Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

It had been a week.

One week since I found out I was pregnant with Killian’s baby.

One week since Connie found out about me and her dad.

One week since I last saw either of them. The pain in my gut and the searing pain in my heart was a constant reminder of how much I missed them both.

I hadn’t left the apartment, the thought of seeing either one of them was too much. I didn’t even know where to begin with Connie. Sure, Killian hating me I could deal with, he will soon move on and out of my life, but Connie was meant to be here for life. We were best friends. Elijah sent her to me when I needed her, and I didn’t want to lose her.

I felt like I could cry a thousand tears, but I had nothing more to give. Every ounce of sadness was ripped from my soul that first night. When I woke the next morning, I really expected to see him sleeping on the sofa, his bed hair messy and the pillow crease from the scatter cushions on his face.

But he had gone. Just proving to me that he didn’t want me once more. I felt hurt and betrayal like I had never felt before. I couldn’t even compare it to the pain of losing Elijah because the pain of death and the pain of someone not wanting to be with you is completely different. With Elijah, that pain will never ease, it will never fully disappear. I will always be constantly reminded of him.

But with Killian? That pain will eventually ease before disappearing completely and all he will be is a memory. A drunken, beautiful memory. Well, that would be the case if I wasn’t pregnant with his child. I will be reminded every day of what I felt for him. I was a fool to think that I felt nothing towards him, and maybe if I told him just how much I had fallen for him he would still be here. But how do you tell someone you love them when they don’t want the same things you do. He never wanted this baby.

He never even wanted me.

He liked the idea.

The taboo and forbidden of our relationship.

You always want what you can’t have. And now he can have me, he doesn’t want me.

That was okay, I will get over him in time. I will never beg him to be in my child’s life, that’s down to him if he wants to be part of it or not.

I will never beg anyone to be in their life.

Padding out to the lounge, I fell onto the sofa and switched the television on. I needed some background noise. Normally the quietness of this apartment I found comforting, where now I just found it too loud. All I could hear were my own thoughts, how I could have changed the outcome of this situation, but the truth was. I couldn’t.

Connie was always going to find out and react the way she did. Even if we sat her down and told her face to face, she still would have reacted that way.

Me and Killian were never going to work. We were wrong for each other; we should have never met. We are both on completely different paths in life and yet, for some reason the universe thought it would be funny to force us with each other like it was some sort of sick joke for its own, selfish gain.

The hours slipped by, and I hadn’t moved from the sofa. I eventually pulled myself up when I realised I had to eat. I didn’t want to eat, but it wasn’t about me anymore. It was about my little jellybean. My hand moved to my flat stomach, my heart thumping in my chest as I felt a warm buzz course through me. I loved this little one so much and I hadn’t even met them yet.

Standing, I walked over to the fridge and pulled it open. It was empty.

My stomach grumbled.

Sighing, I slammed it shut and headed for the front door. Grabbing my coat, I wrapped it round me then went to grab my scarf only to find it missing. I groaned, dropping my head back as I looked at the ceiling.

“For fuck’s sake.”

Inhaling deeply, I blew the air out past my lips, my cheeks puffing. I was grateful it wasn’t snowing anymore, we now just had grey, miserable skies. A bit like my mood. The air was still on the chilly side, but I was only running to the corner shop. My coat would be enough for now. My scarf has got to be here somewhere, I’ll turn the apartment upside down when I get home.

Grabbing my keys off the hook, I shut the door behind me and headed for the lift. The fresh air would do me good, I told myself. I needed to get out that apartment for a bit anyway. It was just a constant reminder of everything that had gone wrong in my life since I had been here.

Breathing the air deep into my lungs, I held my breath before exhaling. I managed to duck past Frank without him seeing me. I didn’t want to be stopped by him and be asked about Killian. It was bad enough that I was carrying a constant reminder around with me.

I would be at the shop in about five minutes, or in five blocks as Connie would say. A weak smile crept on my face before I stopped it. I didn’t want to think about either of them at the minute. I wanted a clear head, I wanted to think about anything other than them.

Pushing through the door of the shop, I walked aimlessly up and down the aisles. I had a few looks off fellow shoppers, but I was hardly surprised. I was wearing five-day old tracksuit bottoms, crocs and a beige trench coat. And I don’t even want to think about my hair. It was so greasy; I was worried if I took it out of its messy bun it would stay in the same style.

I was gross. Turning my nose up in disgust, I needed to shower.

I picked up the pace and threw all sorts into my basket. I didn’t even know what I fancied, but at least if I had the essentials, I could make something.

I paid the cashier and walked with my brown paper bags back towards my apartment. My mind was elsewhere when I got a whiff of a strong lavender and sage scent. Turning my head down a small alley, the sound of wind chimes pulled me down there. I walked cautiously, following the sound until I came to a small shop between two buildings. It was tiny. I looked at the beads hanging across the door, the wind chimes hung in the corner of the doorframe. I smiled. Stepping into the shop, I saw an older lady sitting at a round table. There was a doily tablecloth hanging over the round edges. My eyes scanned the room, there were crochet rainbows pinned to the walls, tarot cards and beautiful dream catchers. I heard the gasp leave my lips before I looked at the woman. She had a lilac bandana cloth wrapped round her head with small, gold coins hanging from each of the tassels. Her caramel skin was glowing as she flicked through a stack of cards. Her shoulders were covered in a pink, satin shawl that seemed to cover a beautiful white dress. She reminded me of Esmerelda from The Hunch Back Of Notre Dame.

She was beautiful.

“Can I help you child?” she asked, her crystal blue eyes finding mine and I swear I felt our souls connect in some spiritual way.

“Erm, no, no…” I smiled, pulling away as I stepped back, “I smelt your incense and heard your wind chimes and before I knew it, I was standing here.” I admitted. I must’ve sounded crazy.

“Then somebody wants you here,” she said softly, smiling as she gestured for me to sit down.

“Oh, no, really… I should get going… I have no cash on me,” I said with a grimace, my cheeks flushing a crimson as I thumbed behind me. I did have some notes, but not a lot.

“Sit down,” her voice was still kind but had a little more sternness to it now.

“Okay,” I whispered, placing my bags down beside me and sitting in the old, rickety chair.

“You don’t want to anger the spirits beyond this earth plane. You were called here for a reason, and now I am going to see if I can connect to you to find out who it is,” she smiled, reaching over and taking my hands in hers as she looked at the lines on my palms. After a moment or too, she closed her eyes as she began to hum.

I don’t know why, but my heart was jack hammering in my chest. I was apprehensive but also excited. I had never done anything like this before.

“Spirits, I call upon you to find the soul who brought this young lady to me,” her voice echoed around the room, my eyes were glued to her.

“Come forward, my child,” her voice was soft, quiet, calm which instantly stilled my racing heart as I waited with bated breath.

“Yes, I can hear you.” She smiled before her eyes opened, but something was different. They were still a crystal blue, but I felt the connection. I gasped, my breath catching at the back of my throat. My eyes widened, my face moving closer to the lady.

I knew those eyes.

“Elijah,” I whispered.

“Yes, my child. I have Elijah here with me. So young to have crossed over onto this side.” I heard the tightness of her voice, her head cocking to the side as she studied me.

“Okay my darling, okay…” she nodded as she listened, “slow down, we are in no rush.” Her lips lifted at the either side. She dropped her head for a moment, her eyes closing. Once her head lifted, her eyes opened, and the connection had gone.

“Your Elijah wants you to know that he is at peace, and he is okay. He didn’t feel anything when he passed over, but he feels the gaping hole in his heart at the loss of you.” Her brows furrowed slightly as she looked at me, “but he doesn’t want you to be sad anymore. You have a much bigger reason to smile now and that’s because of the baby that is growing inside of you. You need to let go of your past, let go of Elijah and move on with the life you deserve.”

“I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to forget,” I whispered, her hands still holding mine. I felt the gentle squeeze.

“No-one said anything about forgetting my child, just about letting go of the pain that you’re harbouring. Elijah is working hard to give you the life you want and need, and the first step towards that was Connie.”

I knew it. I felt it.

My eyes began to glass over as I nodded, nibbling the inside of my lip.

“And the second is Killian.”

I froze.

“He is your next path, the path that Elijah has paved for you to follow. He told me to tell you to let go of your stubbornness and that streak of Latino you have pumping through your blood. The last thing he said to me was that it was time to chase a new end of the rainbow. Mourn Elijah, remember him, talk out to him but don’t get so lost and consumed with your past that you forget to look forward to your future. That’s all he wants for you,” she smiled as I pulled my hand from hers and palmed away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.

“He loved you very much, and he knew how much you loved him but now it’s time to find a new person to love, a new heart to hold onto… and he told me to tell you to trust him, everything will make sense soon.”

I nodded, taking the tissue she handed me as I wiped my tears away and blew my nose.

“Thank you, I didn’t know how much I needed that,” I choked, the tears filling my eyes.

“But he did,” she bowed her head.

“Thank you,” I whispered, pushing off the chair and reaching into my purse. She reached forward, grabbing my hand and shaking her head. I smiled, as I stepped back.

“Now go, take care of you and that beautiful little girl that is growing inside of you.”

“Girl?” I whispered, looking down at my flat stomach. “I’m only early…” confusion laced my voice.

“I have it from higher voices, she was sent to you at a time you needed her most…” her voice was quiet as she began to lay cards out in front of me.

The first card was death.

The second was the star.

And the third was the sun.

I looked up at her, my eyes scanning the three cards.

“Death, as much as this seems a scary card. It doesn’t mean what it says. You’re transforming, moving into the next stage of your life after a dark time. Death is here to make way for new things to come into your life.” Her hand moved to the right and hovered over the next card on the table. “The star,” she smiled, “after every storm, must come a rainbow.” Her eyes lifted as they landed on my stomach, “this card is all about healing, purpose and wholeness. This card normally comes up if the person has gone through a deep and emotional turmoil in their life… which you have. This card is showing you there is hope and recovery. This is a sign from your guardian angel that everything is moving in the right way. And last but not least,” her hand hovered over the third card, “the sun…” she smiled, “happiness. Life is good, the sun is shining on you and the path you need to be on… and I believe the sun is Elijah.”

The smile was spread across my face, my heart felt so full but still broken at the same time, but I felt content. I felt whole.

“Thank you,” I nodded, the happy tears streaming down my face.

“Now go, my child. Find your happiness.”

I bent down to pick my bags up, thanked the tarot reader again and walked back into the alley.

“Thank you, Elijah,” I whispered to the sky, and suddenly the clouds parted, and a beam of sunshine beat down on me. He was always with me.