Un2talented (Book 3 of the Un2 Series)

A swirling mass of liquid obsidian rose within the well. It continued to rotate as it extended beyond the stone blocks that lined the well’s perimeter. The pillar continued upward, looking as if the black waters churned within a heavy glass cylinder. The swirling slowed to a stop as the column reached the underside of the gazebo’s dome. Rivulets of water trickled down the face of the highly polished marbled mass. Reflections of the glowing stalagmites that dotted the cavern floor danced within the tiny streams. The rivulets began to move with a purpose, taking paths that defied gravity, defining a crisp rectangle the size of a doorway upon its face. A triangle pushed up through the surface near the top of the doorway. It lit up with white light accompanied by the mellow “bing” of an elevator’s chime. The rectangle receded and slid to the side revealing a warm glow illuminating a hardwood floor.

“Cadence, Cadence Pedant?”

A sharp-dressed, clean-shaven man stepped into the doorway. He was the epitome of late nineteen-fifties style, from the cut of his suit and his narrow tie to the slight sheen of the styling gel in his hair. He would have looked as if he walked straight out of a classic TV sitcom if it weren’t for the touchscreen tablet he was viewing and the three-headed cat on his shoulder. He looked up from the screen and examined his surroundings.

“My, we don’t see many of these old stations anymore, do we, Cate? I thought we would have decommissioned the last of these some time ago.”

He stepped forward and admired the architecture with a light caress.

Cate leaped from her perch and onto one of the stone columns. She spiraled down to the cavern floor and scampered over to the group on the edge of the dais.

“You must be Cadence…such a pretty name. I’m Charon, but please call me Charlie.” He walked to her and extended his hand as he tucked the tablet under his arm. “And who are these gentlemen?”

“Uh, Dorian, Gary, Leslie, Lenny and, um . . .” Cadence paused.

“Lanky and Shorty. Nothin’ cute. Names fit who you think they would,” Lanky inserted.

Charlie swiped and tapped his fingers across the surface of the tablet. He scrolled up and down the newly accessed data with a flick of the wrist.

“Very good. Now, Cadence, is this to be an insertion or an extraction?”

“Insertion,” Dorian sniggled. Cadence rolled her eyes and sighed.

“I don’t know what you mean by that,” Cadence responded.

“Do you plan on someone being placed in the fourteenth century or are you retrieving someone from the fourteenth century?”

Cadence looked to Lenny and the henchmen.

“We want to bring DeLeon back here to the present,” Shorty answered.

“An extraction, then.” Charlie checked off a box.” And then that would mean that Cadence is the proxy.”

“Wait! What?” Cadence interrupted.

“You tendered the offering. That makes you the proxy.”

“The proxy for what?”

“The proxy for DeLeon. To pull him out we must put someone in his place. It’s all in the portal’s user agreement. You did read the agreement, didn’t you?”

“I was meant to be the proxy,” Leslie interrupted. “Cadence didn’t know that I was to be the one to make the offering. I insist that you take me!”

“Nice try, Leslie, but you know that I was the chosen one!” Gary insisted.

“Guys, guys, guys, you know I’m the proxy. Don’t try to take this away from me. I won the right, fair and square!” Dorian joined in.

Charlie looked over at the remaining three occupants of the dais. “How about any of you? Any of you the proxy?”

Lenny raised his hand.

Lanky began to speak but then changed his mind. He looked at his cohort.

“Nope. It’s one of them,” Shorty replied, pointing at Cadence and the guys.

Charlie tapped his finger to his chin and his foot to the floor. He scanned the faces of all that claimed to be the proxy.

“Now, I can simply suggest that rules are rules and take Cadence as the proxy. She, after all, made the offering. But I am willing to consider taking a proxy for the proxy if one of you is better suited for the role.”

“How would you determine that?” Dorian asked.

“Oh, it won’t be up to me. That decision will be left up to Cate.”

All eyes turned to the diminutive three-headed feline. Charlie squatted down. Cate ran to him and scurried up to perch upon his shoulder.

“Triplicate, or Cate as I call her, plays a vital part in our organization. She sees, hears, and speaks only the truth. She is a much more sophisticated creature than that three-headed beast that guards the riverbed down below. Cate will let me know which one of you will play the part of the proxy.”

Cate leaped from Charlie’s shoulder to the top of Leslie’s head. She looked in his ears, pulled at his lips, and examined his teeth as if she were considering buying a horse. She looked deep into his eyes and then jumped over to Dorian and repeated the procedure. He twitched and giggled as she fussed with his ears and hair. She playfully honked his nose before moving on to Gary. The process happened again and again until Cate had examined all the prospective proxies. She returned to Charlie’s shoulder and began whispering in his ear, pointing at certain individuals when the comments pertained to them. Charlie nodded, chuckled, and occasionally raised an eyebrow as he entered the data on his tablet. He reviewed it with Cate, and she mewed approval.

“Thank you, Cate.”

Charlie turned to address the group.

“I appreciate your patience. We have reviewed your data and I must say you are a unique bunch.”

Charlie took a few steps toward Leslie’s end of the group.

“You, sir, are a fine specimen, but we don’t take your kind.”

“What do you mean, ‘my kind’? Are you telling me that you don’t have an LGBTQ community in the afterlife?” Leslie snipped, visibly perturbed.

“Oh, my, I’m sorry you took it that way! All persuasions of people exist in all the realms in the afterlife. Every form of heaven and hell has a wide variety of occupants.”

“Well then, what did you mean?” Leslie pressed.

“Demigods and hybrids are a no-go. The proxy must be an unaltered human.”

“But who . . .”

Charlie cut Leslie short with a wave of his hand. He continued to walk along the lineup. He stopped in front of Cadence.

“Out of all of you, this lovely lady is the most unsullied. As a matter of fact, she is the only virgin in the group. That alone makes her the best candidate.”

Cadence blushed.

“Hey! I’m a virgin!” Dorian blurted. “You can take me instead!”

Charlie chuckled. “Well, technically yes, you are a virgin, but your self-gratification points are through the roof. We’ve rarely seen such high numbers. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know.”

Gary snorted.

“What the hell?” Dorian glared.

“Sorry, but you have to admit that was pretty funny,” Gary apologized.

Charlie glanced at his watch. “It’s time to go. Dawn is approaching and we must go. Souls don’t reap themselves; you know.”

He grabbed Cadence by her arm, but she pulled away and took a step back.

“Don’t make this difficult, little lady.”

Charlie reached for her arm again and she took another step backward. A sudden rage raced through Charlie transforming his polished exterior into a gnarled, festering husk. He hunched forward and bellowed, “I SAID IT IS TIME TO GO!”

Charlie’s brutal transformation coincided with the break of a new day, propelling Gary into his canine form in one violent shudder. He tried to leap between Charlie and Cadence but couldn’t break free from the clothing that covered his once-human form. His head and front legs poked through the neck and armholes of his t-shirt and could move freely, but his hind legs were encased in the legs of his jeans making them virtually useless. He flopped about, barking and gnashing his teeth as he tried desperately to untangle himself from his clothes. Dorian jumped to assist him, but as soon as he contacted Gary he began to transform as well. The pair of canines became entwined in a pile of fabric, and Dorian, unable to break contact with Gary, made it impossible for him to revert to his natural state.

Charlie howled with laughter at the sight of the entangled pooches. His change in demeanor triggered a change in appearance. He reverted to his former self. He straightened his tie and smoothed back a misplaced strand of hair.

“That is quite the sight, isn’t it Cate?”

Cate purred in agreement.

“As I said, little lady, it’s time to go.”

He extended his hand to Cadence.

“I won’t!” She insisted.

“Why are you making this so difficult? I’m here to give you that which you requested. You must fulfill your end of the bargain!”

Charlie pulled a shiny black remote from his inside jacket pocket. He aimed it over his shoulder at the portal and clicked the button.

All the air within the cavern moved toward the center of the gazebo as if the portal took a deep breath. A cloud of dust rolled across the floor, followed by small bits of debris. As the air’s velocity increased, larger items began moving toward the open doorway. The urns pivoted within their gimbals. The books that sat upon the lectern took flight. Leslie and the still struggling hounds braced against the pillars and stone half-wall surrounding the gazebo. The occupants of the dais pulled themselves to the lectern and clung to it as a huddled mass.

Charlie peeled Cadence from the pile of bodies and flung her toward the door to the portal. She caught the edge of the doorway and braced herself in the opening long enough for Leslie to get a hold of her forearm. She, in turn, grabbed onto his wrist.

“Don’t let go!” She pleaded.

“I’ll never let go!” He promised.

Leslie braced his chest against the stone pillar, wrapping his open arm around it for additional support. Their linked arms pulled taught as Cadence lost her grip on the doorway. She flailed in the wind like a rag doll being hung out of the window of a speeding car. Charlie strolled toward the portal. Neither he nor Cate, who remained perched upon his shoulder, seemed to be affected in the least by the vortex. Cate leaped from Charlie’s shoulder to Leslie’s and mockingly walked the linked appendages as if she were walking a tightrope, pretending to lose balance and then righting herself. Charlie mimed his fake amazement. Cate returned to his shoulder as he brushed past Cadence. He gazed at Cadence and made a pouty face then turned, smiled, and waved goodbye to Leslie. With another click of the remote, the doorway slammed shut. The winds immediately stopped, and all became silent as the obsidian column liquefied and disappeared into the well. Leslie tumbled backward, slamming into the pyxis.