The Cheat Sheet: A Novel

I move like a zombie all the way down to the lobby. My eyes are unfocused, and I’m sure the lady working the front desk assumes I’m on something. My heels echo loudly across the empty expansive lobby, and I’m aware of every sound. Like maybe when I look back on this day, that will be the thing I remember most—the sharp clicks.

I’m not letting myself think about what happened back in that apartment yet. I absolutely will not poke it, or prod it, or dissect in any way. Instead, I’m floating out of the main entrance’s sliding doors. Chilly air-conditioning collides with a balmy ocean breeze, and I’m still floating. Choosing to hyper-focus on how I feel and what I see just so I don’t let my thoughts tiptoe back to that moment upstairs.

Outside on the sidewalk, I find the SUV Nathan and I rode in earlier pulling up, and that’s when I remember that he asked his driver to remain on standby in the parking garage until I was ready to go home. Thankfully, I haven’t had too many issues with intrusive paparazzi or obsessive fans, but I’ve also not been taking my chances by walking alone too often. Tonight though, I need the walk to clear my head.

Robert, our same driver from earlier tonight, cuts the engine and dashes from the driver seat like a NASCAR driver at a pit stop.

“Ms. Camden, wait! Mr. Donelson asked for me to drive you home.”

I look from the driver to five blocks down Cherry Avenue to where I can literally see my apartment building. Sure, it’s nighttime, but it’s well lit and the road is pretty empty. It seems a little overkill to drive two inches home.

“That’s okay. Thank you, but I’d like to walk.”

I don’t need to get in Nathan’s fancy SUV and be full of every single reminder of the night. I’m afraid I’ll short-circuit. I need to walk off my nerves and get my head on straight, because something definitely almost just happened between us and I have no idea how to feel about it. Not sure I want to feel anything about it.

I keep walking, and Robert hops into the SUV and starts crawling along beside me. I cut my eyes sideways, trying to figure out if he’s following me or not. I speed up and he does too. I abruptly stop and so does he.

I turn to him with my hands on my hips. “Robert! Roll down the window.” He complies, and now I can see his sweet smiling face. It’s hard to be mad at Robert in his cute driver’s hat. “What are you doing?”

“Seeing you home. Mr. Donelson was very specific that I need to make sure you get home safely.”

I groan. “So you’re going to follow me like a stalker all the way to my home?”

“I prefer bodyguard. And yes.” He gives me an apologetic smile. He knows he’s being annoying, but his boss pays him too well to not obey. “Unless there’s somewhere else you’d like to have me take you?”

I think about this for a moment, and then realize, Why yes! There is somewhere I’d like him to take me. To the only person who always makes everything better.

“Okay, but I’m riding shotgun because there’s way too much I need to talk about to be stuffed in the back like a snooty politician.”

I throw a rock at the window. Nothing. So I throw another little pebble. It makes a really bad cracking sound, and I’m scared that maybe I broke it. That never happens in the movies! I thought those things were supposed to be indestructible!

I’m just about to turn tail and run when the curtains flutter open and my sister glares down at me from her second-story window. I can see the shock register on her face. I gesture wildly for her to open the window like maybe she wouldn’t think of doing it on her own.

She slides it open and I quietly yell, “Rapunzel, let down your hair!”

“Bree?! What the heck are you doing here?” Lily’s so cute. She never cusses.

I point aggressively toward her front door. “Come down!”

“This is so weird! I feel like I’m dreaming.”

“Itt’sss noooot a dreeeammm,” I say in a spooky voice. “I am the ghost of Christmas—”

“Oh my gosh, I’ll be down in a second.”

Two minutes later, I’m sitting on the front porch with my big sister and laying my head on the shoulder of her fuzzy pink robe.

She nods toward the curb. “Who’s that?”

“Bob. My driver.” Only his true friends call him Bob. I sat in the front with him all the way here and we shared a bag of convenience store candy while he told me the story of how he met his wife, Miriam, forty years ago. So yeah, best friends.

“Why do you have a Bob?”

“Because Nathan wouldn’t let me walk home alone.”

“Sure. Sounds logical.” We’re quiet for a minute. “Not that I don’t love having you here with me, but can you please tell me why in the world you drove two hours in the night to throw rocks at my window and sit on my porch?”

“I thought the rocks would be cute. Just like the movies. But I think I might have cracked your window pane.”

“Are you serious?” she asks in a heightened tone that tells me she doesn’t find it nearly as cute as I do.

I grimace. “No. Just kidding.” Okay, I might have to call in a favor with Nathan and have his magic worker bees get that window replaced before my sister finds out.

“Oh.” She sighs with relief. I really hope she doesn’t check it later. “Do you want me to go put on some water for tea?”

“No, thanks. I’ve got to get Bob back home soon or Miriam is going to hunt me down.”

Lily laughs incredulously. “Okay, come on. Seriously—you didn’t drive all this way for a hug. What’s going on? Did something happen?”

I whimper and snuggle deeper into my sister’s softness, letting the reality I’ve been avoiding finally crash over me. “I think Nathan and I almost got freaky tonight.”

“WHAT! I—”

I whip my head up to level her with a stern look. “If you say the words I told you so, I will steal this pink robe right off your back and go throw it in a muddy puddle.”

“Rude! But fine. I won’t say it. Just know I’m thinking it.” She grins at me, and I feel a little bit of the weight on my shoulders lessen. “So, I’m guessing since you’re here instead of there with him this means you didn’t get freaky, as you so immaturely put it?”

“Right. I was completely in control of my emotions and able to calmly put a stop to it before it went too far.”

She coughs. “You panicked.” And coughs again.

I bump her shoulder. “Yes, fine, okay?! I completely spiraled. I tripped my way out of his apartment and promised I’d bake him a cake. I’m a complete mess.”

“A little bit, but that’s why we love you. So tell me what happened from beginning to end.”

I do. I tell her about tearing the poster (she laughs like a hyena and I don’t appreciate it at all) and then I tell her about going back to his apartment and how he’s seen me naked (oh gosh, I totally forgot about that part until just now) and then I tell her about the stripping and how I cut it off. At that point, she pinches me hard under the arm.

“OW! What was that for?!”

“For running out on him mid-striptease!” Her cheeks are seriously red. She’s so mad at me.

“Don’t say striptease like that. You make it sound like there was gyrating and helicoptering of clothing.”

She shakes her head. “Next time there should be. Oh my gosh, a man like Nathan Donelson giving you a striptease! And you stopped him! How are you my sister?”

“I’m going to go wake up Doug and tell on you if you don’t stop being so creepy.”

“Doug would back me up! I’m genuinely mad at you. I need a minute.”

I raise my eyebrows and fold my arms, waiting for my sister to calm down from her conniption fit. Finally, she takes in a deep breath and releases it. “Okay. I’m ready.”

“You good?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Great, now can we stop making this about you, please? Because I’m on the brink of a big life decision here and sort of need your support.”

“Fine, yes, I’m sorry. Proceed.” She tightens the pink tie of her robe primly like she wasn’t just encouraging me to turn Nathan into a Chippendale dancer.

“I think…I think I want to rip up my rules and see what happens between me and Nathan. You know, what do the hip kids say nowadays? Go with the flow? I’m sick of being just friends with him. I’m ready to hope for more.”

Lily raises her hands like she’s sitting in church and the Holy Spirit really spoke to her. “Praise be. We’ve all been waiting long enough!”

I close my eyes and finally let my mind race back to that moment in his living room. It’s time to dissect every tiny feature of his face to make sure I’m making the right decision. I use this memory to track the movements of his body, not out of desire (though that’s there too), but like I’m studying a new language, trying to decipher its meaning.

In this recollection, Nathan doesn’t hesitate. He doesn’t look away from me once when I ask him to remove everything protecting him and stand in front of me exposed. There’s trust in his eyes. I use the fancy CIA-level surveillance system in my brain to zoom in on his skin. ENHANCE! Chill bumps line his arms. But then, lastly, when he looks up at me while helping with my heels, his hand wraps around my ankle—there, I pause the image and point to the screen—in his face is the look of a man with feelings. I’m not sure how big those feelings are, but they are right there on the surface.

I open my eyes, courage filling me up like a balloon. I can’t hide from risk anymore or I’m going to be sitting all by myself inside these protective walls—lonely and disappointed—for the rest of my life.

I look at Lily, squaring my shoulders. “You know what I’ve realized? It’s time to hope for more with Nathan, because hope is healthy. Even if I prepare myself for the worst in life, it will never make the fall hurt less.”

Her mouth falls open in shock, and then she smacks my arm. “I’M THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU THAT.”

I scrunch up my nose. “I don’t think so.”

“Yes. It was me.”

“I think it was an inspirational graphic on Instagram.”

“IT WAS YOUR GENIUS BIG SISTER!”

I laugh, wrap my arm around her fuzzy-pinkness, and kiss her on the cheek. “Thank you, big sister. You are a genius.”

“And don’t you forget it.”

We sit like this for a little while longer, talking about life and her boys and Doug’s recent promotion and the upcoming birthday party she’s throwing for my oldest nephew (of course I’ll be there). Lily is truly happy, and that fills me with joy to no end.

Finally, she asks, “So what’s next? Are you going to call Nathan tomorrow and tell him you have feelings for him?”

“Call him?! I might have had an epiphany tonight, but I’m not ready to place my heart on the chopping block completely yet. I’m going to lay it on thick under the protection of our fake relationship and see how he responds first. I’ll hope privately in my heart.”

Lily looks horrified. “What does ‘lay it on thick’ mean?”

I gawk at her. “You know, flirting! Being sexy.” I shimmy my shoulders on sexy.

“I’m concerned that you don’t know how to do either of those based on the phrase you just used and the thing you just did with your shoulders.”

“Oh stop. It’s so sexy. Hey, Bob! Does Miriam ever lay it on thick?!” My new BFF will back me up.

He rolls down his window with a beaming smile. “Oh yeah! She never skimps on the mayo for my ham sandwiches.”

I grimace, and Lily gloats. Fine. My sensual phrases need some work.

Just before I stand to leave, I remember something. “Oh! Wait, I have something for you!” I tell Lily while digging in my purse.

“Is it a Breenket?! Please say it is. Nathan is starting to collect more than me and I want to squash him next time we compare.”

I pull out a tiny little Barbie. It’s wearing a—

“Pink robe!” Lily says with a huge smile as she runs her fingers over the tiny little plush garment.

“I saw it in the grocery store the other day when I got distracted on the knickknacks aisle, and I was missing you so much I had to buy it.”

Lily’s arms wrap around my shoulders and squeeze. “Thank you, I love it. And now I’m going to own your man.”

“Not my man yet.”

She laughs. “Bree, darling, he’s been your man for years.”