A Soul of Ash and Blood (Blood And Ash Series Book 5)

After checking on Setti to make sure he had enough hay to nibble on, I crossed the campsite, my attention not straying far from where Poppy lay, having wrapped herself in a blanket. I moved quietly, not wanting to wake the four guards currently sleeping as I joined Kieran—they would be up soon enough to relieve the rest.

“What’re you looking at?” I asked, noting that he was staring ahead.

“The stream,” he answered, voice low. “The water is red.”

I squinted, catching sight of what he spoke of several yards out in the moonlight. “When Airrick said this place isn’t natural, he wasn’t wrong.”

“No shit,” Kieran remarked as he folded his arms.

I scanned the shadows, my gaze settling on Poppy. She was awake, her eyes popping open every time a twig snapped, or the wind shook a branch. Even from where I was, I saw that she shivered. It was damn near frigid. But when she did fall asleep, would it be peaceful? Or would nightmares find her? Seemed likely in a place like this.

I looked at Kieran again. “The Craven you picked up on earlier today? How far do you think they were?”

“Far enough.” He paused. “For now.”

I knew what he was saying. We wouldn’t be able to rest here for too long. Sooner rather than later, the Craven would realize that fresh blood and flesh were moving about their domain.

“Been talking with Phillips a bit,” he said.

“I’ve noticed.”

“He asks a lot of questions and is observant as fuck. He’s suspicious.”

“Of us?” I found Phillips in the distance, guarding the western side of our camp.

“So far, just in general,” Kieran answered.

“So far is a common theme, I see.” I checked Poppy. Her eyes were closed. She was still shivering.

“You surprised me earlier,” Kieran remarked.

“Yeah?” I turned my attention back to him.

Kieran was looking in Poppy’s direction now. “You laughed.” He squinted. “You laughed in a way I haven’t heard you do in years.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, and we stood there in silence for several moments.

“She’s cold,” I finally stated.

“She appears to be a moment away from shaking herself across the forest floor,” he observed dryly.

“She’s not used to this.” My eyes narrowed on Poppy. “And she’s not us.”

“I was just pointing out that she’s cold.” Amusement filled his tone. “No need to get defensive.”

“I wasn’t—” I cut myself off. I was being defensive. Of her. My shoulders tightened.

“You should see if you can warm her up,” he said, and I arched a brow. “Before any of the others get the idea to do so.”

My spine stiffened. “That will not happen.”

“I wouldn’t count on it.”

I ignored that as I watched her. “She has bad dreams sometimes,” I said, lowering my voice even more as I faced Kieran. “Night terrors.”

Kieran, who’d witnessed mine hit more than either of us cared to admit, glanced back at her. “The scars?”

I nodded.

“Well, now you have even more reason to join her.”

“Shut up.” I turned back to Poppy. Her eyes were open again, and she was shivering even harder now.

I left Kieran’s side, his quiet laugh following me across the small clearing. Stopping, I knelt in front of Poppy, who now had her eyes closed, but I knew she was awake. I looked at her, grinning at how she’d wrapped herself in some sort of cocoon, leaving only her head visible.

“You’re cold.”

“I’m fine,” she muttered, teeth chattering. The tip of her nose was red, but her cheeks were pale.

My smile faded as I tugged off a glove, shoving it into the pocket of my cloak. I touched her cheek, drawing open her eyes. Shit. “Correction. You’re freezing.”

“I’ll warm up. Eventually.”

I appreciated the front she was putting on and her unwillingness to complain, but this could turn dangerous. “You’re not used to this kind of cold, Poppy.”

Her red-tipped nose scrunched. “And you are?”

“You have no idea what I’m used to.” I’d been in far colder and more…unpleasant situations than this, but I wasn’t mortal.

Poppy was.

I rose, going to where my bag sat a few feet from her head. I unhooked what I needed. Stepping over Poppy, I laid it out behind her. She watched me as I spread out the bedroll, then lowered myself next to the heavy fur blanket.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Making sure you don’t freeze to death.” I draped the pelt over my legs. I wasn’t that cold moving around, but lying still like this on the ground? My body would cool off. “If you did, that would make me a very bad guard.”

“I’m not going to freeze to death.”

“What you’re going to do is lure every Craven within a five-mile radius with your shuddering.” I stretched out next to her, briefly reminded of those few hours I’d fallen asleep beside her after the night of the Rite. She’d basically been unconscious then, and I hadn’t noticed how the entire length of my body so easily curved around hers.

“You can’t sleep beside me,” she stated.

“I’m not.” I rolled onto my side. Facing her, I took my blanket and draped it and my arm over her, but kept my hand hanging in the air.

Poppy blinked. “What do you call this, then?”

“I’m sleeping with you.”

Her eyes, only a few inches from mine, went wide. “How is that any different?”

“There’s a huge difference.”

She turned her head to the branches above us. “You can’t sleep with me, Hawke.”

“And I can’t have you freezing or getting sick. It’s too dangerous to light a fire, and unless you’d rather I get someone else to sleep with you,” I said, and other than Kieran, that was so not going to fucking happen, “there really aren’t many other options.”

“I don’t want anyone else to sleep with me,” she argued.

“I already knew that,” I teased.

“I don’t want anyone to sleep with me,” she corrected, head whipping toward mine again.

I met her gaze and held it. “I know you have nightmares, Poppy, and I know they can be intense. Vikter warned me about them.”

“He did?” Her voice was thick, hoarse.

“He did.”

Her eyes closed, and damn, I wished I could ease the pain I saw skittering across her pale, tight features.

But I knew I couldn’t.

“I want to be close enough to intervene in case you have a nightmare,” I continued, which was true. So was the fact that I was worried it may be too cold for her. “If you scream…”

Poppy exhaled slowly.

“So, please, relax and try to rest. We have a hard day ahead of us tomorrow if we have any hope of not being forced to spend two nights in the Blood Forest.”

She was quiet as she eyed me. So, I stayed that way, too. She didn’t know I’d fallen asleep beside her before. Having someone of the opposite sex sleeping beside her wasn’t something she’d experienced.

But she kept staring at me.

My lips twitched. “Go to sleep, Poppy.”

The exhale she let out was impressive, as was how she dropped her cheek back to the sack she used as a pillow. I sort of wondered if she’d hurt herself.

Silence fell between us, but I knew she didn’t sleep. Her shivering and the constant little movements gave her away. It was like being with her on Setti once more.

“This is wildly inappropriate,” she muttered.

I chuckled, always amused by what she found inappropriate compared to what she willingly engaged in. “More inappropriate than you masquerading as a wholly different kind of maid at the Red Pearl?”

She went silent.

“Or more inappropriate than the night of the Rite, when you let me—”

“Shut up,” she hissed.

“I’m not done yet.” I inched closer to her. “What about sneaking off to fight the Craven on the Rise? Or that diary—?”

“I get your point, Hawke. Can you stop talking now?”

I grinned at the back of her head. “You’re the one who started this.”

“Actually, no, I did not.”

“What?” I laughed. “You said, and I quote, ‘This is wildly, grossly, irrefutably…’”

“Did you just learn what an adverb is today?” she asked. “Because that is not what I said.”

“Sorry.” I wasn’t sorry. “I didn’t realize we were back to pretending we hadn’t done all those other inappropriate things. Not that I’m surprised. After all, you’re a pure, untainted, and untouched Maiden. The Chosen. Who’s saving herself for a Royal husband,” I went on. “Who, by the way, will not be pure, untainted, or untouched—”

Poppy attempted to hit me but only managed to uncover half of herself.

I laughed.

“I hate you.” She tugged the blanket back to her chin.

“See, that’s the problem. You don’t hate me.”

Poppy couldn’t deny that.

“You know what I think?” I said.

“No. And I don’t want to know.”

Of course, that was a lie. “You like me.”

Again, Poppy couldn’t deny that.

“Enough to be wildly inappropriate with me,” I pointed out. “On multiple occasions.”

“Good gods, I’d rather freeze to death at this point.”

I grinned at her snippiness. “Oh, right. We’re pretending none of that happened. I keep forgetting.”

“Just because I don’t bring it up every five minutes doesn’t mean I’m pretending it didn’t happen.”

“But bringing it up every five minutes is so much fun.”

Poppy jerked up the edge of her blanket, but I caught the small grin before her mouth disappeared beneath it.

“I’m not pretending none of that stuff happened,” she said after a few moments. “It’s just that…”

“That it shouldn’t have happened?” I asked, no longer teasing. What did she think about what had happened under the willow? I didn’t need to know, but I wanted to know.

“It’s just that I’m not supposed to…do any of that,” she said finally. “You know that. I am the Maiden.”

But that wasn’t who she was. “And how do you really feel about that, Poppy?”

She was quiet for so long, I didn’t think she’d answer. “I don’t want it. I don’t want to be given to the gods.” The moment she spoke, the rest came out in a rush that sounded almost painful. “And then, after that, if there is an after part, I don’t want to be married off to someone I’ve never met, who will probably…”

“Probably what?” I asked softly.

“Who will probably be…” Poppy sighed. “You know how Royals are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and flaws, well, they are unacceptable. If I end up as an Ascended, I’m sure whoever the Queen pairs me with will be the same.”

I had to take a deep breath because I feared I may start cursing. Loudly. I hated the Ascended for a lot of reasons, but this? How they’d made Poppy feel as if she were flawed? Someone to be ashamed of? This had moved to the top of the reasons to hate them.

“Duke Teerman was a cunt,” I bit out. “And I’m glad he’s dead.”

Her laugh was forceful but quick. “Oh, gods, that was loud.”

I smiled, uncaring if her laugh drew a horde of Craven. “It’s okay.”

“He was definitely that, but it’s…even if I didn’t have these scars, I wouldn’t be excited. I don’t understand how Ian did it. He barely even knew his wife, and I…I don’t think he’s happy,” she said, and it was clear that bothered her. “He never speaks about her, and that’s sad, because our parents loved each other. He should have that.”

And why shouldn’t she have that? “I heard that your mother refused to Ascend.”

“It’s true. My father was a firstborn son. He was wealthy, but he wasn’t Chosen,” she told me. “Mom was a Lady in Wait when they met. It was accidental. His father—my grandfather—was close to King Jalara. My father went to the castle with him once, and that’s when he saw my mother. Supposedly, it was love at first sight.” She wiggled a little inside her cocoon. “I know that sounds silly, but I believe it. It happens—at least for some.”

“It’s not silly. It does exist.” I lifted my gaze to the branches and the dark leaves, chest hollowing. What would happen to her once she was returned to the Blood Queen? Would they give her my brother’s blood and turn her into a cold, soulless monster? Would they marry her off to some bastard like the Duke? My chest tightened. I couldn’t—

I couldn’t what? Let that happen? I almost laughed. Once the deal was made, Poppy would become the Maiden once more. She would become that again long before that moment.

I shook my head. “Is that why you were at the Red Pearl? Looking for love?”

“I don’t think someone goes looking for love there,” she said dryly.

“You never know what you’ll find there.” I sure as hell hadn’t. “What did you find, Poppy?”

“Life.”

“Life?”

Her head nodded. “I just want to experience things before my Ascension. There’s so much I haven’t experienced. You know that. I didn’t go there looking for anything in particular. I just wanted to experience—”

“Life,” I finished. “I get it.”

“Do you? Really?”

There was so much hope in her words that I knew I’d been right to talk with Kieran about an exit strategy for her. “I do. Everyone around you can do basically whatever they want, but you’re shackled by archaic rules.”

“Are you saying that the word of the gods is archaic?”

“You said it, not me.”

“I’ve never understood why it is the way it is,” she admitted, so quietly it was barely above a whisper. “All because of the way I was born.”

“The gods chose you before you were even born.” My chest brushed her back. “All because you were ‘born in the shroud of the gods, protected even inside the womb, veiled from birth.’”

“Yes. Sometimes, I wish…I wish I was…”

“What?” I waited.

And waited.

“Never mind,” she said eventually. “And I don’t sleep well. That’s another reason why I was at the Pearl.”

“Nightmares?”

“Sometimes. Other times, my head doesn’t…go quiet. It replays things over and over.”

I knew that all too well. “What is your mind so loud about?”

There was another wiggle from inside her cocoon. “Lately, it’s been the Ascension.”

“I imagine you’re excited to meet the gods.” I rolled my eyes.

She let out that cute little snort. “Far from it. It actually terrifies—” She stopped herself with a sudden inhale.

“It’s okay,” I told her, relieved that she felt that way. “I don’t know much about the Ascension and the gods, but I’d be terrified to meet them.”

“You?” Disbelief flooded her voice. “Terrified?”

“Believe it or not, some things do scare me. The secrecy around the actual ritual of the Ascension is one of them.” And that was true because I knew exactly how they Ascended others. What they were doing to my brother to make it happen. “You were right that day when you were with the Priestess,” I continued, choosing my words carefully. “It is so similar to what the Craven do, but what is done to stop aging—stop sickness for what has to be an eternity in the eyes of a mortal?”

“It’s the gods—their Blessing. They make themselves seen during the Ascension. To even look upon them changes you,” she shared, but her words were odd, hollow.

“They must be a sight to behold,” I replied dryly. “I’m surprised.”

“About?”

“You. You’re just not what I expected.”

She surprised me each time we talked. Either it was curiosity and her questions, her thirst for knowledge and understanding. Or simply what she thought. Believed. Her hopes. Fears. All of it. But what really surprised me was that curiosity. How did she never see more than what the Ascended presented themselves as? How had she not recognized the inconsistencies? Seen through the lies?

But that wasn’t fair.

Recognizing and seeing those things would’ve collapsed her entire world. And it took more than bravery and strength to do that.

It took having nothing to lose.

Not even yourself.

“I should be asleep,” she said, drawing me from my thoughts. “So should you.”

“The sun will be up sooner than we realize, but you’re not going to sleep anytime soon. You’re as tense as a bowstring.”

“Well, sleeping on the hard, cold ground of the Blood Forest, waiting for a Craven to attempt to rip my throat out, or a barrat to eat my face isn’t exactly soothing.”

I bit back a laugh. “A Craven will not get to you. Neither will a barrat.”

“I know. I have my dagger under my bag.”

“Of course, you do.” I smiled. She was genuinely afraid of the barrats, but if they came, I had a feeling she’d be the first to kill one.

In the moments of quiet that followed, what she had shared with me cycled over and over. And as I lay there, I thought about why she had gone to the Red Pearl. To live. To experience.

To experience something other than the feelings of suffocation and pain. She had gone to find pleasure.

A truly inappropriate idea came to me as I drew my teeth over my bottom lip, and that impulsive, wholly indecent side of me that reared its head when around Poppy seized control. I could give her what she’d sought that night at the Red Pearl and help her sleep.

Which she still wasn’t doing, based on the wiggling.

I grinned. “I bet I can get you relaxed enough that you sleep like you’re on a cloud, basking in the sun.”

She gave me another little snort.

“You doubt me?”

“There is nothing anyone or anything in this world could do that would make that happen.”

“There is so much you don’t know,” I said to her.

“That may be true, but that is one thing I do know.”

“You’re wrong. And I can prove it.”

“Whatever.” She sighed.

“I can, and when I’m done, right before you drift off to sleep with a smile on your face, you’re going to tell me I’m right.”

“Doubtful.”

I pressed my hand flat to her stomach.

Her head jerked around. “What are you doing?”

“Relaxing you.” I lowered my head close to hers.

“How is this relaxing me?”

“Wait,” I told her. “And I’ll show you.”

Poppy’s questions ceased as I worked my hand through what seemed like insurmountable layers of material bundled around her, finally finding the thin undershirt beneath her sweater. Listening to her breathing, I went slow, trailing my fingers in small circles while I glided my thumb back and forth, brushing against the sweet swells of the undersides of her breasts until I felt some of the stiffness leave her body, even though she was still looking at me—or at least trying to. Then I moved my fingers in larger circles, sweeping them just below her navel.

Her breathing quickened. “I don’t think this is making me relaxed.”

“It would if you’d stop trying to strain your neck.” I dipped, letting my lips brush her cheek as I said, “Lay back down, Poppy.”

She did as I requested. I was shocked.

“When you listen to me, I think the stars will fall,” I admitted quietly. “I wish I could capture this moment somehow.”

“Well, now I want to lift my head again.”

My lips curved up. “Why am I not surprised?” I inched my fingers lower, below her navel. “But if you did, then you wouldn’t find out what I have planned. And if I know anything about you, it’s that you’re curious.”

She shivered against me, and it was nothing like she had done before from the cold. “I…I don’t think this should happen.”

“What is this?” The tips of my fingers coasted over the band of her breeches. “I have a better question for you. Why did you go to the Red Pearl, Poppy? Why did you let me kiss you under the willow?” My lips brushed against her cheek once more. “You were there to live. Isn’t that what you said? You let me pull you into that empty chamber to experience life. You let me kiss you under the willow because you wanted to feel. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. Why can’t tonight be that?”

Poppy was silent.

My heart started thumping. She was only quiet when she wanted something. “Let me show you just a little of what you missed by not coming back to the Red Pearl.”

“The guards,” she whispered.

It didn’t pass me by that her concern had nothing to do with the rules imposed on her and the consequences she had been forced to believe in.

That brought a smile to my face as I shifted slightly behind her, sliding my hand between her thighs. “No one can see what I’m doing.”

Poppy gasped as I cupped her through her breeches, growing hard at that soft, breathy sound.

“But we know they’re there. They have no idea what’s going on. No clue that my hand is between the thighs of the Maiden.” I tugged her back so my hips cradled her ass. I groaned at the feel of her, reminding myself this wasn’t about me. This was about her. Her pleasure. A faint tremor ran through me. “They have no idea that I’m touching you.”

I could only see her profile. Her eyes were open as I touched her through the pants, stroking two fingers along the seam of the crotch. Her sweet scent rose all around me. I imagined I could taste her on my lips as I followed that perfectly placed stitching, featherlight at first and then a little harder with each pass. Her breath snagged as I pressed down. Her hips twitched, and I briefly closed my eyes at the rush of hot, hard desire.

But my eyes snapped open a heartbeat later, not wanting to miss a second of this as I drew my hand up, causing her undershirt to bunch above my wrist. Her bare skin was warm against my arm.

Finding that spot that had made her hips move, my jaw clenched as I teased her clit through the pants. “I bet you’re soft and wet and ready,” I whispered into her ear. “Should I find out?”

Poppy shuddered, and fuck, I wanted nothing more than to get my hand beneath her pants. Feel her hot, warm flesh against my skin, and discover the damp heat I knew I would find.

“Would you like that?” I asked.

Poppy answered with a roll of her hips, pressing herself into my hand as she had a white-knuckled grip on the blanket.

A low sound of approval rumbled from me before I could stop it. My gaze lifted to where Kieran stood guard. There was a very good chance he’d heard that. And could sense what I was doing. What we were doing. If I had an ounce of decency in me, I would stop. Hell, I wouldn’t have even started this to begin with. Surely, there were other ways to help her sleep.

But I wasn’t decent.

“I would do more than this,” I promised, my head filling with all sorts of things I wanted to do, starting with discovering just how sweet she tasted.

Her lips had parted, and her eyes closed halfway as she continued responding to how my fingers stroked. The movements of her hips were these little subconscious jerks, each one ratcheting up the pleasure until the roll of her hips was purposeful.

And, good gods, the way she rocked against my hand turned my blood to liquid fire. “You feel what I’m doing, Poppy?”

She nodded.

“Imagine what my fingers would feel like with nothing between them and your skin.” I shuddered. Or she did. Perhaps we both did at the same time. “I would do this.” I pressed harder, and her legs curled. “I would get inside of you, Poppy. I would taste you.” My mouth watered with want of doing so. “I bet you’re as sweet as honeydew.”

She bit down on her lip as she let go of the blanket. I about held my fucking breath as her hand moved beneath the blanket, and I felt her fingers on my forearm. I waited to see if she would pull my hand away or not.

Poppy’s fingers pressed into the upper part of my hand as she lifted her hips.

That’s my girl, I thought as I returned to stroking her. “You would like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

Fuck.

Sharp lust pounded through me. I almost lost it right there. “I would work in another finger. You’d be tight, but you’re also ready for more.”

Her breathing was a series of quick pants as she held my hand down, feeling what I was doing with my fingers. Her hips followed my lead.

“I would thrust my fingers in and out,” I said against the curve of her ear. “You’d ride them just like you’re riding my hand right now.”

Poppy shuddered, clutching my arm as she did just that: rode my hand.

“But we won’t do that tonight. We can’t,” I reminded myself more than her. “Because if I get any part of me in you, every part of me would be in you, and I want to hear every sound you make when that happens.”

I rolled my thumb over her clit. A moan escaped her, and that sound…good gods, I could live on it, drink and feed on that moan. But when her thighs clamped down on my hand? Fuck.

Working my other arm under her, I folded it over her upper chest, holding her tightly to me as her hips began moving against my hand in a frenetic way. I knew she was close. Her entire body trembled. Her breaths were shallow and quick. The grip on my arm increased. Those low moans danced in the dark air, driving me to near insanity. I could feel her release roaring up on her as I pressed my mouth to the space behind her ear. My lips peeled back from the brutal need pounding through me. I kissed her there. Licked her skin. My jaw throbbed. My head tilted. I felt my fangs graze her flesh. Poppy’s body went taut. So did mine.

I closed my hand over her mouth, smothering her cries as she came. It took sheer effort to rein in my body. I tried focusing on my fucking breathing as I clamped my jaw shut while she trembled and writhed against me.

Kissing her throat, I shuddered as I fought back my need. As I tried to understand the warmth in my chest. The sudden feeling of being full. Of being complete without reaching completion.

Poppy’s shaking eased, and her grip on my hand did also. I drew it from between her thighs and brought it to her stomach. I held her, my heart pounding damn near as fast as hers. And I kept holding her, even as her body went limp against mine, sated and relaxed while I remained rock-fucking-hard. I held her in the silence as the night continued around us.

Drawing in a deep breath, I lifted my head just enough to see Poppy’s face. Her eyes were closed, the lashes forming little crescent moons against her cheeks, and I thought that was the silliest fucking thing I could’ve thought, but godsdamn, she was absolutely breathtaking in the afterglow of pleasure.

“I know you’re not going to admit it,” I said, my voice thick with unspent desire. “But you and I will both always know that I was right.”

A tired smile appeared on Poppy’s lips, and mine responded in kind as I settled behind her, keeping my arms wrapped around her. My cock fucking ached, and it would be sometime before that eased up, but damn, that minor discomfort was more than worth it.

Because my release would never compare to the knowledge that I had been the first person she’d ever experienced pleasure with. A primitive sort of satisfaction seized me. One I should be damn ashamed of but wasn’t. I couldn’t be. Not when I’d helped her find pleasure.

Experience it.

Live it.