Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

THREE MONTHS LATER

I rushed around the apartment as I grabbed my bag and light weight jacket. Spring was blooming and it felt nice to have the warm sun on my skin. I smiled as I looked down to my small bump, my hand resting on it as I felt the baby kick softly against my hand. Today was our twenty-week scan, even though I was a little over twenty weeks, Killian schedule kept clashing with mine so it took a while for us to pin a date for the both of us to attend. I was excited but nervous. I couldn’t wait to see my little jellybean again and see how they were growing. Stepping outside the apartment, I locked the door behind me and waited in the hallway for Killian. After his drunken sleepover, we went for lunch to discuss how we were going to move forward. He tried to explain why he hadn’t shown up for the annulment, but I stopped him. I didn’t want to know. We were trying to move on from then and us going over it and trying to hash it out just seemed pointless; by doing that we would just be re-opening wounds. We agreed to stay friends for the time being. I cared a lot for him, and I couldn’t just switch off the new feelings that consumed me. But I had to try. I couldn’t get hurt by him. I had a lot more at stake now. He promised me the world and more, but I told him we had to take it slow. See how things progress.

Of course, I wanted to be with him and honestly, I was annoyed at myself for being so cautious, but it felt right. I had to listen to my gut, because my head and heart were screaming at me telling me I was a fucking idiot.

But my gut was always right. It was always the one I listened to most because it never steered me wrong… yet.

If we were meant to be, we would be. But it just didn’t feel right between us yet.

I smiled as I turned to see him strolling down the hallway, he looked so beautiful. He was wearing black suit trousers with a white shirt. His top two buttons were undone, his eyes glistening as they saw me, his lips turning at the corners as he approached. I was so used to seeing him in a tie and suit jacket at work, that seeing him in anything other than that attire seemed strange to me.

“Hey brat,” he winked, his arm wrapping around my shoulders as he pulled me into him and placed a soft kiss on my temple. My heart raced but I composed myself well.

“Hey,” I smiled back at him, ignoring the bolt that shot through me making my blood heat and my cheeks blush.

I gently pulled away from him, putting a small bit of distance between our two bodies. Being that close to him was torture. I was constantly fighting with myself to stop me acting the way I really wanted to.

Our fingers brushed, barely skimming as they touched. The spark coursed through me making me gasp; I pulled my hand away as if he had burned me.

“You okay?” he asked.

I nodded, pressing the button for the lift.

“I am,” I smiled at him before snapping my head round quickly to face the lift.

“You excited?” he asked, his hands sunken in his suit trouser pockets.

“I am, a little nervous but excited,” a nervous giggle slipped out of me, “how about you?”

“About the same,” he laughed, his eyes burning into the side of my head as he looked at me, but I ignored the magnetic pull to look at him.

Pulling up outside the doctor’s office, Killian parked and then took my hand as he helped me out the car.

“Here we go,” he beamed, I could see the glint of excitement flashing through his eyes.

“Mmhm,” I agreed, taking his hand before he shut the car door behind me. “You’re going to have to get a bigger car, that one is too low,” I groaned, looking at the Porsche.

“I know,” he agreed as he let go of my hand but now placed it on the small of my back. He pressed the buzzer and waited for the door to unlock. “If you’re free after, I was wondering whether I could show you something…” his voice trailed off as he looked down at me smiling. Our gaze locked, my heart thumped. I nodded yes.

“Good,” he mumbled as he placed a kiss into my hair.

“Killian,” I warned, slightly breathless.

But before he could reply, we were buzzed through. A few moments later we were booked in and waiting in the pristine waiting room. We weren’t waiting long before Doctor Kyra came out, smiling as she saw me.

“Ready?” she asked.

I smiled, standing with Killian close behind me.

After we went through the paperwork, I lay on the bed and waited for the probe.

“Do we want to know the gender of the baby today?” she asked.

“We do,” I smiled at her before turning to face Killian. His hand scooped up mine as he pressed the back of it to his lips, holding it there. I felt my heart constrict.

Killian wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the gender, but I had to know if my reading was right. Connie had arranged a gender reveal as well as a birthday party for me so thought we could do one little party with both.

It wasn’t going to be a massive get together, just her mums, Killian and a couple of the girls from work as well as Julianne.

We were hoping my parents could get over, but Connie is trying to deal with it and surprise me, but I can’t see it happening.

“Okay, let’s get started. We will find gender of the baby first then I will do all our checks.” Doctor Kyra said as she put gel on my tummy then pressed the probe.

“Any guesses?”

“I would love to say boy,” Killian said with a smile, “but let’s be honest, I’ve already had a girl, so I think it’ll be another girl.”

I shrugged as I laid down, looking at the screen, “I really don’t know. Every craving is savoury, I’ve had no sickness… I haven’t had any of the tell-tale signs for a girl so who knows.”

“Well, I do,” she smiled, turning the screen so we could see, “say hello to your daughter.”

I felt my eyes fill, my bottom lip trembling as I watched my baby girl kicking around on the screen. Killian stood, clasping my hands in his as he kissed me on the forehead then swiping my tears away with his thumb.

“A little girl,” I choked through my happy tears, “I’m really going to be a mum.”

It had just hit me. An overwhelming love that crashed through me, bulldozing anything I ever knew or felt. “You’re going to be a dad,” I whispered loudly. Killian’s thumb stroked the back of mine, as he sat back down.

No one could take her from me. No one could ever take my love for her away because I was always going to love her, like she was always going to love me.

“I’ve taken some screenshots for you ready to be printed when we have finished.” Doctor Kyra said as she began the examination, but I wasn’t really listening. I just watched in fascination as she measured the baby and checked her heart. She spent a little longer on the heart as she checked the baby’s chambers and valves. My pulse began racing faster as she continued looking.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, I couldn’t help the panic that was coursing through me.

“Yes, everything is fine,” she gave me a reassuring smile before her eyes were back on the screen.

“Is something wrong with her heart?” Killian asked, his own voice full of concern now. His hand was still clinging to mine, but now he squeezed it tighter.

“There seems to be a slight flicker on it, it could be nothing but it’s very hard to get a clear look as she is fidgeting,” a small laugh left her, which didn’t seem to match the stern look on her face.

I turned to face Killian, my eyes scanned his face trying to read his expression.

“Killian, what is it?” I whispered, my skin pricking in fear. A shiver dancing down my spine.

He tore his eyes from the screen, looking down at me.

“I have heart issues, well… had heart issues,” his voice was low before looking back at Kyra. “I didn’t mention anything because of my transplant. When I had my first daughter, twenty-one years ago, I was as healthy as a horse.” His voice faltered for a moment, “but three years ago, I fell ill with a viral infection which caused cardiomyopathy.” He took a sharp intake of breath; his eyes fell back to me as I looked at him wide-eyed.

“What’s that?” I whispered, suddenly terrified for him and our baby.

“It’s a disease of the heart muscle… never had heart issues until I got unwell. Doctor said it was the viral infection that caused it.” Killian’s head dropped, “we tried to manage it, but that all changed very quickly and suddenly. I was in London on business when I fell extremely ill. I was admitted into hospital and before I knew it, I was on the transplant list.” He stopped talking suddenly when I gasped.

“Your scar,” I whispered.

He nodded. “I got lucky…” he rubbed his lips together.

“Killian,” Kyra’s voice distracted us, “I need you to write all this down for me please.” She said to him before she turned to face me, “we will rebook you in for a weeks’ time, hopefully madam will play ball and please try not to worry Reese, I know it’s easier said than done but what Killian had was caused by a viral infection, not through genetics. But if when we do your next scan the flicker is still there then we will book you a cardiology appointment.”

I nodded, my throat burning as I tried to ignore the fear that was flooding through me now. I didn’t want to focus on what might be wrong with our daughter’s heart, because I would just spend the next week panicking and googling it. And google is not the place to go when it comes to wanting to know medical information.

I was concerned for Killian. I wanted to ask how he was, what he went through was traumatising. I should have asked him before all of this, but how could I? I felt out of place asking him something so personal. Even though I was pregnant with his child, I felt like I had no right to ask him.

We sat in the car, neither of us saying a word. I felt numb. I had so many questions I wanted to ask but I just couldn’t muster the words. I let out a heavy sigh as Killian pulled up outside a three-storey townhouse. “What’s wrong?” he turned the car off, turning the top half of his body to face me. My eyes pinned to him, my heart racing.

“Talk to me,” he whispered as he leant across the centre of the car, resting his hand on my thigh.

“I’m freaking out a little,” I admitted, my voice shaky as the words left me.

“About the baby?”

I nodded, “But not just about the baby. I’m also freaking out about you. Why didn’t you tell me?” my words came out bitter, I didn’t intend for them to.

“Because I didn’t want to burden you with that.” He smiled softly, his eyes creasing slightly in the corner. I felt a surge of energy course through me as his fingers skimmed along the material of my dress on my thigh.

“Killian, you would never burden me. You must have been terrified,” my breath caught.

“I have never been more scared than I was back then. I was alone, I honestly never thought I was going to be lucky enough to get my transplant.” I heard his voice crack, his eyes falling from mine as he looked to his lap. He scrunched his eyes shut; I could feel the emotions coursing through them. I could see how hard this was for him to talk about.

“You okay?” I asked, now it was my time to comfort him. I leaned over, wrapping my arms around his neck and let him bury his face in my hair.

He didn’t answer, just held me tightly until he was ready to let me go.

I looked through the car window in awe at the house in front of us. The front door was cream, with a square piece of glass. Six steps led to the front door, black railings running either side of it. The beautiful, Georgian glass sash windows made me smile. It was pretty, so understated but so prestigious.

“Where are we?” I asked as Killian helped me out of his Porsche.

“Greenwich Village,” he smirked, his lips twitching as he had a childish glint in his eye.

“Okay… and why are we here?” I stood at the bottom of the steps and looked up and the spectacular house.

“Because…” he smiled, standing behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist, his large hands cradling my small bump. I heard the breath catch in the back of my throat, my skin alight and smothering in goosebumps at having him so close. He rested his chin on my shoulder and pressed his lips to the shell of my ear, “this is your new house, or ours if you wanted to move in with me,” he joked, letting go of me and pulling a single gold key out of his suit trouser pocket.

“Killian,” I whispered, my hands covering my mouth at the shock of what he just said. “I can’t accept this. It’s too much…” I shook my head from side to side as I looked at him.

“You can and you will. It’s the least I can do.” He winked, “welcome home baby.”

My lips curled into a smile, my eyes glassing over from the tears that were filling them.

“I hope they’re happy tears?” his brows sat high as he gazed at me.

“They are.” I snorted a laugh as I followed him up the stairs and into my new house.

Our new house.

My heart warmed at the idea of living here with Killian, as he opened the door. My eyes widened. This house was out of this world. It was one of those houses you saw in home magazines, houses you were never meant to live in. My eyes scanned the hallway slowly as I took in every, single, detail. My mind flashed with little snippets of our future daughter; she would be here taking her first steps in this hallway that led down to the kitchen. Killian would have his own office and so would I. She would have a large bedroom overlooking the long garden that sat at the back of the house. Her toy room would be filled with everything you could have ever dreamed of and more. Our bedroom was just across the hallway, a large bedroom with a walk-in wardrobe and huge en-suite that had his and her sinks and a large, walk-in shower.

And if we weren’t living together, we have three spare rooms that Killian could stay in.

“You like?” he asked as we walked into the large, high ceilinged living room. The room had coving wrapped round the top of the wall, the walls were half panelled and painted in a light grey, the top of the walls a crisp white.

“I love,” I turned to face him as I threw myself into his body, wrapping my arms around his torso never wanting to let him go.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“You don’t need to thank me,” he muttered into my hair, his voice low as he accepted my embrace. It took him a moment before he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly.

“We have a couple more stops,” he whispered as he let me go, “ready?”

I nodded, too stunned to even speak.

He done this for me, for us, and I would never be able to repay him or show him how appreciative and grateful I was.

But I was going to try. I would spend the rest of my life showing him.

That was a promise.