FULL NOVELXO By a Thread: Chapter 70
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: I’m so sorry.
Fun Fact: I’m terrible at apologizing.
The words “I’m sorry” didn’t mean anything when I was growing up. They just meant “I wish I hadn’t gotten caught.” Or “I’ll do it again.”
I realize it’s pathetic to be 45 and still not know how to say those two little words. But I’m sorry, Ally. I’m so permanently, painfully, unforgivably sorry. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But that doesn’t stop me from hoping for it.
Yours Always Even Though I Don’t Deserve You
Dominic
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
I’ve only recently learned that my nickname is the Vault. I don’t trust easily. I don’t share easily. And in an incredible dent to my male pride, apparently I’m always waiting to be taken advantage of. All of this should have come up in the “getting to know you stage.” Which we skipped over because I was too focused on the “getting you naked.”
Not that I regret that part of it.
But I did you a disservice, Ally. I gave you things. But I didn’t share. I forced your secrets into the open, while refusing to tell mine. It was never an even exchange. You always gave more.
And for that, and so many other things, I’m sorry.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
I can’t stand the smell of hummus. It makes me gag.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
Adding to the hate list.
I hate not knowing what’s going on in your life, in your day. Instead of knowing how your dance class went or what you had for lunch or even where you’re working now, my knowledge of you is limited to the fact that I lost the right to know anything new.
I hate that your birthday is coming up and I don’t have any right to be a part of it.
I hate that you’re not here to ask me how far I am in Pride and Prejudice. I finished it by the way and then watched one of the movies.
I hate not being able to ask you who your favorite onscreen Mr. Darcy is.
I hate that I ruined us just as you were fixing me. I’m doing something good. Really good here. Mom too. And it would never have happened if it weren’t for you. I hate that I can’t share it with you.
I hate that I let old bad ruin new good.
I hate finding pieces of you around the house. They remind me that not only will you not be walking through the door, but I’m the reason you won’t.
I hate that $50 you send me every week. And I know that’s why you’re sending it. I don’t want your money. I just want you. And I hate that that’s how you felt about me and I didn’t see it.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
I can’t breathe without you. Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m an asshole without you. Ask Gola. She’s #TeamAlly. Along with everyone else in this building.
Buddy finally felt bad enough to eat lunch with me. He told me that you introduced his wife to Christian and that she’s consulting on some of his adaptive designs. That’s just like you. Connecting people.
Sometimes I feel like I’m holding my breath all day just waiting for someone to say your name around me. I don’t ever want a life without your name in it.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
I took a page out of your book with Brownie. He misses you almost as much as I do. So I dressed him up in the sweatshirt you left behind. Picture attached. I had a few drinks with Elton—who confirmed my dumbass diagnosis—on the deck last night. I may have had one too many, and I tried to wear your Halston to bed.
I got it stuck over my head and shoulders, and for a few seconds thought I was going to suffocate and die.
By the way, I owe you a new dress on top of everything else I owe you.
I know what you brought to my life. I know nothing I gave you could ever compare. But I’m going to fix that.
In the meantime, Brownie and I are still hoping you’ll walk back into our lives. He doesn’t know that I don’t deserve you. Please don’t tell him.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
The first time I saw you—before you yelled at me and sagely said “Fuck You” with pepperoni—I was infatuated with your hair. I called you Sex Hair in my head because I wanted to put my hands in your hair while I kissed you.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
When I was a freshman in college, my roommate lied and said he didn’t have a place to go for Christmas break so I would invite him home with me and he could attend my parents’ annual New Year’s bash. Think models, champagne, caviar, fireworks. He snuck twenty of his closest asshole friends into the party, and I had to break his friend’s nose when he wouldn’t let a seventeen-year-old model out of a bedroom.
Elena dated me thinking I could make her a household name, and when tipping off the paparazzi every time we went out didn’t work, she started sleeping with my father.
My mother knew I was honor-bound to our family and used that to make me walk away from a career that fit me to clean up a mess my father had made.
You never once used me. Never once asked me for anything. And I threw my baggage in your face because I thought I had no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Harry and Delaney have since informed me differently.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
I lay in bed last night thinking about all the things I miss about you. Here’s the Top 10 out of infinity.
10. The way you’re dead to the world when you sleep. A marching band could parade by and you wouldn’t even hear the tubas.
9. The way you play the piano (badly but with charming enthusiasm).
8. Your horrible taste in ice cream.
7. Your optimism. I’ve never been around someone who always believed that things would work out. I hope I didn’t break that because your hopeful heart is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever known.
6. The way you spell things with pepperoni.
5. Your breasts. Let’s be honest. You wouldn’t believe this list if they didn’t make the Top 5.
4. The way you dance. The way you teach others to dance. The way you’re always moving to a beat.
3. The way you say my name in any mood. Sleepy. Hungry. Annoyed. Wanting. I miss it so much sometimes I think I can still hear you calling my name.
2. How you not only conned me into adopting a dog, but you taught me how to make a home for him.
1. Your heart.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
I will make this right. Also, I’ve decided that I’ll continue to email you daily for the rest of my life. If you have a problem with that, I encourage you to tell me. Please. Say something. Anything.
Love,
Dom
To: Ally
From: Dominic
Subject: Getting to know me
When I was a senior in high school, I had a girlfriend who dated me just to meet my mother in hopes that she’d be discovered as a model. My mother didn’t discover her. But my father did.
I walked in on them in the garage the day before my eighteenth birthday. Dad was “showing her the car they’d bought me.” He had her backed into a corner with his hand up her shirt.
At the time, I thought she was as much to blame as he was. I made it so much worse by blaming her. I know better now. I wanted to reach out to her last year. After my father was forcibly removed. After reading the affidavits of his victims. After I paid for his crimes from the trust fund he’d set up for me that I’d never touched.
I finally understood the damage that he and I had inflicted on a seventeen-year-old girl. But I didn’t reach out. I didn’t think I could handle hearing her story because I was still keeping secrets.
It wasn’t the first time I’d walked in on my father and someone who wasn’t my mother. The first time, I was thirteen. He was with a neighbor’s wife on the brand-new couch my mother had ordered from Milan.
He explained that if I told Mom, I would be ruining our family. That if I kept his secret, we’d all stay together. He promised that he’d make amends and he’d never make that mistake again. At the time, I thought he meant he wouldn’t cheat again. I didn’t realize it then, but he meant he’d never make the mistake of getting caught again.
If I had gone to Mom when it happened the first time, my father wouldn’t have been at Label to harass and assault those women. If I had told his secret, none of this would have happened. I’ve never told anyone that, Ally. You’re the first. I wish it was a happier, healthier secret. But a wise, angry woman told me that sharing the good stuff is worthless if you’re not willing to share the bad.
So here’s the bad: I am the reason my father was in a position to prey on and violate women. And I can’t forgive myself for that.
Love,
Dom