Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

I was up and out early the next morning. I sat in the back of my car as I was driven towards Connie’s townhouse. Reaching for the cashmere material next to me, my fingers twiddled with the small strands that hung from Reese’s scarf that I had taken the night before. Lifting it to my nose, I inhaled deeply. If I was going to walk away from her, I needed something of hers to remind me of the one I lost. The one that would eventually get away and find the one person she was destined for.

My heart ached at the thought that she would move on one day without me.

Connie flooded my mind in an instant and I felt my stomach flip, I hated upsetting her, but this was more than a taboo fling with my daughter’s best friend. My index finger rubbed the indentation mark from the wedding band that was a little too tight on my finger. I felt the pain crash through me at the thought of it not being there anymore, and for some strange reason, I missed it more today. Funny how a little bit of metal could mean so much.

But now there was nothing but emptiness. My chest hollow.

Pulling up outside Connie’s home, I told my driver I wouldn’t be long and if he had to move then to text me.

Pushing the button through my charcoal suit jacket I climbed the steps and knocked on the door.

I wasn’t on the doorstep long when a very annoyed Lara opened the door.

She crossed her arms across her pristine, white pant suit. Her short brown hair sitting on her shoulders. Her lips were pouted, her perfectly shaped brows raised.

“Well, you fucked up,” she sighed, stepping aside and letting me in. I nodded, sighing as I stepped over the threshold.

I held my hands up in surrender. “I know, I know… okay?” my voice hushed as we stood at the bottom of the sweeping staircase. I bought this house for Lara and her wife Katie once Connie was born. They wouldn’t take money from me at first, so I bought them a house for Connie. They couldn’t say no to that.

“Why, Killian? Why Connie’s friend…?” she dropped her arms, one of her hands clutching onto the stair rail.

“I didn’t know she was Connie’s friend until Thanksgiving. If I did, I would never have come onto her.” I winced at my words.

“Classy,” she scoffed softly, “Connie is really upset…” her voice trailed off as she looked up the stairs, “not only is she her best friend, but she is going to be a big sister… it’s one big fuck up Killian!” Lara’s voice was a little sterner now as she crossed her arms against her chest again.

“I know, I’m here to make it right… let me go up there please,” I said exasperated.

“Be my guest, I’m not sure she will want to see you, but you know where her room is. Me and Katie will have a glass of whiskey on the table when you’re ready,” she laughed, “you’re going to need it I feel…”

I pushed the sleeve of my suit up ever so slightly and looked at my watch, my head snapping up as I looked at Lara. “It’s ten am in the morning.” My brows pinching.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere.” She shrugged her shoulders up before sashaying her hips down as she walked down the hallway.

She was right. I was going to need it.

Connie was stubborn and strong headed. If she didn’t want to hear me out, then she wouldn’t. She could quite easily turn a deaf ear on my words if that’s what she wanted to do. You didn’t cross her; she wasn’t big on giving second chances. I just hoped I hadn’t burned the rickety bridge that I had spent so hard re-building over the last few years.

Pacing the stairs slowly, I didn’t know what I was about to walk into. I was hoping it was a full on, bull raging Connie instead of a calm and nonchalant Connie.

She was much worse.

I knocked gently with my finger, then pushed the handle down when she called for me to come in. I am sure if she knew it was me, she would have told me to go die.

I sighed, putting on my best smile for her as I stepped into her room. The walls were a light lemon, her wooden framed bed situated in the centre of the room and sitting under the large, sash window that overlooked the large back yard. She had the odd boyband poster hung on her walls, as well as the dream catchers she collected over the years for her bad nightmares that used to cripple her of a night. We never knew if it was the dream catchers that worked or if it was just the thought of them, but they worked.

She was laying on her front on the bed, her legs up and crossed at her ankles as she texted from her phone, not even lifting her eyes to look at me.

“Hey,” I said quietly, running my hand round the back of my head and giving it a gentle rub.

“Go away.” I heard the irritation in her voice at just my presence.

“Connie… I –”

“I don’t want to hear it, Killian, I don’t want to hear your lame excuses.”

She fucking Killian’d me.

“It’s dad,” I coughed, clearing my throat as I took another cautious step towards her.

“No,” she shook her head, “no it’s not. You lost that title when you fucked my best friend and got her pregnant.” She scowled, her tongue sharp and laced with a poisonous venom. I could feel the hate spilling out of her.

“And I’m sorry Connie, if I would have known—”

“Yeah yeah, you wouldn’t have slept with her blah, blah, blah.” She rolled her eyes as she picked her phone up again and scrolled her finger up the screen.

“Can you just hear me out?” My voice was more of a plea now, rubbing my hand against my stubble.

“You can talk, I won’t listen… so if that’s how you want to waste your breath today then please do,” her condescending tone was starting to piss me off.

I clenched my fist at my side, closing my eyes as I inhaled deeply.

She is angry with you. She feels betrayed. She feels singled out. She is twenty-one. Just a kid.

My subconscious reminded me repeatedly.

“Want me to start from the beginning?” I asked, pushing my hand through my hair. She shrugged her shoulders up, her eyes still pinned to that fucking phone.

“If I knew she was your best friend, it would never have happened,” I sighed, she begun to hum as I continued. “I met her in the champagne bar at the hotel one evening, she caught my eye, so I sent her a bottle of champagne. I had been with Adele, and we decided to stop for one drink, but something about Reese intrigued me.” I swallowed hard, trying to coat the dryness that was taking over my throat and tongue. I felt like I had swallowed half of the Sahara Desert. “One night, we ended up having a drink together, one led to five, five led to ten…” I stopped talking when her eyes connected with mine. A flash of forgiveness struck through them.

Keep going Killian.

“I don’t know how, or why, or even who’s idea it was but all I knew was the next morning we were at Reese’s apartment, married.” I took another step forward. “We have no recollection of what happened… well… so Reese thinks.” I sighed as I dropped my head.

“What do you mean ‘or so Reese thinks’,” she pressed up from her front, swinging her legs underneath her as she sat crossed legged on the end of her double bed.

“I was drunk, but I wasn’t blacked out drunk. I remember most of the night, just not why we decided to get married. That bit is still a distant memory.”

Connie didn’t say anything, just kept her icy glare on me.

“I never meant for this to happen, and if I knew she was your friend, believe me Con, I never would have gone there. But I can’t lie to you and say I don’t feel something for Reese. It’s wrong, so fucking wrong. She is nearly twenty years younger than me, but she makes me feel things I have never felt before. She makes me happy, I forgot what happiness felt like before her. I have never wanted to work on a relationship before, I have always been able to cut someone out of my life when I need to. But with Reese, I can’t do that. I crave her constantly, I know I need to stay away from her, but I can’t. And that’s what hurts me the most, the one woman I have fallen head over heels in love with is forbidden. I can’t go there; I can’t do that to you Connie. Because you are everything to me. I know I have been a shitty dad; I could have done so much more but I was selfish.”

“Dad,” she whispered, her eyes glassy when mine finally met hers.

“I can’t be selfish anymore, darling. I’ve got to do what is right for us all and that’s to walk away from Reese.” Saying the words made my heart lunge, my breath catching as my throat burned as if a burning hot pole had been pushed into my windpipe. My stomach flipped, my skin smothering in goosebumps as the realisation had finally kicked in.

I had to walk away. Dropping my head in disgust, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Connie. I was disgusted with the whole situation.

“Dad…” Connie’s soft voice crashed through me. I didn’t look up; I fought the urge to give into the pull that was trying to drag my head up.

“You were never a shitty dad,” she repeated my hateful words, but for some reason they didn’t sound as nasty on her tongue as they did mine. “You never asked to be a father, you were a donor. That was it.” Her tone was clipped suddenly, the ache in my chest growing by the second at the truth of her words. “You gave my mums something they had been wishing for, you done that for them,” I heard her bed creak and her feet hit the hardwood floor. “You never asked to be a father, dad… you chose to be a father.” I tensed, my heart thumping in my chest. A ripple of uneasiness crashing over me like a tidal wave. “You made the selfless decision to be in my life, even though you didn’t need to. That’s the difference dad, you wanted to be in my life.” I heard the thickness in her voice growing, I never thought this conversation was going to get as emotional as it was. I swallowed the apple sized lump down my throat, pushing it back down and blinking back the tears that were forming in my eyes.

“Sure, okay, it took you a few years, but you called Lara as soon as you knew I had been born, you bought them this home, you set me up for life and yet you call yourself selfish…” she sniffed as she closed the gap between us, her arms wrapping around my torso as she hugged me, her head on my chest, “you’re the most unselfish person I know, you have given me everything and more. That’s why I never accepted your job offer, because I want to make you proud dad, by making something for myself someday.” I heard the sniffle again, her voice trembling. “Don’t give up on Reese dad, and please don’t give up on that baby.” Her choked sobs left her now, her tears soaking through my thin, white cotton shirt. I cocooned my arms around her tiny frame and held her tight, dropping my head as I placed my lips on the top of her head. “It deserves to have an amazing father in its life, and Reese deserves to have happiness too dad.” She sighed, pulling back and looking at me with her red, rimmed brown eyes. “Her happiness is you. And not that I need to give it, but this my blessing dad. Don’t give up on her, don’t give up on the one you love because you think you’re going to hurt me. I’m a big girl. Sure, it’ll take some getting used to, but I’ll manage.” She smirked as I laughed, causing her to laugh as well. “Just give her some time…” She whispered. I nodded, even though all I wanted to do was to rush to her apartment, clasp my hands round her beautiful face and kiss all of this away.

“And seeing as we are on delicate subject matters…” her voice pulled me back into the room. Connie stilled, stepping back as she locked her fingers together.

I paled, my eyes widening as I stepped towards her, “You’re not pregnant, are you?” I scowled, trying my best to contain the rage that was coursing through my blood.

“Oh my god, no!” she blushed but clearly shocked by the question that just left my lips. “Jesus,” she shook her head, “no, nothing like that.” Her hand pressed against her forehead, the other hand on her hip.

“Then what?” I asked, my voice softer now as I waited for her to tell me.

“I’m back with Tryst…”

“Tryst?” I scrunched my nose, my brows pulling into the middle and digging in causing the wrinkles in my head to be more prominent.

“Tryst from school…” her voice was barely a whisper now.

Tryst.

“The little nerdy kid who used to pick you up, take you to underage drinking then bring you home and break curfew?” I could feel my temper rising, but I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes as I contained it.

“Yup. Him.” She rushed out before she began stammering, “but honestly dad, it was more me than him. He was always the good one. He never forced the alcohol down my throat, he never made me stay out late, it was always me making him break the boundaries…” she stilled for a moment as she saw the rage flash through my eyes.

“You put your moms through hell!” my voice was a little louder than I intended.

“Excuse me,” she crossed her arms against her chest, the fire igniting in her eyes. “You cannot say anything, I will always win this battle now. You married my best friend, kept your affair quiet and then knocked her up! So yes, dad, I am with Tryst. I was a shit when I was younger, but you have no right to be angry at me.” She huffed, tapping her foot on the floor.

But she was right.

My lips twitched as I tried to fight my smile before I lost the will. I chuckled softly, reaching out and pulling her in for a cuddle.

“Not that you need it, but you have my blessing,” I winked at her, chuckling again as we walked to go and see her moms.

One girl down, one to go.