Losers: Part I

As the El Camino pulled away, the rumbling engine fading into the night, I felt utterly and completely alone.

Everything had happened so fast. When I’d rushed between Alex and Jason, it had been impulsive, instinctual. It didn’t even register when Alex put his hands on me. I was filled with too much adrenaline to really consider the consequences of what I was doing.

But now that it was over, reality hit me hard. I’d had broken glass shoved in my face and I could still feel the tight grip of Alex’s fingers on my throat. He’d dared to put his hands on me, to threaten me!

And the people who’d stepped up to defend me weren’t even those I called friends. My “friends” had only watched.

But Vincent and Manson, Jason…even Lucas…They’d defended me. Instantly, without hesitation, all of them.

I should have gone with them.

Then I remembered Lucas’s words and my anger reared back. He’d made me so damn mad — calling me hypocrite, claiming I only wanted attention. And he’d done it all while proving how desperate I was, how quickly I gave in the moment no one was watching.

It was humiliating, and to make it even worse, he’d been so smug about it all. Like he had me all figured out, as if he knew me better than I knew myself.

You need someone to punish you properly, he’d said, as if I was a bratty child. The fucking nerve. I didn’t need punishment from him. Or any of them. Or at all. I didn’t need anyone looking after me.

I could take care of myself, and that started with me whirling around and marching back toward Alex in a fury.

“How fucking dare you put your hands on me!” I yelled, shoving my hands as hard as I could against his chest. He took one stumbling step back, his eyes narrowing into a dangerous glare that would have made a smarter person back down.

But I didn’t. All this fury needed somewhere to go, and the more I thought about what had just happened, the more wildly unacceptable it felt.

“It’s your own fault,” Alex said. “What the hell did you think you were doing? Next time, stay out of my way.” He took a step toward me but I didn’t back down. If he wanted to get physical, I gladly would. His ridiculous macho act didn’t scare me. But my head swam, all the alcohol in my veins reminding me that this was mostly my liquid courage talking. Or liquid foolishness.

People around us were clearly uncomfortable, but no one else said a word. They were trying to watch while keeping their eyes averted, as if they thought that if they didn’t look directly at our confrontation, then they weren’t responsible for stepping in.

“Jessica!” Danielle called me sharply. As much as I loathed letting Alex feel like he was the victor here, I turned away from him and trudged back toward the girls. Alex could have his tantrum, but I wasn’t going to forgive him for this. Drunk or not, there was no excuse.

“Girl, what is going on?” Danielle said as I rejoined her and Candace. “Why would you get in the middle of that? Alex is pissed.”

“You should have let them fight it out.” Candace shook her head, taking a long drink to finish off her wine cooler.

Danielle’s lips were pursed as she looked at me. I could see her mind turning, and I didn’t like it one bit.

“Why did you ride with him?” she said, accusation slipping into her voice.

Sipping my drink, I simply shrugged. Okay, it wasn’t really a sip — I gulped it greedily, desperately. “Sounded like fun. Is there a problem with that?”

The nastiness in her expression grew as I stared at her. Candace’s eyes darted between us, although she didn’t dare to say a word. For a moment, I thought Danielle would let it go.

But then her lips twisted into something like a smile and she said, “I just think it’s funny how last time you were having a little fun with Manson, and this time it’s a little fun with Lucas. Which one is next, Jess?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see people staring. Alex was pacing as he waited for his tow truck to arrive, swearing up and down that he was going to “make them pay.” There was a pool of oil slowly spreading around the Hellcat, and I overheard someone say that he’d shifted into third gear when he’d meant to shift to fifth, blowing his transmission.

It was his own damn fault, but he was still determined to pin the blame elsewhere.

“Shut up, Danielle,” I said. “Fucking drop it.”

People were departing now that the race was over. But Veronica was still here, and she was talking to Alex now. Her gaze kept darting over to me, as if she was waiting to see what I would do. She nodded sympathetically to Alex’s raging, clasping his arm in an overly friendly way. She’d found her next target already.

My face reddened, my skin heating. Is that how Lucas saw me? Hopping from one person to the next in desperate search of attention? Taking a deep breath, I tried to force myself to sober up enough to drive home. But my head was buzzing and I didn’t feel comfortable getting behind the wheel yet.

Danielle and Candace were conversing among themselves, and for once, I was glad I couldn’t hear what they were saying.

I could feel it from all sides, pricking my skin like sharp fingernails. Judgment. Disapproval. Suspicion.

I didn’t belong.

Suddenly, Alex hurled his empty glass bottle against a tree, the sound of shattering glass making me jump.

“God fucking damn them!” he yelled, his voice hitting that ragged volume of sheer unbridled fury. “It didn’t use to be like this, man. Those motherfuckers used to know their place.”

Nate and Matthew nodded in agreement, their faces set hard as stone.

“We never had problems like this until they started showing up either,” Danielle said. She looked at Candace, gasping, “Who whips out a gun like that?”

“That’s what happens when people start feeling sorry for them,” Veronica said, as if the real problem here was nothing more than misplaced empathy. “They’ve always been trashy. Kathryn Peters paid for Manson’s therapy out of her own pocket, you know. Didn’t even do any good. He’s still carrying that knife around like he’s waiting for the opportunity to stab someone.”

“He’s never stabbed anyone,” I said.

Alex whirled around, jabbing his finger at me. “Why the hell are you still here? Why didn’t you bail with your little boyfriends?” His lip curled in disgust. “Or did they not want you either?”

I clenched my fists, glaring at him from my seat.

“You need to learn to fucking control yourself, Alex,” I snapped. “You did this!” I pointed to his car, my voice rising. “This is your fault! People could have gotten seriously hurt. But you couldn’t handle losing so instead you’re throwing a tantrum like a baby!”

“As if you’re one to talk,” he said. “You just can’t resist making yourself the center of attention, can you? Always so eager to throw yourself into the middle of shit that doesn’t even involve you.”

He wanted a reaction out of me, and more furious words were rising in my throat. It would feel so good to go off on him, to scream and rage for what he’d done. But I had no safe way to get home, I was stuck here with them.

When I told Jason I didn’t need saving, I had been so wrong.

But to my surprise, Danielle spoke up.

“Calm down, Alex,” she said, her tone bored. “Jess was only having a little fun with them. She’s not with them.” She glanced over at me, but the look she gave me was strange. “She’s on our side.”

I didn’t know if I was being assured or warned.

“I need water,” I muttered, leaving my seat to walk back to my car. The tow truck was arriving, momentarily distracting Alex from his raging as the Hellcat was loaded onto the flatbed. I retrieved one of my water bottles from the backseat and gulped it down, but it didn’t settle my churning stomach.

I was still hung up on what Lucas had said. Maybe I owed them an apology. For snapping, for being so rude, for — God, for so many things. But after tonight, there was a good chance I would never even see them again.

Maybe it was for the best. We were too volatile together; emotions were too high. They made me feel like I had no idea what to say or how to act. Everything was so confusing with them and it was probably my fault.

After all, I was the one who couldn’t communicate, who’d ghosted them without notice.

Apparently, plans had been made while I was lost in my thoughts. I returned from the car to find everyone looking at me expectantly.

“What about you, Jess?” Alex said. “You coming along or what?”

“Depends where you’re going,” I said, arms folded.

Candace shrugged. “Anywhere is better than sitting on the side of the road all night, right?”

At this point, I wasn’t sure if that was true. Sitting here alone in the dark might be a better idea than going with them.

“Come on, Jess, it’ll be fun,” Danielle said. “I know tonight has kind of sucked, but the night is young, right? We can turn it around.”

Veronica was watching me with narrowed eyes, a smirk on her face. What did she think was so funny? She probably expected me to decline, I bet she would love that. It would be a victory for her if I was so uncomfortable that I stayed behind. I’d go to spite them all at this point.

“Sure, whatever,” I said. “Let’s go then.”

“See, Alex?” Danielle said. “I told you, Jess is always down for some fun.”

Trepidation prickled up my back, although I wasn’t entirely sure why. Everything felt wrong. But I’d be damned if I was going to let them intimidate me.

“All right.” Alex nodded. “Let’s go have some fun.”

The air was cold as it whipped through my hair and it wasn’t long until I was shivering. I didn’t know where we were going, but we were barreling down a dark road at midnight huddled in the bed of Nate’s lifted truck. Danielle and Alex were in the cab with Nate, while Veronica, Candace, and Matthew sat in the back with me. Nate was blasting the radio but otherwise we were silent, tension resting over us like a poisonous cloud.

As Nate took a few more turns, my nervousness rose. I recognized this dirt road, pot-holed and barely wide enough for his truck to pass. Low-hanging branches from massive black walnut trees whipped the truck’s cab as we slowed, the suspension creaking with every bump and dip.

I knew where we were going.

The Reed residence was set back from the road with a large dirt yard. The chain-link fence was old and bent in places, but a new gate guarded the driveway, secured with a chain and padlock. Large trees flanked the house, which was a monstrosity built of dark wood with a wraparound porch. It would have been a beautiful home if it had ever been cared for, but Manson’s parents had never been capable or willing to do so.

“Doesn’t Manson’s mom live here alone?” I said, my voice barely a whisper. Last I’d known, Manson had been living with his social worker’s family, the Peters, while his mom lived here and his dad went MIA again. Nate turned off the radio and drove slowly along the road, past the front gate toward the far side of the property.

“She died,” Matthew said, and the declaration made my heart lurch. I’d never even known the woman, only that she was usually intoxicated and rarely left the house. “She left this place to Manson, and that freak hasn’t done shit with it. Whole place should be burned to the ground.”

There was a large metal-sided garage on the far side of the property, illuminated by floodlights around its exterior. A mural had been graffitied on the wall that faced the road, depicting the boys’ four cars surrounded by swirls of neon colors. That certainly wasn’t something Manson’s parents would have created. Then who had painted it? One of the boys?

Nate stopped the trunk and turned off the engine. I blinked rapidly in confusion as everyone began to climb out of the truck. “Uh, what are we doing?”

“Having fun,” Danielle said, hanging off of Nate’s side, looking as though her drinks had finally caught up with her. Nate was carrying a massive pair of bolt cutters, and Alex had a hammer, along with an unpleasant smile on his face.

“They’ve actually started calling this place Losers’ Garage,” Mathew said, laughing under his breath. “Like they’re fucking proud of it.”

Panic drenched me in a cold wave as Nate used the bolt cutters to snip through the fence. This wasn’t merely a prank, this was literally breaking and entering.

“Don’t they have dogs?” Matthew whispered as he slipped through the fence ahead of me.

“Dogs?” I said. “There are dogs here?” I hung back, but Candace grabbed my arm before she crouched to squeeze through the fence and pulled me with her.

“Shut the hell up,” Alex hissed. “I don’t give a fuck if they’ve got trained elephants on the property.”

We crept along the interior of the fence, everyone staying low. This was truly unhinged. There was no way in hell we should be here.

I should have turned around. But it was like watching my own train wreck, as if some part of me had already accepted that something awful was going to happen.

We reached the side of the garage. A camera was aimed at the door there, illuminated by an overhead light, and Nate followed its trail of wires to a small gray box. More tangled wires and circuit breakers were within, and Danielle said, “Do you know which ones to cut?”

“Nope,” Nate said, before he swung the bolt cutters like a baseball bat and smashed the breakers. The flood lights flickered and went out, plunging us into near total darkness. Nate kept going, cutting through the wires with reckless determination.

“Guys, this is really —”

Alex tapped my arm, cutting me off as he jabbed his finger at a shovel leaned up against the garage. “Grab that,” he said, and I lifted it gingerly. “If something comes yapping at you, hit it.”

I wasn’t going to hit a dog, no way in hell. I’d sooner let them bite me than try to hurt them, but maybe the wooden handle could at least serve as a barricade if I was attacked.

If I was attacked. God, this was fucked. This was so fucked.

Nate slammed his massive foot against the door, busting it open. An alarm screeched and the lights popped on, despite Nate’s best efforts to cut off the electricity. I stood rooted in the doorway, the shovel in my hands, as the others rushed inside. It was spacious, with a stairway to my right leading to an upper level, but they were only interested in the cars. The Mustang, the El Camino, the Nissan, the blue Subaru — and against the far wall, a familiar Ford Bronco on massive tires.

The sound of shattering glass fell harshly on my ears as Matthew slammed a brick through the front windshield of the Mustang. Alex whooped excitedly as he brought his hammer down on the El Camino’s hood, and Veronica swung a metal pole she’d found into the passenger window. Nate was busting out the Subaru’s windows with his bolt cutters and Danielle was laughing as she dragged her keys down the side of the 350Z.

What the hell was I doing here? What was I doing?

Distantly, I could hear dogs barking. The alarms were so painfully loud I couldn’t think.

Veronica leaned into the broken window of the El Camino and spat on the seat, grinning at me all the while. “Not the first time I’ve gotten a little drool on these seats.”

The alarm was a roar in my ears. I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to imagine Veronica sitting where I’d sat, her mouth on Lucas. I didn’t want to think about the things he’d said to me. I didn’t want to feel the disapproval and uncertainty of everyone’s gazes on me as they ran through the broken glass and I had only just managed to shuffle inside.

“We gotta bail!” Nate sprinted for the door with Danielle and Veronica right behind him. Alex swung the wrench at the El Camino again as Matthew jabbed a razorblade into the tires.

“Hurry the fuck up, Jess! I thought you were down!”

And what if I wasn’t? What then? Rejection. Ostracization. I didn’t even know who shouted it, but I guess it didn’t matter. It could have been shouted by the universe itself.

All the fingers I’d ever pointed, all the cruel things I’d ever said, could so easily be turned on me. And they would be.

But this was wrong on so many levels, I never should have come here. My heart hammered, panic making me weak. I sucked in my breath and braced myself to turn and face them, to tell them I was leaving this shitshow. But as I turned, I realized they were gone. All of them. The garage was empty and the roar of the truck’s engine told me they’d abandoned me here.

They’d left me behind and the barking dogs were coming closer.