Un2talented (Book 3 of the Un2 Series)

The elevator doors opened and emptied its human cargo into the darkened corridor. Gary bounded ahead to the familiar intersection of hallways, turned, and waited for the rest to follow.

“Whoa! Check this out!”

Leslie swooned as he approached an alcove containing a long-sleeved chainmail shirt combined with an articulated leather bracer that covered the right arm and shoulder. It was fashioned to look like a dragon whose head and teeth would encase the wearer’s hand. A pair of boots that were meticulously tooled to match the bracer sat directly below.

“DeLeon has a thing for armor,” Lanky said as he joined Leslie. “That one’s Roman, I think.”

“Italians have always been known for their fashion sense, “Leslie chuckled.

“Hey, Conan, I bet you’d like this one!”

Shorty signaled for Leslie to follow him farther up the hallway.

“Gå ta banen!” Leslie blurted in his ancestral tongue.

Before them stood a behemoth mannequin cloaked in polar bear and steel. The massive pelt acted as both a helmet and cape. The head had its mouth agape, surrounding the wearer’s face with a ring of teeth. The forepaws draped forward across the chest and bordered either side of a silver breastplate covered with so many dings and scars that the ornamentation was no longer discernible. The boots below were quite possibly fashioned from the rear paws of the beast above, claws still intact. A pair of battle-scarred forearm bracers large enough to wrap an average man’s thigh was displayed on a pedestal in front of the ensemble. As impressive as the cloak and boots were the weapon that was displayed before them was a sight to behold.

A double-headed, winged battle ax sat upon its head propped against the pedestal holding the bracers. The blades were tapered in an arc that curved back towards the handle. The head was etched with opposing profiles of roaring polar bears surrounded by a pattern of fangs and claws. The full ax head rose as high as Leslie’s knees. The handle was as big around as a tree branch and reached as high as his shoulders. A leather insert ran down the center of the handle and pointed toward its head.

“See that?” Shorty said, pointing to the handle’s embellishment. “That comes out. There’s a sword inside of it. DeLeon says the guy was so big that he used it as a toothpick!” Shorty laughed.

Gary barked impatiently.

“We’re coming!” Leslie relented looking at the armor over his shoulder as he and Shorty merged with the group. Gary ran ahead to the Shakespeare bust and pawed its forehead exposing the button within its neck.

“May I?” Dorian asked.

Lanky frowned.

“Let the kid do it!” Shorty chided.

“Well, since you’re a guest,” Lanky nodded.

Dorian pushed the button with an exaggerated sweep of the arm. The door opened with a whoosh. Lanky ushered the group into the room as if he were a tour guide.

“To the left is what we refer to as “the index”, which is kind of ironic since the drawers are filled with “pinkies”. The drawers are arranged by categories like “sports”, “music”, ”art” and stuff like that.”

Leslie held up his bandaged hand.

“Buff Bodies,” Shorty pointed to the right. “Yours is labeled ‘Nordic Bodybuilder’. Again, sorry about that.”

“And back near Leslie’s finger,” Lanky continued, “is the ‘Hive’, which is not a hive because it isn’t filled with bees, but it’s filled with bugs so ‘Hive’ is close enough.”

The group gathered in front of the glass enclosure. The shiny red beetles scurried about their business unaware of their audience.

“DeLeon would snap off one of those dangling pods and put it in a cup of water with the finger of his choice, and then stir it with one of those.”

Lanky pointed to an archer’s quiver filled with curved crimson feathers that hung on the wall near the hive enclosure.

“The brew would get all steamy and then he would chug that nasty goo down!” He grimaced at the thought.

A thought lit up Lenny’s face. “Hold on a second.”

Lenny scanned the drawer fronts and nodded. He opened a drawer labeled “Novelties” and perused its contents. He pulled a container that sat alongside a tin marked “Mike’s Chili Recipe” from the drawer and removed its lid.

“Touch this,” he said holding the tin out to Dorian.

Dorian looked at the withered digit and winced as he slowly approached it with his index finger.

“YODEL-DEEDLE-DODEL-DEEDLE-DOO!!!” spewed from Dorian’s mouth as he made contact.

Everyone laughed.

“Do another one!” Shorty chuckled.

“Okay,” Dorian agreed,” but I get to pick.”

He glanced over the labels and opened the drawer marked “Dance”.

“I was hoping for something like this!” he exclaimed. He held forth a sequinned box with “Moonwalk” emblazoned across the top. He walked over to the group and popped it open.

“What? That’s not a finger! That’s a…”

“NOSE!” Lanky blurted.

“Why?” Dorian whined.

“He didn’t want to lose a finger but was getting rid of that!”

“No skin off my nose…no wait…ALL THE SKIN OFF MY NOSE!” Shorty chortled.

Dorian shrugged, placed his finger on the proboscis, and slid effortlessly backward towards, stopped and spun on the tips of his toes, grabbed his crotch with a “Wee-Hee-Hee!”

The group applauded.

“I wonder,” Lenny thought aloud. He took the sample from Dorian and handed it to Lanky and then positioned Dorian between the two of them.

“Touch both of them.”

Dorian raised both arms and then touched the samples simultaneously.

“Mamasay-mamasah-mamaCOO-DA-LA-DEE-HOO!” Dorian grabbed his crotch again.

“That happens automatically, by the way. Not my choice,” Dorian said glancing down.

“Just as I had hoped,” Lenny confirmed. “You can harness multiple abilities. I think we can put that to good use.”

“What are you talking about?” Leslie asked.

“I’m fairly positive that I can reopen the doorway, but I wasn’t sure if the trammel would have the power to let more than one of us pass through.”

“That would be me! She’s my best friend; we’re like brother and sister.” Dorian insisted.

Leslie stepped forward. “It would be me, I mean; I’m so much bigger and stronger. It would have to be me. Sorry, buddy.”

“Gentlemen, It would have been me,” Lenny corrected. “I would have been the most logical choice because I know more about what may be waiting on the other side. But, all of that is now moot. We have someone that can be all of us.” Lenny nodded at Dorian.

“Yes!” Dorian whooped whilst pulling a fist pump.

“We’ll just have to decide on what attributes are needed by someone who is entering the gates of hell on a possible suicide mission to rescue a one-handed girl that was inadvertently given as a sacrifice,” Shorty said flippantly.

Lanky smacked him behind the head.

“What? Am I wrong?” he shrugged.