A Story of Now

In the hot, late afternoon, Claire wanders onto the porch, restless and bored and tired of being alone. Nina is there, perched on one of the railings, scribbling furiously in a notebook.

Claire lowers herself sideways across the hammock and idly watches Nina. So Nina does write. She has only ever heard her talk about it. She writes quickly, too, covering the page with a big looping letters as her tongue pokes out between her front teeth. Claire smiles at her industriousness, the way she tucks her hair behind her ear, quickly flicks over to the next page, and continues to scribble down a thought. She’s never seen her friend so serious.

Settling back against the clinging embrace of the hammock, Claire uses her feet to push it into a slight swinging motion, just like she used to do when she was a kid. Then, as a small wave of nausea rises through her, she puts her feet down quickly to stop it. Bad idea.

Nina eventually looks up. She chews her pen and squints at Claire. “Hi.”

Claire gives her a mellow smile. “Hey. What are you writing?”

Nina closes the book. “Nothing. Just something dumb.”

Claire nods but doesn’t ask anything more. She’s curious about Nina and her writing, but she can’t be bothered to penetrate Nina’s coyness. “Where is everyone?” she asks instead.

Nina rests her head against the post, kicks out her legs, and puts the book down next to her. “Robbie and Eli are at the lake. And Pete’s hiking into town.” She shakes her head. “Where is town, anyway? Is it far?”

Claire raises her eyebrows. “Yeah, it’s pretty far. Why didn’t he just drive?”

“I have no idea. I think he actually wanted to walk. Weirdo.”

Claire smiles her agreement as she lies there and contemplates the incredible stillness of the day. Usually there is at least a light breeze coming off the lake, keeping the trees restless and the air cool, but not today. The only sounds are the chime of a bellbird somewhere in the trees and that dull clang of the pipes being used somewhere in the house.

“Dan messaged me this morning.”

Claire reluctantly pulls her thoughts and her gaze back to Nina.

She’s smiling shyly.

It takes Claire a moment to remember who Dan is such is the state of her brain today. Then she does. “Really?”

“Yeah, he asked me to go on a date when we get back from here.” Nina laughs and shakes her head. “I don’t think I’ve been on a date since high school.”

“Hang on; have you seen him since the party?” Claire asks, surprised. She assumed Nina saw him again at some point.

“Nope.” Nina shakes her head. “We’ve talked on the phone a couple of times, but I wanted to…I don’t know…take it slow?” she says as if this is still an alien concept she’s toying with.

“Wow.” Claire is impressed. Nina really does seem to be taking that self-help book of hers seriously. “So, he’s into you. And you’re into him?”

Nina tips her head to the side and thinks about it. “Yeah, both.”

Claire is silent for a minute, wishing she could feel that same kind of simplicity right now. Then she finally looks over at her friend. “That’s great, Neen. Really, it is.”

Nina smiles and turns her pen between her fingers.

The screen door suddenly opens and Mia slips through it, Blue at her heels. She’s in her shorts and a tank, carrying runners.

“Hey.” She kind of smiles but doesn’t look directly at either of them as she walks past and sits on the wooden step to pull on her shoes.

“Hey,” Claire mutters, feeling the instant pierce of hurt.

Blue trots over and rests his snout on the edge of the hammock.

“Hi,” Nina says. Then she turns straight back to Claire. “What about you? Have you heard from Jeremy?”

“Yeah, a couple of times.” Claire blushes and bites her lip as she strokes the soft fur between Blue’s ears. Wow, of all the crappy timing, Nina has to mention that now?

Her gaze flicks toward Mia. Her shoes now laced, she stands up quickly and ties up her hair into a knot behind her head. She gives off no sense of whether she took in what Claire just said. As soon as Blue sees her stand, he bolts down the steps of the veranda, immediately on high walk alert. Mia pulls her earphones out of her pocket and untangles the cord.

“What are you up to, Mia?” Nina asks.

Mia turns, holding her earphones next to her ears. “Taking Blue for a run.” She jogs a little on the spot as if to test her legs.

“A run? After last night?” Nina gasps and shakes her head. “Is this self-punishment of some sort?”

Mia half laughs and rests her hands on her hips. “No, it actually makes me feel better.”

Nina’s nose wrinkles. “Really? I don’t get it, but I fully support you, Mia. Please don’t die out there.”

Mia laughs, plugs her earphones into her ear, and gives a little wave. Then she jogs away from them in long even strides as Blue bolts backward and forward across the path a few paces ahead of her.

Nina sighs loudly and scratches her ear with her pen. “Who are these people we came here with? One’s hiking into town? Another is jogging? Did we just bring them here to make us feel bad about ourselves? I can’t tell if I’m jealous of their wholesomeness or disgusted by it.”

Claire watches Mia pace away down the track that leads around to the far side of the lake and nods. “Yeah, they’re not like us lazy folk, that’s for sure.”

“I think they might be like dogs, you know, and we’re more like cats.”

Claire laughs. “What? Uh, okay. You write that incredible metaphor down, Neen. For later.”

“Shut up, Claire.” Nina smiles, but she looks a little hurt too.

“Hey, I’m kidding. I know what you mean.” Instantly contrite, Claire watches Nina frown as she runs a finger over the cover of her notebook. Claire bites her lip. Why does she always pick on Nina? There’s no need to tease her just because Claire’s a hot mess today. “I’m sorry. Ignore me. I’m just being a bitch because I’m tired and hungover and…” She stops, not knowing what she could tack onto that sentence that she’d be willing to say aloud. So she starts again. “Well, I’m tired and hungover and this is how I get when no one puts me down for my afternoon nap.”

Nina lets her off with a small snicker.

Relieved, Claire sits up and yawns. “So I think I better do it myself.” She climbs off the hammock and stretches. “I’ll see you later.”

Nina nods and opens her book again.

Claire starts to walks toward her room but then pauses and turns to Nina, curious. “Do you think you’ll ever let me read something you write?”

“Maybe,” Nina replies. She holds the book close to her in a way that tells Claire it would be a big ask.

Claire nods and leaves her there on the porch.

* * *

Alone again, Claire lies on her bed. She stares at the shadows of the trees that lace the white walls with a frenzy of patterns and still feels traces of shame at teasing Nina. She fights a sudden urge to cry. She just feels wrong today, wrong and awkward, and as if she can’t be comfortable in her own skin.

And the worst part is she feels like this even when Mia isn’t around. The feeling and the distance are there whether Mia is or not. But when she is there of course it’s even worse. She cannot handle this polite, distanced version of Mia. Something has to give.

Claire sighs and pouts at the wall, glad no one’s around to witness her acting like an angsty teenager. She doesn’t want to be, but sadly that’s how she feels today, like an inexperienced adolescent who has no idea how to behave in front of the person she likes, a person who’s busily ignoring her.

Claire’s never been this person before. And she’s never had to be proactive. Guys have always pursued her, been at the mercy of her whims, her level of interest, her decisions about how something would play out. Usually it’s been them, frustrated and demanding to know what she wants. Now she’s quickly learning the insecurity that comes with being at the other end of this power dynamic.

And she’s certainly never experienced this sudden change from friendship to something more either. Never has she experienced this sudden, perplexing shift in the nature of her feelings about someone. In the past, guys were either her friends, or they were more, or they were nothing at all. Those lines never felt blurred. Nor did they suddenly shift when she wasn’t looking, throwing everything into chaos.

And to make this even more of a brave new world of weirdness, she’s never had feelings for a girl either. That’s probably a whole other universe of confusion that might or might not be coming to a town near her. But right now, Claire has time only for the immediate concern of her confounding new feelings for Mia. What that might mean in the bigger picture can wait.

Claire stares at the ceiling and wishes she had someone she could ask about how to deal with this mess she’s gotten herself into.

The crappy thing is Mia’s the one she would probably talk to about something like this. But it’s Mia she’s getting all deranged about. She can’t talk to Robbie. Claire already learned the hard and slightly embarrassing way where his loyalty firmly lies. And Nina’s a sweetheart, but she’s not really the kind of person Claire can have these kinds of conversations with. And Nina will probably think she’s talking about Jeremy and get all excited.

She rubs her hand across her forehead and presses in softly on the site of her headache. That means there’s only one person who she trusts and who might be able to make this all a bit clearer. She grabs her phone out of her bag.

Cam picks up straight away. That’s the bonus of having him laid up. He’s actually around.

“Hey, what’s up?” he says by way of greeting.

Suddenly feeling completely ridiculous, Claire just plunges in. “Okay, I cannot believe I’m even asking you this, but I don’t know who else to ask, so I’m asking you,” she tells him without taking a breath.

“Asking…what?” He sounds wary. He should.

“Have you ever been friends with someone, and then kind of gotten a…thing for them, but you’re just supposed to be friends?”

Cam is silent for a second, clearly processing the question. “Hey, this isn’t that Robbie guy you’ve been hanging with, is it? The one I met at the gallery? Because Claire, I’m pretty sure he’s not into lady parts.”

“No.” She rolls her eyes. “I am well aware of that. It doesn’t matter who it is. Answer the question.”

“Okay, bossy.” He’s quiet for a moment. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’ve had girls I liked and gotten friend zoned, but the other way around? Claire, I don’t have that many friends who are girls, if you hadn’t noticed.”

She nods. It’s true. Cam is very much a guy’s guy when it comes to his friendship group.

“Don’t you have some chick friend you can talk with about this?”

“Not really. Not right now.” And that’s the problem, she thinks but doesn’t say. He doesn’t need the details. “So, if you were in that situation, what would you do? Hypothetically?”

He chuckles into the phone. “Okay, well then, the only obvious solution, sister dear, is to get shit-faced drunk with them and see if something happens. That’s what I’d do.”

Claire sighs. “Been there.”

“And?”

“That’s when things happen. But then it’s like it didn’t happen when we’re sober again.”

“Oh, well, Claire, I don’t know. I think you are going to have to do what we Pearsons love to do.”

She narrows her eyes. “What?”

“Head on confrontation.”

She groans. That’s precisely what she wants to avoid.

He knows exactly what she’s thinking. “I know, but if you like him that much, you are just going to have to ask.”

“Crap.” Claire slaps her hand down on the bedcovers.

“Look, I know you’re used to dudes lining up at the door, begging for your princess act, but maybe, just maybe, you’ve found someone where you are going to have to do a little work.”

“Shut up.”

“I hope he’s worth it.”

“Well, that was no help.” She changes the subject. “So, how are you doing anyway?”

“Okay. And sick of being asked that.”

“I won’t then.”

“But I have nothing else to talk about either.” He sighs loudly into the phone. “It’s all about physio, bed rest, and TV at the moment. I’ve got nothing. When are you coming back from the cottage?

“In a few days, before Mum and Dad come up.”

He laughs. “Of course. Well, come over and bring me some Ping’s when you come back. I’m at Elana’s for the rest of the week.”

“Really?” Claire rolls her eyes. Why does he keep going back for more?

“Yeah, she loves me again. Seems she likes to play nurse. Anyway, when you get back, I want greasy Chinese food like only you know how to find. Elana keeps feeding me steamed vegetables and rice.”

“Ugh, sure. I’ll bring it.” She smiles and picks at a piece of grass caught on her T-shirt. “Even if you do give shitty advice.”

“Well, you have shitty problems.”

“Thanks, Cam. No really. See you.” She hangs up on him, tosses the phone onto the bed and sighs. Confrontation? That’s his advice? She sighs loudly. Does she really have to?