A Kiss For Your Freedom

A smile forms on my lips. I know exactly how long it's been, but this time, when she’s already drawing me towards the counter, it doesn't hurt so much to think about it. The waiter comes over quickly. She's obviously a regular, because he sa to her,

- So, sweetie, the day's over?

- Yeah, I'm here with my last customer of the day and, more importantly, my best friend. She needs to take her mind off things, especially after the t~***e I've just put her through.

~The usual, then?

- In double handsome.

- Here we go,” he says, answering my best friend's smile.

I can see him mixing the liquids in a shaker before shaking it and serving us two shots of a strange bluish color.

- Don't ask,” says my best friend as the waiter brings the glasses towards us. I swear you won't die from it, otherwise I'd have been over it a long time ago,” she says, taking her glass in her hand. Come on, Emma, cheers.

I've promised her a glass and I have to say, I'm looking forward to the drink too. We toast as I raise it to my lips. With a glance, I see Melissa gulp it down and I do the same. After all, as long as it's just the two of us, I'm safe. Immediately, the alcohol burns on my tongue until it invades my throat. It's strong, much stronger than I thought it would be, and yet this gentle shiver that runs across my skin isn't so unpleasant.

The clink of the glass against the counter makes us both smile. Synchro as always, even if we haven't done this kind of training in a while.

- So you're not dead,” she says with a wink.

~ Not yet indeed.

- A second one?

1 forbid you to tattoo anything on me under the influence of alcohol, whether it's your idea or mine. Do we have a deal? - Perfectly.

~ Then I'll have another.

Finally, I drink four or five. I rediscover the sensation of feeling men looking at me, wanting me, even if it makes me slight uncomfortable. What I can read in their eyes and what has lost me for all that, I find myself smiling, entering into the gan of seduction from afar.

It's a pleasant evening, and I'm beginning to forget the pain in my back - indeed, I'm beginning to forget all pain. The mu: takes us along, and as she sees me moving slowly, she ends up taking my hand and dancing with me. We've got a bit too much aim, this probably isn't the place for it, but who cares? It doesn’t matter. We move around laughing, thinking of nothing else. It's as if the whole damn year just disappeared with the snap of a finger.

She's right. I've got to leave him. 1 still have a choice, before it's too late.

Nobody's telling us anything. At the same time, who'd complain about two chicks dancing in a bar. I can feel the stares or us, but it just goes right over my head. I want to enjoy it. Clear my head. To simply stop thinking. Our bursts of laughter g lost in the music and the noise of the clientele. But it works for us, for both of us. She's the best I've had in years, the onl one who really understands me without me having to talk to her.

It's past one o'clock in the morning when she calls me a cab. I hold her close, the door is already open, 'm ready to get ir and yet, as I leave her, the words slip past my lips,

~ Thanks for everything and you can count on me for the festival. I go inside and leave him. You're right. You've always be right. I believed so much that I could turn the page that I forgot that, in the end, I still have the right to live. Thank you fo reminding me, for making me feel alive for the first time in a long time.

- 1 promise you, now that you've told me, there's no escaping it. I'l call you in a few hours and you'd better have him out your house or I'll be coming for Emma. I mean it. I won't let you go under. You asked me to help you with this tattoo and both know you're doing it to start a new life and put whatever's hurting you behind you. I agreed, so believe me, I won't I you down. We're going to get a hell of a kick out of these four days, and I swear I'm not talking in the literary sense," she declares with a big smile.

~ I'l talk to you in a few hours, Melissa. Good night,” I say, placing a kiss on her cheek.

The driver already has the address, and as I close the door, I wave to him. The car moves off and, almost automatically, I pick up my mobile and discover that he’s tried to call me several times. Many times, in fact. I've really made a mess of things. He doesn't deserve what's going to happen to him, but I don't think I could ever love him. Ever.

Strangely enough, this trip has put me back on my feet. I know I can't go back. I can't use him and I don't want to suffer anymore. I want to move on, and to do that, I have to break his heart the way someone broke mine.

When I enter my apartment, I find him on the armchair, awake, scanning his mobile, probably waiting for a reply from me. - I'm here," I say, stepping towards him.

- I know,” he murmurs.

He's been worried, I can see it. Yet, in a split second, his smile returns, knowing I'm here is enough for him. Only, it's not enough for me anymore.

- I'm sorry,” 1 say, settling down beside him. I thought this was what I wanted. I really did, but I didn't make the right choi and because of me, you're going to suffer.

- Don't do this,” he says, staring into my eyes. Please don't do this.

~1 blame myself. You can't imagine how much. I've done everything wrong. I don't even have an excuse, I saw in you my chance, the possibility of being saved without realizing that it was up to me to do it on my own.

- Wait, you've been drinking and maybe...

- Maybe what? It's because I've had a bit to drink that I can tell you. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, you're perfect, you've got everything a woman could want but.

- But this isn't what you want? Is it? You've always gone out of your way to put a barrier between us, as if you didn’t want be approached. But I swear I can love you any way you want, Emma.

- The very fact that you say that proves that it's impossible. You know me, it's true, better than a lot of people. I'l give yo that. But that's not enough. I hate myself for doing this to you. I'm so sorry. You saved me and I have to abandon you to keep going. But I want you to know that all this time, I've been with you and only you.

- You know that's not true. He's always been there. Like a shadow above us, as if you were dragging him along like a ghos clinging to you. I don't know what's happened to you, but I know I want to do everything I can to make you forget it.

- And yet, despite a year, you haven't succeeded. I'm sorry. You have every right to be angry with me, to hate me. But I wa you to go. I want you out of my life," I say breathlessly.

- Are you sure about this? Are you sure about this? You don't remember what summer you were in when I met you. I took care of you. I did everything to see you smile again and now, overnight, you decide to leave me.

~1 know I have. It's not right. There's nothing right about it, and yet that's exactly what it is. I wish you could understand how much I blame myself for this. But you probably won't until later, when you've found what you're looking for.

I see that spark in his eyes, the spark of anger. I'm ready for it. I'll never let it happen again. Never again. And suddenly, nothing, as if he'd given up, as if he'd given up before he'd even tried to fight.

- Please send me my things," he said, leaving the room.

Of course I will. The front door closes on him, on this story that has been nothing but an illusion. I look up at the ceiling, contemplating the light soaking into my retina. The silence of my apartment does me good, it's pleasant. Really nice. So much so that I let myself go and end up falling asleep without my living room.

My mobile rings, far too loudly for my taste, echoing around the room like a cry for help. I open my eyes with difficulty an manage to pick it up before picking up.

- Hello,” 1 say in a pitiful voice.

- I'll wake you up," says Melissa in a slightly too cheerful tone.

- Bull's-eye.

~ Tell me you did it and it's still on for this weekend?

~1 did and it's still on for this weekend.

- Great,” she shouts as I pull my cell phone away from my ear. So I'l pick you up Thursday night, book us a room and if yo need anything, you know where to find me when 1 finish work.

I'l wait a few days before doing this again, Melissa, but I'll be ready Thursday night, I promise.

- Above all, don't think, act,” she says. Take my advice and you'll see, it'll all work out.

Easier said than done. And yet, last night, I finally felt good. Not thinking anymore, letting go, it may have lost me once, b that doesn't mean it's all over. I liked feeling wanted, I liked laughing, I liked getting closer to strangers just to learn more to discover them. I simply felt alive again.

I'm not going to think, I'm not going to think, I'm going to move on and forget for good what happened.

The following Thursday

Mélissa arrives home like a flower. Clearly, her week had been much more pleasant than mine. After she left, 1 was treatec to calls, text messages, emails and private messaging. This modern world is hell when you're trying to get away from someone for good.

- You promised I'd call you back,” she says, seeing my face.

~ Thanks for the compliment, I'm sorry if it's been a bit of a rough week. But I'm ready. Clear my head for four days. I've p in for a leave of absence, so this had better be worth it.

- You can believe me,” she says with a smile. It's more than worth it.