Torn (All Torn Up Book 1)

Kenzi ~ age seven

Toren ~ age twenty-two

I let go of her hand for one second to pay the guy in the ice cream truck, and when I turn around she’s gone. I stare around wildly, trying to find her in the crowded park. She was right next to me a second ago.

‘Kenzi!’

My heart pounds faster and my chest tightens when she doesn’t come to me. She’s nowhere. She’s gone.

I run to the other side of the truck, but she’s not there.

‘Kenzi!!’ The wind whips my hair into my face and when I shake it back, there she is, standing innocently right in front of me.

‘Where were you? You can’t do that, Kenzi. You have to stay by me.’

She takes the ice cream cone from me and gives it a lick. ‘I just went over there for a second. There was a man with a cat on a leash.’

‘I don’t care if it was a monkey driving a car. You don’t run away from me. Ever. Okay?’

She puts her hand on her hip and rolls her eyes. ‘Monkey’s can’t drive, Uncle Tor.’

The way she’s staring up at me, I swear she can see right into my soul and it rattles the hell out of me.

‘You look like you need to sit for a minute and handle your shit,’ she finally says matter-of-factly.

Fuck. She’s been hanging around all of us for way too long. She has the vocabulary of a twenty year old.

‘Don’t say ‘shit’, Kenzi. And I’m fine. You just scared me. I thought I lost you.’

‘You can’t ever lose me, Uncle Tor. You’re my favorite person in the whole world.’

I’ve never been anyone’s favorite anything.

Tor

‘What are you doing there, handsome?’ Lisa sidles up to me, pool stick in her hand, and glances down at the cell phone in my hand.

‘Texting my niece.’

‘The rock star’s kid?’

‘Yup.’

‘She’s cute.’

Nodding, I shove my phone back in my pocket. ‘Yeah, she is.’

She leans closer to me, her breasts pressing against my arm. ‘You want to head out of here?’ Her voice is low, riddled with unspoken, but undeniably clear offers.

I search the crowded bar for her friend, whose name I can’t remember, and find her making out with some guy in a dark booth near the back of the bar.

‘What about your friend?’

She glances over in their direction. ‘Something tells me she’ll be busy for a while. She’ll be alright. I’d rather you drive me home.’

I put our sticks back on the rack, mulling it over in my mind. The loud music and people yelling to be heard are starting to make my head throb. ‘Yeah. Let’s go.’

After paying our tab, I lead her out to my truck, my hand on the small of her back, and she beams at me when I open the passenger door for her.

‘I’m glad you came tonight,’ she says when I get behind the wheel. ‘I know I’ve been a little…harsh on you.’

‘I wouldn’t say harsh, Lisa. You’re just speaking your mind. Nothing wrong with that.’

She lets out a laugh. ‘I’m kinda known for doing that a little too much.’

I throw her a grin. ‘Trust me, you could be a lot worse.’

She tucks her long black hair behind her ear and smiles across the truck at me. ‘I’ll try not to be worse.’

‘Just be yourself. That’s all any of us should be.’

I hate when women try to change to be what they think a guy wants. Eventually, they slip and the real them will come crashing through, and it’s usually not as good as the person they were pretending to be. I have no time or tolerance for fake people or trying to figure out who they really are.

We talk casually on the drive across town and then sit in silence for a few awkward moments when I pull into her driveway. I’m not good at starting or ending dates. At all.

‘I’ll walk you to the door,’ I finally say, and jump out to open her door for her.

‘You really have the best manners, Toren,’ she remarks as she steps out of the truck and takes my arm held out to her. ‘Opening doors seems to be a lost art.’

‘My father taught us how to treat a woman right.’

‘Well, it shows. I can’t remember the last time a man opened a door for me.’

‘That’s pretty sad.’

‘You have no idea,’ she agrees.

At her door, she looks up at me expectedly and lays her hand on my shoulder, her finger moving back and forth at the edge of my collar.

‘You want to come inside? Have a glass of wine? Or a beer?’

I waver between wanting to fuck out my frustration and wanting to not be that kind of guy anymore. She’s been giving me the green light all night so there’s no question she wants me. One touch, and I’m pretty sure I can have her melting right through this door and dragging me to her bedroom. And it’s tempting, especially after six months and counting of no sex.

‘Hmm?’ She coaxes, running her hand up to the back of my neck and pulling my lips down to hers.

I let her press my lips to hers for a moment and then slowly pull away. ‘Not tonight.’

Disappointment curves her mouth into a frown and her cheeks redden. She’s embarrassed, being turned down, and I feel bad for her.

She takes a deep breath to recover. ‘Tor, we’ve dated a bunch of times, and I really like you.’

‘I like you, too.’ I chew the inside of my cheek.

‘Then I don’t understand why you’ve never done anything more than kiss me. Is there something wrong with me?’

‘Fuck no, you’re beautiful.’

‘Then what’s the problem?’ she asks, glancing down towards my dick. ‘Is there something wrong with you?’

‘Fuck no, again.’

She leans her back against her front door and makes a face at me like I just landed here from Mars. ‘Then what the hell is going on? I’m confused.’

‘Lisa, I was in a relationship for twelve years-‘

‘You’re still in love with her?’ she interrupts. ‘Is that it?’

I shake my head. ‘No, that’s not it at all. I’m just not into casual fucking.’

‘Casual fucking?’ she repeats.

‘Yeah…fooling around with no commitment.’

‘I know what it means, Toren. And if that’s the issue, I have no problem committing to you. I’m not seeing anyone else.’

Oh shit no. ‘Neither am I but that’s not quite what I meant.’

‘Then what do you mean?’

‘I mean I don’t want to get physically involved unless I’m mentally involved. I’m not lookin’ to just get laid, Lisa. I pretty much spent twelve years of my life on someone who couldn’t commit to me one hundred percent physically or mentally, and I’m not doing that shit again. She only came around when she wanted me to fuck her silly or she needed something from me. You want to be friends and see where it goes? Then I’m down for that. But I’m not getting my dick or my heart involved until I feel like it’s gonna go someplace worthwhile for both of us, in every way.’

I’m met with a glazed, unblinking brown-eyed stare. ‘You’re serious?’

‘Do I look like I’m fucking joking?’

‘No, not at all,’ she shakes her head slowly back and forth, studying my face. ‘I’m just a little shocked. I mean, come on, Tor. You don’t exactly look like the kind of guy that would abstain by your own choice. You practically ooze sex.’

‘I know,’ I smirk, half joking. I’m not clueless as to how women look at me.

‘Well, I’m not going to lie, I’m surprised but also impressed. I didn’t think men like you actually existed,’ a seductive smile crosses her lips. ‘But it does make you even more intriguing and more of a catch.’

A vision of me in a lake with a fish hook in my mouth comes to mind and it’s not how I want to be thought of.

‘I don’t want to be a catch. I just want to be with someone for the right reasons. And I want them to be with me for the right reasons, too. I can’t deal with bullshit or games or people that don’t know what they want, or can’t commit to it when they do know.’

Her expression softens. ‘I wasn’t expecting such a serious conversation tonight. This is the most you’ve ever talked about yourself. But since we’re being honest…I’m not into games, either. I guess now is the time for me to tell you I’m separated.’

Her admission comes out of left field and causes me to take a short involuntary step back.

‘You’re married?’

‘Separated for about a year. The divorce is almost final. It’s totally over between us – no lingering feelings at all.’ I wonder how can two people be married and not have any feelings left?

‘What happened?’ I know I’m picky, but I always pictured myself marrying someone who wasn’t already someone’s ex-wife.

She shrugs and stares off someplace behind me. ‘We grew apart. We got bored. We stopped wanting it. It just wasn’t meant to be.’

So much for ‘til death do us fucking part.

‘Okay. I’m glad you told me. I had no idea.’

‘Do you think there’s any possibility of us going further? Or am I wasting my time? I don’t mind being friends and taking things slow, but I definitely want more than that. I’m not sure I can date you and not get physically or mentally interested.’

Who am I to judge what’s a waste of someone else’s time? If we don’t end up screwing or in love, does that constitute a waste? In some ways yes, in some ways no.

‘I don’t really know. You’ve already made comments about me being too quiet and cold, and I know you don’t agree with all the things I do. I guess you have to ask yourself if you really do want more. And yeah, I ask myself does this chick like me for me, or because I ooze sex, as you put it?’

‘I guess it’s a little of both. But in my defense, you’re a hard guy to get to know, Tor.’

I can’t argue with that. ‘True enough. But I’m trying.’

‘I can see that you are,’ she takes a deep breath. ‘So now that we’ve talked about all that, can we see each other again? Now that I understand you more?’

‘We can. Just as long as we’re clear there’s no promises.’

‘That’s fine. I don’t need promises. But if you get…lonely…I wouldn’t say no,’ she hints, raising her perfect eyebrow up at me.

Lisa just lost a point.

‘I surpassed lonely a long time ago, honey. But thanks.’

Her cheeks turn crimson. ‘On that note, I’m going to go inside. But I’d really like to see you again.’

‘I’ll call you.’ I give her a quick kiss before she unlocks her door and disappears into her house.

Maybe I’m stupid, looking for something I’ll never find, and I should’ve continued this date like a normal guy would have instead of going back home to my empty house and empty bed alone. I just want that magical feeling I wrote about years ago when I used to write the lyrics for the band’s rock ballads. I want crazy fucking love. I want someone that’ll never let me go. I want to wake up to my best friend every day.