Aliens Moved My Cheese

Mankind has always had our share of monsters. When we were a bit farther down on the food chain our monsters were apex predators like the Sabertooth Tiger. When we became the top apex predator, we had the daunting task of inventing monsters to fear. We came up with more than a few interesting expressions of our phobias like vampires, werewolves, etc. Apparently the tried and tested monster standards got old after a while. Now we have pop culture introducing a new generation of vamps and werewolves in the movies that are a bit more human friendly. Vampires that twinkle (Twighlight)? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me right? Werewolves who fall in love with their vamp overlords (Underworld)? Not on my watch you son’s of bitches! The real monsters that actually exist all have human faces these days. The mythological monsters we’ve grown to fear in modern times frequently are visiting from other worlds. Why fear a grey alien that is claimed to have a weak body and a big ass brain you say? We are that guy here on earth. We’re not as strong as any of the great apes but we can out think the lot of them. There are plenty of real apex predators, who can still rend our ass limb from limb but the smart ones stay away from us out of fear. They fear us for a good reason. We’ve pushed many of them to the verge of extinction. We achieved our top dog status by means of our adaptability, social networking, culture and weapons tech. A grey alien if it is a fantasy creature is simply a case of us looking over our shoulder for the next up and coming apex threat. We got where we are today through our smarts and if we run into another species that is more advanced intellectually that could mean our ass. The Grey aliens are just one more monster in a long line of boogie men. The people in each historical era have a primary fear that can be associated with the time they live in. In the middle ages through the 19th century for example many feared vampires, werewolves and ghosts. I believe since we are in a rapidly advancing technological epoch, our deep seeded subconscious fear may be technology. Computer experts haven’t even created AI yet and people are preemptively freaking out about and stating their fears about the implications of it. Following the launch of the first manmade satellite Sputnik UFO sightings went up 1000%. I think we should carefully examine that correlation as a way to explain why so many people world wide believe mindlessly in unproven shit.

We have to remember that humans still have pretty much the same minds and bodies as we did when we were living in caves. Our neurosis about technology probably exists because of the rapidly accelerating rate of technological advances we’ve witnessed just in my lifetime. We evolved genetically to be excellent problem solvers but these days the playing field keeps getting leveled every few years as opposed to every few decades or centuries and we have to continuously play catch up. It took me years to figure out how to program a VCR and by the time I did everybody was going to DVD’s. I didn’t learn how to effectively use a personal computer until I went to college. Now I know how to use Microsoft Spreadsheets, Photoshop, Microsoft Publisher, Excel, etc but now I come to find out many of these programs are outdated relics. I’m a writer so it behooves me keep up with the latest trends and software to some extent. This puts a lot of stress on me to acquire new computer skills all the time. It’s stressful because I’m from the era when most writers were still banging out books on typewriters. Until this book I was still doing all my writing freehand before word processing it. I’m a fairly bright and adaptable guy and these rapid advances have caused me endless headaches. Imagine how stressful this might be for less intelligent mere mortals? I’m in the top 10th percentile of all human beings intellectually and I have a graduate degree, yet technology gives me at least a moderate amount of stress. Billy Joe Jimbob in the trailer park holding his Jr. High School diploma up proudly has to be completely losing his shit. If many people see technology as a reason for anxiety, it makes sense that super intelligent Grey aliens would be the modern day equivalent of a mythical werewolf. We as a species seem to some have a psychological need for our monsters. In my opinion that’s because it’s far easier on us psychologically, than looking and the mirror and seeing the real monster staring back at us.

Please Note: I never once said either werewolves or grey aliens are pure fantasy. I was certainly thinking it but I didn’t say that. I’m sure that at least one or more of my five readers would probably have a seizure if I badmouthed their favorite boogie man. I’m willing to look at legitimate proof of the existence of both creatures. The problem is no such legitimate evidence for either creature exists. Personal testimonials and easily falsifiable photos/ films do not count as legitimate evidence, just like the Bible isn’t proof of God’s existence. See how that works? The verdict is for all intensive purposes still out on these monsters being real. If you “met a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vicks and his hair was perfect” tell him to drop by and we’ll do some tequila shots. I’d love to be surprised and find out they really are out there howling at the moon, like schizophrenic tripping balls on shrooms who thinks he’s basset hound. I’d love to do the old Q&A with a grey alien, just as long as he leaves the ass probe at home and promises not to cut up any cattle. Barring such revelations consider me just a wee bit skeptical. When we consider our species historical track record for inventing things that go bump in the night are any of you really surprised I demand proof of werewolves and aliens, before jumping on their respective bandwagons? In recorded history we see a clear cut cultural pattern of such stories developing to suit each particular era. I’m suggesting that in a historical period in which wolf attacks were a very real and present danger, a man wolf is king of the scary monsters. In a technological age the booger man is brilliant sentient alien, with more advanced tech and weird sexual habits. When you look at the issue in that sort of context, it’s far easier to understand why many otherwise sane and/or intelligent people would want to believe in these critters without valid supporting data. I want the aliens to be real, so I can kick it with alien chicks remember? That doesn’t mean I want to invest in an alien inflatable fuck doll and engage in play pretend. That would just be pathetic.