened, and I saw the truth of what’s to come. And if that means this is the end…

I gaze into his eyes as he stares into mine, and I can feel the unspoken words. Either I submit to him, or I’m his enemy.

“I love you, Carter. But I won’t be your songbird anymore. Not when you chose to ignore the one thing I need from you.”

“You want me to surrender and that’s something I can’t do.” He swallows thickly, the hard edge to his tone growing rougher. “You’re making it impossible for us to be together.”

The tension between us is too real, so thick and so suffocating. “So are you,” I tell him. “I love you, but I will go to war against you.” My words are shaky as they leave my lips. “I still love you, Carter. And I still want you.” The last words come out rushed and I beg him to believe me.

“I will kill every man of the army that backs you, Aria. I will destroy them all until there’s no reason left to fight.” He doesn’t mention anything about love. Only war.

“I will die to protect them,” I tell him the truth. They’re my family. And they’ve protected me. “I have to,” I plead with him to understand.

He doesn’t conceal the pain my answer causes him. And that only makes my own suffering grow. “Where is that loyalty for me? For my brothers?”

“I will never hurt them or you.” The thought of them dying at the hands of my own family clutches my heart in a vise. My voice cracks as I speak, “I only said I would protect my own.”

“Little naïve songbird… I wish you could.”