Aliens Moved My Cheese

I can normally find an interesting perspective in just about any UFO conspiracy theory, no matter how silly it sounds. I can’t find a single thing that interests me or intrigues about the recent resurgence of the ancient alien craze. This pile of dog shit was a fad when I was a tween back in the late 70’s. It all began with a poorly written book “Chariot of the Gods.” It’s author Erich Von Daniken postulated that the ancient Egyptians couldn’t possibly have built the pyramids due to a lack of technical knowledge and an absence of the skill set and machinery required to build such a huge and complicated structure. Where to start? I’m not going to argue the point that aliens might have visited ancient earth and had contact with our primitive ancestors. Although there is a case to be made that if the aliens don’t want to contact us now, why would they break with that alleged protocol and stop in for a visit in ancient times? It simply does not make any sense. I can debunk Erich Von Daniken simply by pointing out that there is conclusive proof that the ancient Egyptians had the mathematics, architectural skills and technical know how to construct the pyramids. It was further proven by a study conducted by the University of Cairo, that included the building of a small pyramid with primitive tools we know existed at the time and have been uncovered near the actual pyramids by archeologists.

Other than the obvious reason for Daniken to make this shit up (selling a crappy pseudo-scientific book to gullible idiots) what could his motivation be for writing such drivel I wonder? I figured out the answer at age twelve, so it’s pretty obvious. Daniken was a shameless ethnocentrist. With a name like Daniken he is undoubtedly of Western European descent. That’s why it made it easy for him to assume the ancient Egyptians were incapable of building the pyramids. Never mind the fact that his ancestors at the time were running into battle naked and painted blue, living in caves and worshipping fire. He just couldn’t conceive of another racial group accomplishing something as monumental as pyramid building. So once he falsely discounted Egyptians as the builders, what’s the next logical choice for a moron of his caliber? The aliens must have done it! How could I ever have doubted him *rolls eyes? Never mind the fact that we have no conclusive proof that aliens exist at all. He suggested that paintings in ancient Egyptian tombs reveal a record of alien visits. Wrong again short bus! Those odd looking creatures in tomb paintings are the ancient Egyptian pantheon of Gods coincidentally also made up fantasy creatures.

My conclusion is that by the age of twelve I had more knowledge about the history ancient Egypt than Erich Von Daniken. The frightening part of this whole sordid tale is that “The Chariot of the Gods” was a runaway best seller that is still in print today. Daniken is still referenced on the T.V show “Ancient Aliens” as an expert on the subject. I am sickened by the fact that show is a creation of “The History Channel.” Revisionist history uttered by a hack writer with the intellectual skills of a garden slug, does not qualify as actual historical fact. Yet millions of people in our modern technological society watch that show and others like it and nod their heads in agreement. We next need to ask ourselves why is this nonsense believable to so many people, not all of whom are crazy and/or stupid? Clearly some of these folks are intellectually lazy people, who like to be told what to think. It’s a hell of a lot easier than actually reading about ancient Egypt and drawing rational conclusions now isn’t it? That explains why so many UFO conspiracy theorists discard common sense and scientific curiosity and replace it with pseudo-scientific suppositions proclaimed by sensationalist writers, out to make a buck on the UFO craze. Hollywood has been no help in this matter. I’ve own no less than six science fiction movies in my DVD collection, which suggest that aliens visited ancient earth and helped advance human society. Now granted these are fictional tales but let’s face it in actuality so is the book “Chariot of the Gods.”

The runner up in the ancient aliens fraud list of shame is the asshole who first postulated that the Nazca lines in Peru were the work of aliens that were using them as visual markers for landing spacecraft. Yes once again it was Eric Von Daniken in his book “Chariot of the Gods.” The Nazca lines when observed from higher altitudes are clearly pictures of existing animals living in that region called geoglyphs. His theory was that because these geoglyphs could only be seen from the air they had to be used for the purpose of directing space traffic. Never mind the fact that they can clearly be seen from atop the surrounding foothills. No aircraft or spacecraft necessary you loon. They were in actuality used as an astronomical tool for determining the date of the winter solstice and possibly they also had a religious significance. The amusing part about Daniken’s idiotic theory is that the factual knowledge and research of the Nazca lines was available at the time he wrote his book. He just didn’t take the trouble to look that shit up. Daniken in true Daniken form also suggested that the lines were too complex for the indigenous Nazca Indians to construct. Once again he was wrong. It was conclusively proven that people with simple stone tools could have made the Nazca lines. According to Daniken ancient non-whites were all a bunch of incompetent imbeciles. Does this guy ever get tired of being wrong?

Now all theory mockery aside, what do Daniken’s theories tell us that might be of value? In terms of historical facts and Ufology absolutely nothing. In fact his theories are counterproductive to actual scientific study of the UFO phenomena and utterly worthless. Daniken’s contribution is that he has shown us that people are willing to believe some seriously bat shit crazy lunatic fringe nonsense, when the word “alien” is attached to a theory. It is a warning that we should study UFO conspiracies and theories with a more scientific sensibility and using scientific method only, as opposed to going with the unsubstantiated flavor of the month UFO conspiracy theory douche bag’s fantasy historical revisionism. This is one case of a UFO theory, where I can conclusively say this theory is false and there is a mountain of evidence debunking it. Danikan is an expert in selling bullshit to the gullible, not a UFO expert. There is a reason he is not a member of academia teaching a college course in the paranormal. Any college that would have him would be the laughingstock of the free world and should be burned to the ground for promoting something so off base and ridiculous. If “ The Chariots of the Gods” were written as a fictional comedy I would laugh my ass off at it and proclaim it a masterpiece. Sadly you’ll find it in the non-fiction rack in the bookstore.