Children of Chaos - Book 1

“I think that this was the moment I knew.”

“Knew what?”

“That I couldn’t go back.”

“My story begins with my father, Gamma’s son. He grew up as a Shemsuddin warrior, but he wasn’t happy with the tribal life. He wanted to live a modern life, with the comfort of technology. He was a very intelligent man, and so he moved to the United States to study law. In his time there he met a beautiful young woman. My mother. Sally.

She was studying art, and I was told that she was very talented. They fell in love, and he introduced her to his world, bringing her here to meet Gamma and the tribe. Sally was fascinated by this world, finding inspiration for her art in it. From what Gamma has told me, Sally loved this world more than my father did.

After a year of dating, they got married. They had two ceremonies. One here, in the tradition of the Shemsuddin, and one in New York. Although they were both students they made it work. Gamma says that I get my positive attitude from my mother.

I hope that’s true.

It didn’t take long for her to get pregnant, and for a short time they were overjoyed. But Sally had always had a weak health and she passed away giving birth me.”

Here he paused for a short moment, and I let his words sink in. I wondered if I should say anything, but what was there to say? Before I could make a decision he continued, his voice soft, his eyes far away.

“My father didn’t handle her death very well. He blamed me, as did I, for a long time, and would vent his anger out on me. He never hit me, he didn’t have to. His words, his actions, they caused more bruises than any fist could have. People forget that souls aren’t hurt by physical weapons. They are broken by other souls.

But I didn’t have to endure it for long.

On my sixth birthday, he hung himself in the living room of our little apartment. I was afraid of foster care, so I ran away. I lived on the streets for an entire year until Gamma found me. She said she’d had a vision that I needed her.

Turns out my father had never told her about my mother’s death."

I didn't know what to say, so I simply laid my hand over his, hoping that, somehow, it would ease his pain as we sat in silence. A tiny smile appeared on his lips as he looked down at our hands.

"That’s my first moment, my first heartbreak. But life would be too kind if we only endured one. I suppose there is one other that is relevant right now.

I like you Kyra, I suppose I should tell you that, but you need to know that I’ve loved before. It was a young love, a fierce love. If she hadn’t died I would probably still love her today. In a way, I still love her today because she died. That will probably never go away.”

I let those words sink in, my mind racing. What did I think of this? I looked at him in the fading light, and for the first time, I could see the scars behind the cheerful exterior. Still, it was not a mask. He truly was happy. How? How was he so scared and yet so happy? Could I live with the fact that he still loved another? Maybe that wasn’t even the question.

“I suppose it’s my turn.” I said nervously, staring at my hands. They were dry from the sun. “I suppose, I have three heartbreaks. At least three that matter.

I never knew my biological father, but that does not mean that I was fatherless. When I was three my mother met someone. Mike, a teacher, and the kindest soul you would ever meet."

I smiled at the memory.

"He was a wonderful father and I loved him very much. When I was six my mother, after trying for years, was pregnant again and nine months later she gave birth to a little boy. Caleb.”

I let the name roll over my tongue. It tasted sweet, and, as always, was accompanied by a sting of pain.

“I think that first year of Caleb’s life was the happiest I have ever seen my parents. It’s that happiness that makes me weary because it is so often followed by tragedy. We got into an accident. A car crash. By a miracle we, Mom, Caleb and I were fine, but Mike wasn’t. They told us he’d been dead on impact, but I knew that wasn’t true. I’d heard him breathe, raggedly, after the crash. Then he’d just stopped.

My mother changed after Mike’s death. She had never spoken about my biological father, but I knew the memories were painful ones. Mike had temporarily eased that pain. Now it rushed back stronger than ever. She fell into a depression, not a severe one, but severe enough that I, a seven-year-old, had to take over baby duty. I was the one who changed Caleb’s diapers. I was the one who dressed him so she could drop him off at daycare. It was a tough time, but we got through it.

By the time, I was eleven our lives were back on track. Mom had overcome her grief, she was even dating again, and I was a fairly good student. And Caleb? Caleb was the most amazing little boy. Ever. He was so smart, so witty and so kind. Whenever Mom and I would fight, it was Caleb who would bring us back together. I have never before, and never since, met a human being with more compassion. I wonder what he would be like now, as a teenager. He would probably be driving me nuts.”

I laughed, a small laugh that died as quickly as it had come.

“On my twelfth birthday, the house exploded. Officially it was a gas leak, but I was there. I saw a demon in the fire. I don’t know how I survived, maybe that’s the first time I used my powers. But Mom and Caleb did not. They died."

I swallowed hard, trying to move past the lump in my throat. They were gone. They had been gone for a long time now. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and continued, my voice shaking with emotion.

"And now, now I know that they were murdered because they, like me, were children of Shinehah. They knew nothing of the magical world, had no powers, but the Elders killed them anyway. It all became clear to me the day I found out about my heritage.”

My fists were clenched in anger, my face tight. It was the first time I’d said it out loud. I’d thought it before, been thinking it for a while, but I’d never said it. Now that I had, I knew that I was right.

“That’s two.”

I looked up in surprise. Khai’s face was kind, attentive, but there was no pity to be found in those eyes. And somehow that was what I needed. The anger poured out of me, replaced with a deep-seated sadness.

“The third one has to do with a boy, which sounds silly, I know, and now, that I’m away from him; I find it hard to believe that the story is about me. His name was Aidan. I’m really not sure where to start...”

And I wasn't even sure if I wanted to start, if I wanted to talk about it. Him.

“Start at the beginning. How did you meet him?”

He had told me about his love, I supposed it was time to tell him about mine. A part of me thought how strange it was to have this conversation now, at the very beginning of what might turn into a relationship, but it felt right. Somehow.

“I met him after Morgain had brought me to the Reservoir. The clanless children would often live with her until they were either placed, or old enough to help out in the community. So Morgain took me in and Aidan was there. That’s one of the things that connected us. He had also been found by her, although he’d only been two at the time. I’m actually not sure why he was still there when I arrived. Everyone knew he was a child of Esh.”

I stopped again. Unsure of what to say next.

"Esh is your fire god, right?"

I nodded.

“Is that when you started liking him?”

Khai’s question was gentle, direct but not pushy, and so I continued.

“No. That didn’t start until quite a bit later. I don’t exactly know how or when it happened to be honest. “

“What’s the first memory that comes to mind when you think about falling for him?”

The question felt odd, and yet the answer came immediately, without any hesitation.

“That day by the river. That’s when I knew that I loved him. But it started before that. Long before that.” And suddenly the words just came tumbling out, needing no further help, as if they’d been waiting all along.

“When I met him he was a handsome boy, but shy, almost invisible. But that changed drastically when he reached puberty. For me, puberty was very awkward. I had just lost my family and learned that 'magic' was real. I was settling into a new environment and unsure of who I was, where I belonged, so I pulled back into myself, hid from the world. But Aidan seemed to thrive. He developed an uncannily charming amount of confidence. The kind of confidence that just draws you in, makes you look.

He had always been handsome, but with his new height and confidence, he suddenly became more than handsome. He was...alluring. I don’t know. It sounds weird when I say it like that, but it’s true. People were drawn to him, and not just the girls. Everyone loved him, and I suppose I was no exception. But I didn’t like him yet.

Did I think he was hot? Definitely. But I’ve never been the kind of girl to fawn over someone just for their looks. That’s something I’ve struggled with when explaining why I couldn’t let go of him. It had very little to do with his looks.

Anyway.

I suppose it started with archery. I think you might have noticed that archery is not my strongest suit.” Khai chuckled at that, and I blushed as I grinned. Not my strongest suit was quite the understatement.

“Well, back then I was truly awful at it. I sucked and my teacher wouldn’t let me forget it. She was this stiff, strict lady and she soon took a liking to making me look like an idiot in front of everyone. As if I wasn’t doing a good job all on my own already. One day after a particularly bad class in which she’d, once again, taken me apart publicly, Aidan came up to me.

We hadn’t spoken much before that, the occasional hello and good-bye, and by this time he was already quite the popular guy. Well... he came up to me and told me that he thought the teacher was being completely unfair, and that he’d tutor me if I wanted his help. I couldn’t imagine why he’d want to do that, and I said so. I remember how he laughed and then gave me one of his dashing secret smiles. ‘Because I like you Kyra’. It all went downhill from there.

After what happened with my mother... the way she found Mike... It seemed like a fairytale, and I wanted that, I needed that after all that had happened in my life. I had very concrete ideas about what love was supposed to be like. In those stories, this would have been the beginning of an epic love story, and I think that’s the main reason why all went to hell in a hand basket. I kept trying to fit events into this idea of love I had. Even when they simply would not fit.

I was barely fifteen when the archery incident happened, and I was almost eighteen when reality caught up with me. The time in between is this odd mixture of misery and bliss. I had some of the most amazing, exciting and wonderful experiences with Aidan. He made me feel more alive than I ever had before in my life. Just being near him was exciting. Our conversations were a constant back and forth of witty remarks. He kept me on my toes, and I kept him on his. But it was more than that...The things we talked about, the things he promised...it was...magical. And he was my best friend, the one I turned to. For everything.

I know, I know, it sounds lame, but it’s the only word that fits. Even now, after all the heartache, it still feels like one exciting and soul crushing dream. That’s what I meant when I said that it feels like it happened to someone else. Anyway. Like I said, there was more than just bliss. There was misery.

At first, I told myself that the bliss made up for the pain. What am I saying? At first? No, until the very end I told myself that. Sometimes I still believe that. Sometimes I still think I should have tried harder, that I somehow failed.

Shortly before my eighteenth birthday, we met up late in the evening by the river. It was a beautiful day and the sun was just about to set. We sat there, enjoying a peaceful silence. I still remember my heart beating so quickly as I struggled to come up with the words. We’d never made anything official, never needed too, but I wanted to say it. Wanted him to know. I remember looking over at him, looking into those smiling eyes and saying the words. I remember his face falling, the smile disappearing from his eyes as he pulled away. As he told me that we’d just been having fun, that he was in love with another girl. That he thought I was fun to hang out with, to make out with, but that I wasn't really girlfriend material.

The girl who’d been by his side for almost three years, who made him laugh when he was having a bad day, who’d spent hours on gifts and ideas just to put a smile on that face was nothing more than "fun to make out with".

It was then that I realized that I’d invested everything I had into an illusion. A dream. In my head, I had turned him into something he wasn’t. Had turned us into something we weren’t. I have never felt more stupid or humiliated in my life.

I felt like such an idiot! I still do. I’d actually thought I was special. That someone could truly care about me in that way. That someone would trust me like that, and let me trust them. It would have been one thing if it had been over after that, I was heartbroken enough, but it wasn’t. I tried to pull away, but he would always pull me back. With small gestures, smiles, hugs, and sometimes kisses. And I? I was so in love with him that I let him. Time and time again, I would let him pull me back and break my heart all over again with his promises of caring for me.

It wasn’t until I saw him with another girl, a friend of mine that I was able to escape. I stumbled on them by accident, on their banter, their teasing… It was like watching a film with her as the actor playing me. Same lines. Same smiles. Same closeness. That’s when I realize that I was nothing. Nothing at all to him.

I approached her. She was my friend, and I did not want her to suffer the way I had. I warned her, tried to help her, but he sucked her into his black hole of need. Because that’s what it’s like, loving Aidan Mayor. It’s like a black hole, it sucks you dry and crushes you at the same time, until there’s nothing left but an empty, crumpled shell. “

I had been looking out over the dunes the entire time, growing more bitter and angry by the minute, but now I turned to look at Khai, suddenly unsure. Had I said too much, revealed too much? Been to melodramatic? Was I damaged goods?

“Hm.”, he said, his expression thoughtful. “Sounds like a jackass.”

I laughed, and with that laugh the weight of the world left my chest, flying away into the night.

“Agreed.”

“And now? “

Somehow I knew that the question wasn’t just about Aidan. The question was about us as well.

“And now?”, I asked back because I didn’t know the answer either.

He gently took my hand into his and kissed it.

“I guess we’re both a bit cracked and broken, with bits and pieces missing. But I have an idea.”

“Oh?”

“Well”, he said with a sheepish grin. “I have pieces, and you have pieces, and maybe, just maybe, we can make those pieces fit together and create something new. What do you say? Wanna complete my puzzle?”

I laughed and laced my fingers with his, as he chuckled.

"Too cheesy?" he asked, a wide grin on his face.

I grinned back at him.

“Just cheesy enough, and I think I’d love that.”