Acceptance

“Hey! You’re coming to the party tonight, right?,” my best friend, Drew asked me. He’s a tall, blonde haired, football player. He is tan from being outside so much, and has large muscles from practice and working out so much. I will admit, he’s really attractive. He isn’t my type though. He’s too... muscular. A nice toned body is what I like. I like some muscle on my men, just not too much. It doesn’t matter though. Even if he was tiny with barely any muscle, it wouldn’t bother me. Not that I’ve ever been with a guy. That’s not going to change either. No way.

I’m straight.

Fuck, let’s just face it. I’m not straight. I’m supposed to be, but I’m not. No straight guy would be attracted to guys. I know I’m clearly not straight, so why can’t I accept it?

Nobody can know, so it doesn’t even matter.

“Dude?,” Drew asked and slapped my arm with a chuckle. I snapped out of my thoughts and nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll just tell my parents I’m staying the night at your house,” I answered and he smirked.

“Plan on getting laid, I’m guessing?,” he nudged me playfully and I chuckled.

“Of course! That’s what parties are for. Getting wasted and getting laid,” I grinned.

“Very true, dude,” he agreed as he opened his locker to switch out with the books he would need for his next class. “Wait, what about Vanessa?”

Vanessa was this week’s ‘girlfriend’. We weren’t really dating. She called me over the weekend asking for a favor. She said she’s been feeling really lonely lately and was hoping I would help her get her confidence back up so she could get the confidence to talk to her actual crush. She knew I didn’t date girls for long periods of time and had heard from her friend Sarah that I could help her. I agreed to help her on the terms that neither her or Sarah would tell anyone.

I wasn’t sure how it hadn’t spread to the whole school that most of my ‘flings’ weren’t flings at all, but I was grateful that it hadn’t. I didn’t want anyone figuring out my secret. As dumb as it sounds, I feel like what I do is a good coverup. Who would suspect the guy who constantly has a new girl on his arm wasn’t actually straight?

I met Vanessa at her locker on Monday, flirted some, gave her a kiss on the cheek before going to class, and by the time lunch started, we were ‘dating’. I’d hold her hand as we walked down the hallway, kiss her occasionally, and even took her on a date. She came over to my house a couple times and I did what I could to help her. I taught her a few tips for making out, I taught her how to flirt since she asked me to, and a few more things to help with her confidence.

It’s Friday now and she is feeling confident enough to talk to her crush and flirt with him. She plans on flirting with him some today during school and then more at the party tonight.

“She broke it off this morning. She’s really sweet, but she was right when she said it wasn’t really working out. She wanted to be in more of a committed relationship and knew I couldn’t really give her that. It’s whatever,” I answered with a shrug and he nodded.

“Sorry, dude,” he said as he shut the locker door.

“It’s fine,” I gave him a reassuring smile and we went to our classes. He knew I wasn’t upset about it, so he didn’t make a big deal about it. This was a common occurrence and he knew me well enough by now to know when I was actually upset about something and when I didn’t really care.

The day passed quickly and I left the school as soon as I could. I didn’t want to be in that building any longer than I had to be. Drew had a game tonight, so he was with his team preparing for the game.

Usually I would go to the games but tonight I had plans with my friend Remmy. Remmy graduated last year and is going to a college in California. He is openly bisexual back in California, but his family doesn’t know. He figured out my secret from being overly observant and told me he would come out to his family when I came out to mine. I told him that he wouldn’t tell them then because I’m never telling them anything. He doesn’t believe me though. He is convinced that one day I will come out to them.

Anyways, Remmy is visiting and we are going to hang out a bit before the party. I invited him to the party but he has an early morning tomorrow.

I got in my car and began the drive to my house. I live in a small two story, three bedroom house with my parents. I’m an only child and I’m not very close with my parents. After I found out how anti-LGBTQ+ they are, I started distancing myself a bit. They just assume it’s a phase since I’m still a teenager.

I parked my car in the driveway and went up to my bedroom. It has cream colored walls, a queen sized bed with blue sheets, cluttered desk, and the same furniture any other bedroom has. I have a television mounted on the wall across from my bed and gaming system.

I tossed my backpack by my desk and laid down on my bed. I scrolled through my social media while I waited for Remmy.

Half an hour later, Remmy walked into my room and spent our time catching up and playing videogames. He told me about his new boyfriend and how great California has been for him. He said being out felt so freeing and wished I would come out to my family. He even offered to help me but I turned him down.

Nope. Never going to happen.