The Rule Book: A Novel

Twenty minutes later, Derek and I are both seated at the little hotel desk with my laptop open in front of us and a videoconference call connecting with Nicole and Joseph.

“Hi,” I say with a smile I don’t feel. “Is it too hopeful to assume you’re calling because you missed seeing my cheerful face around the office and needed a boost?”

Nicole gives me a look. Joseph—the owner—grimaces. They don’t like my humor today. Or any day, really.

My knee bounces like a windup toy set loose.

Nicole sighs and her eyes betray no hints that she called me half an hour ago to prep me for this very conversation. She’s a good actress. “Mac—you know I like to cut right to the chase.”

“I do—yes, it’s one of your most impressive qualities.” I imagine Nicole is the special breed of person who flips right to the end of a book and reads the last page first. She won’t waste her time on a story that takes her by surprise. “But if you don’t mind, I’d like to apologize before we get started. I’m truly so sorry. I know that what happened between me and Derek this weekend doesn’t look good, and I feel terrible for any bad publicity I might have brought to the agency.”

Mr. Newman (Joseph) nods and, when preparing to talk, leans much too close to the screen. It’s ninety percent his nose at this point. An ominous little frown etches between his bushy gray brows and my leg bounces at double time now.

“Mac—you know that despite your unconventional ways, we’ve enjoyed having you in the agency and have considered you as an asset to the team. But…”

Oh. Here it comes. The hammer. I hate the hammer.

“…But this was bad,” he continues. “I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Mr. Pender—who I see is seated beside you—and please know, Derek, that none of what I’m about to say reflects on the way our agency feels about you.” Seems about right. “But, Mac, we can’t have an agent on our roster who has a reputation of imbibing and eloping with a client in Vegas on a whim. It doesn’t look good and frankly is highly unprofessional.”

I wish I could disagree, but he’s absolutely right. Of course, there’s much more at play here than they understand, but I’m not even sure that makes it better. I should have been honest about my history with Derek from the start and told them it would be a conflict of interest to represent him.

My knee is now its own person with a mind of its own. All my stress and anxiety filter down to that one extremity as I prepare to hear the words you’re fired come through the line.

But then the strangest, most startling thing happens: Derek’s hand moves under the desk to settle on my thigh. The weight of his heavy hand melts against my leg and the bouncing quiets immediately. He squeezes once, and instinctively (as well as irrationally), my body eases. For the first time in my career, I realize I don’t have to face this obstacle alone.

Derek clears his throat—not removing his hand from my leg. “But see, that’s the thing,” Derek begins, and my head whips in his direction. He glances at me quickly, and I get one more gentle squeeze on my knee. Trust me.

“It wasn’t random or an accident,” Derek tells my bosses with all the confidence in the world.

And then he lets go of my leg, just long enough to raise his arm over my head and settle it around my shoulders, pulling me into his body. Ohmygoshyes.

“Nothing about our elopement was accidental. It’s been years and years in the making, in fact.” That’s a nifty way to spin the truth.

“Explain,” Joseph states firmly but not unkindly. He’s intrigued.

“Well, sir, we didn’t inform anyone from the beginning because Nora and I both thought it would be a non-issue, but…we had a previous relationship. A serious one back in college.”

Joseph’s bushy, Eugene Levy eyebrows rise. I can’t tell if he’s happy about this admission or even more set in his decision to fire me. My knee bounces again. I would really like to ask for a sidebar with Derek right about now to make sure he knows what he’s doing. This time, his leg hooks over mine to pin it down under the desk.

“We decided not to make it a big thing since our history was so far behind us. And that was my first mistake.” His eyes drop to me now and the affectionate look on his face is so convincing even I believe it. “I should never have assumed that I wouldn’t immediately fall in love with Nora all over the second I saw her again. I should have been open with Nicole and the agency in anticipation of needing to spend the rest of my life with this woman.”

My lips part and I breathe deeply as my eyes search Derek’s face. He looks so genuine. So heartfelt. Why does it feel like he’s telling the truth right now? But no. That’s absurd. Just last night he was firing me. Wanting space from me. Hate or not, he didn’t want to spend another day in my company.

No one interrupts Derek. “When we were both honest with each other about our feelings, one thing led to another, and we decided we couldn’t go another hour without making it official. It’s not a fluke, or an accident, or something that’s going away. We are married now and not ashamed of it.”

Good lord above, what a convincing act. I try not to let my shoulders sag at that thought. Which, hello, is ridiculous because I don’t even want a relationship with Derek! Do I? Honestly, I’ve been so full steam ahead on my career that I haven’t even stopped to consider that maybe I am ready for the next phase of my life plan. Maybe I can balance all this time.

Ah. No. What’s happening to me? I can’t entertain the idea of a real relationship with Derek. When we talked everything out before this call, we decided we would stay married only long enough to settle everyone’s feathers and then quietly divorce and not make a big fuss. That it would be a marriage in name alone—and fake as the plastic plant in my office. (Real plants don’t grow in there from the lack of sun.)

Joseph sighs deeply and I’m on the edge of my seat for his answer. He opens his mouth to say goodness knows what after that epic speech from Derek, but Nicole finally breaks her silence and talks before he can.

“You know, Joseph, I was just thinking…” Her red lips tilt in the corner into the most conniving wonderful smirk I’ve ever seen. And if I’m not mistaken, there’s a sparkle of pride in her eyes too. This was the sort of plan she was hoping we’d make. “If this marriage is real and they plan on making it last for the long haul, this could be really good exposure for the agency.”

The crease between his brow craters. “We just had a meeting about how big a problem this was going to be.”

“Yes, well, that was when we expected them to get the marriage annulled immediately. But a marriage based on love and commitment is a completely different story.”

My heart is on a white-water rapid. Am I losing my job or not? It sort of feels like not, but also like a very intricate web of lies is being strung out in front of me, and let me tell you, I am not good at lying.

Nicole steeples her fingers in front of her (her nails match her lipstick). “I say we get out in front of this and release a statement in support of their relationship immediately. No apologies. No hints of a mistake, because”—she pauses meaningfully and grins like a sly cat—“because this wasn’t one, as they’ve just confirmed.”

The odd thing is, something real and honest in me truly doesn’t think it was a mistake. And that’s got to be bad, right? In what world is something so messy a good decision?

“In fact,” Nicole continues, “I think I could pull some strings and turn this into something great if they’re up for it. I have a good friend at Celebrity Spark magazine who dies for stories like this. I say we put Derek and Mac on a plane tomorrow for…I don’t know, a resort on the beach somewhere to celebrate their honeymoon for a week or two,” she says flippantly. “We can let Spark cover the story of their whirlwind romance and direct the narrative in the direction we want it to go. A powerhouse couple or something.”

This time, my hand moves to Derek’s thigh that’s still paper-weighting mine, and I grip it out of terror. This is not good. Not good at all. Derek and I can’t go on a honeymoon. We’re not really married! Oh god, I’m committing fraud! Can I go to jail for this? Actually, I might be thinking of obtaining a green card. Different situation.

Derek’s hand covers mine, and we’re an absurd Jenga of limbs. He’s as relaxed as if we’re sitting in the movie theater watching a completely fake scenario unfold that has nothing to do with our very real lives. Still, the warmth of his hand is reassuring.

“You really think this is a good idea, Nicole?” Joseph asks.

Nicole tips her eyebrows in amusement like she knows any idea she comes up with is gold. “It’s a fantastic one. I predict it will make a cover story for Spark, and even bring in new endorsement deals for Derek once it shifts the spotlight off his recovering injury and onto what a romantic he is—because the public loves nothing more than seeing a man devastatingly in love. Just ask my client Nathan. I had him and his now-wife Bree do something similar a few years ago and it brought loads of attention to him. And as for you, Mac, it could re-establish your professionalism before any unsavory narratives circulate about you. It’s a win-win for all of us.”

Derek was right. This is really going to work.

“Now the question is, Mac…are you okay with having a very publicized honeymoon? I don’t want to force something on you that you’re not comfortable with.”

I take exactly two seconds to respond. But you better believe that in those two seconds, I have entire days’ worth of overthinking. I stalk through a maze of possible solutions to get out of this mess and hit a dead end every time. I’m out of options.

If I want to keep my job, I have to stay married to my ex.

“I’m in! Let’s do this Hokey Pokey.” Everyone blinks at me. Everyone but Derek, who is staring down at my hand on his leg with a look I can’t decipher. “And by Hokey Pokey I mean please do contact your people at Celebrity Spark, and Derek and I will show up wherever they need us to.”

Nicole nods once. “Good. I’ll be in touch.”

She ends the meeting, and me and my husband are immediately swamped in overwhelming silence.

Buckle up, Nora, you’re going on a honeymoon with your ex.